


For Forever

by tonkssweeney



Category: Hanson (Band), Real Person Fiction, The Moffatts
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Breathplay, Cheating, Coming Out, F/M, Incest, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Rimming, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2019-11-01 13:30:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 50,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17868155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonkssweeney/pseuds/tonkssweeney
Summary: A glimpse into the evolution of Taylor and Zac's relationship from 1997-2015 in Zac’s POV.





	1. 1997

**Author's Note:**

> Each chapter is a new year and the chapters will get longer as time goes on. Hope you enjoy!

It was a warm, sunny day and by all definitions it was the perfect Spring afternoon. Three brothers, Isaac, Taylor, and Zac, found themselves laying under a large oak tree in their backyard, shards of green grass clinging to the strands of their long, unruly blonde hair. They spent most days outside enjoying the weather as most young boys do, skating or playing football or simply practicing their harmonies. In just 4 weeks, their debut album, _Middle of Nowhere_ would be released worldwide, changing their lives more than they could ever imagine.

Isaac hummed a familiar Otis Redding tune while strumming his acoustic guitar - something he rarely left the house without - and Taylor chimed in, bringing the harmony as he normally did. Zac, always the mischievous and hyperactive one, found the beat without fail, using his thighs and occasionally Taylor's stomach as a makeshift drum kit. Taylor laughed and swatted Zac on the arm playfully in response each time, causing the widest of grins to cross Zac's face. This was typical behavior between the two brothers, as they hadn't yet grown out of the preteen wrestling phase.

Zac glanced over at Taylor, watching how the sun highlighted his face, making his hair impossibly yellow and his cheeks a tint of rouge. Most teenagers were jealous of Taylor's beauty, but not Zac. Zac would rather look at Taylor forever, admiring his beauty like a sculpture in a museum. Often times Taylor would catch Zac staring at him, not that he even tried to hide it, but he'd never say anything. _Someone that beautiful has to be used to people staring,_ Zac thought.

"I can't wait to go on tour," the eldest brother spoke, bringing Zac out of his quasi-fantasy. He was too busy daydreaming to notice that this brothers had stopped singing. They were both looking at him.

Zac couldn't imagine what the next few years would bring, but he knew there was no way that any amount of fame, money, or girls could tear them apart. What the brothers had was much stronger than any of that. Nothing would change between them, he was certain of it. The future for Hanson was writing songs and performing - it was that simple. As far as Zac was convinced they'd always be together, just like they were right now.

"Me neither," Taylor chimed in. Zac felt Taylor grab his hand, giving it a squeeze before lacing their fingers together, making his stomach flip in a way that his brain didn't register as strange. Zac wondered if Taylor felt the same somersaults in his abdomen. "Although, this is kind of nice, too. I hope we stay like this for forever." 

"For forever," Zac mumbled, his eyes moving from his brother's face and turning up towards the sky. Squinting at the sun, his mind fell into another fantasy about the years to come. It was a lot for an eleven year old to ponder but despite his Class Clown personality, Zac had always been more mature for his age. For as long as Zac could remember they had been together, inseparable even during the hard times. There's no way forever could change that. No way at all.

***

"MOM?" Zac yelled as he roller-bladed up to the front porch, dropping down onto the top step. He had tripped over a large crack in the the sidewalk and fell face first into the concrete. Despite wearing jeans, he could feel thick, warm blood running down his leg. "Mom?!"

"Zac, what's going on? Mom's at the store." Taylor came running from the side of the house, presumably from the garage that they had turned into their rehearsal space. His pale cheeks were flushed.

"I fell when I was skating, and..." He lifted up both arms to show bloody elbows. "Got my knee, too."

Taylor chuckled. "You tripped over the crack in the sidewalk didn't you?" he questioned in a knowing tone. "Did the same thing last week. Hang tight, I'll get something to clean you up."

Truthfully, Zac wasn't at all surprised that Taylor had been the one to come to his rescue. His older brother always had a sixth sense about Zac's feelings, as if he just knew when he was upset, or hurt, or had gotten himself into trouble. They were connected on a different level than he and Isaac, who barely even registered when Zac had a cold. Isaac was always in his own little word, which usually involved a half dozen girls, whereas Taylor and Zac preferred reading comic books in their tree house. No Girls Allowed.

Taylor returned with an armful of supplies. "Take off those damn skates, Zac."

"Oh...right." Zac removed the skates and his socks. "It's this knee." He pointed to the left one.

Taylor pushed the denim material up Zac's leg and his nose crinkled at the sight. "How did you manage to cut your leg up this bad through jeans? You must have fell pretty bad, kid."

"I was going super fast, Tay. Like, the most fast I've ever gone! I felt like the Flash!" Zac shrugged, but inside he was maybe a little proud of his battle wounds. "It was fun, until I became best friends with the concrete."

"If you're going to be the Flash, maybe wear some knee and elbow pads next time," Taylor said. Zac watched him clean his wound and bandage him up, careful and delicate like their Mom would have been. When he finished, he pressed a kiss to the bandaged area and pulled the pant leg back down. He always had a unique gift of making Zac blush. "All done with that. Elbows?"

Zac was smiling as he scooted closer to his brother and gave him the first arm. Sure, the medication on the open wound stung like Hell, but Taylor's soft touch was the perfect antidote. "Thanks, Tay," he said, knowing that Isaac wouldn't have been as helpful given this situation. Taylor was special.

Taylor grinned. "You're welcome. But you gotta be more careful next time. You can't be a rockstar drummer without arms and legs."


	2. 1998

The past year had been a whirlwind, with journalists dubbing it, "Hanson Mania." Hundreds of concerts, thousands of screaming girls, millions of dollars, and a few Grammy nominations later, Hanson was ruling the world. They had everything teenage boys of eighteen, sixteen, and thirteen could ever want. Fame and fortune came at a cost, though, as they had spent almost an entire year and a half on the road without a break, other than to record their Christmas album _Snowed In_.

They loaded onto the tour bus, headed towards the next city. Chicago? No. Cincinnati? Zac honestly couldn't remember. He'd stopped keeping track three weeks ago.

"Going to take a shower," Isaac mumbled, leaving Taylor and Zac in the lounge area of the bus.

Taylor let out an exasperated sigh as he flopped back onto the couch. His hair, still damp with sweat, was clinging to the sides of his face. Zac tried to ignore how that sight made him feel like a dozen butterflies were flying around in his abdomen. He told himself that he was getting a little too old to be idolizing his brother.

"TV?"

"I was going to play video games... but sure." Zac shrugged and took a seat on the couch next to Taylor. He turned the TV on and settled on one of his favorites and a true classic, _The Ninja Turtles._

"Give me that." Taylor rolled his eyes at the selection and swiped the remote out of Zac's hand. 

Any other person could have easily been offended, but not Zac. Zac took it as a challenge, as he did with most things concerning the middle brother. "What? A classic isn't good enough for Prince Taylor?" He smirked, and flattened his left palm up under the remote, causing it to literally fly out of Taylor's hand. He caught it with his right hand and tried to hide it behind his back.

Before Zac had time to gloat, he was suddenly pinned on the floor, his brother tackling him for the prize. Taylor was bigger and stronger, and won the war fairly quickly. Zac couldn't wait till he was big enough to beat Taylor at this game.

"You win this time, Tay," Zac panted, grinning up at his brother who was currently straddling his hips, but holding his hands in the air in victory. His shirt was riding up an inch or so, exposing a small patch of milky white skin. Zac's instinct was to touch the newly visible area, but he refrained.

"I always win," Taylor boasted with a wink. His cockiness both amused and annoyed Zac. He climbed off of him and offered his hand to help him to his feet. "You love me way too much to ever let me fail."

Somewhere deep inside, Zac knew Taylor was right, even if the comment was made in jest. Zac would do anything to keep that smile on his brother's face.

***

The next night, Zac woke up gasping for air and drenched in sweat. If he had been any taller, he would have hit his head against the top of the bunk when he shot up, startled from his night terror. "Gross," he mumbled and peeled off his sweat soaked tee-shirt, which clung for dear life on his skin. He tossed it out of the bunk and onto the floor - he'd deal with that in the morning.

 _Thirteen is too old to be having nightmares,_ Zac told himself. He had a history of nightmares dating back to when he was ten years old, but he was thankful that this time it didn't involve bed wetting. Luckily he grew out of that a few years ago.

His nightmares were always the same - he'd trip and fall in the middle of a road, but was unable to stand as he saw a car speeding towards him from the distance. He'd wake up in a panic at the same moment every time, right as the car was about to strike. 

Zac laid there for a while, his blonde hair spilling out into the shape a halo on the pillow beneath his head. There was no way he'd be able to fall back asleep after that. Not alone, at least. His options were Taylor, Isaac, or their Dad, and it was clear to him that Taylor was the only option. Taylor wouldn't tease him about this, he'd understand.

He jumped out of his bed and tip-toed down the hall to Taylor's bunk, pulling the black curtain open just enough to slide in. Taylor was fast asleep on his side, snoring softly.

Zac slipped under the covers and laid on his side facing Taylor. A single strand of Taylor's blonde hair tickled his forehead and Zac carefully pushed it back behind his ear, trying his best not to wake his brother.

"Zac." Taylor's voice was raspy but his eyes were still closed.

"How did you know it was me?" he whispered, feeling a little defeated that he had, in fact, woken him up.

"Who else would it be?" He cracked a sleepy eye open. "Another nightmare?"

Zac nodded. "Yeah, same one. Why am I dreaming about getting run over, Tay?" His voice was small and childlike, even though at thirteen he definitely didn't feel like a child.

Taylor looped his arm around Zac's waist, pulling him into his chest and then tightening the blankets around them. "No idea, kid. But I hear that dreams don't always mean exactly what you think they do. There's usually a deeper meaning to them."

"So basically I'm screwed," he said. "I'm never gonna figure out what the dream means. I can't even drive yet and I'm dreaming about getting run over." It all seemed like a moot point at the moment anyway, because with Taylor's arms around him, he always felt strong. Invincible, like nothing could hurt him now. "Thanks for letting me crash and not kicking me out."

"Anytime. Now try to get some sleep. We've got a long day tomorrow, and I don't think Dad is going to let you have sugar before we go on TV anymore." Taylor pinched Zac's side for emphasis and his thin lips curled into a smile.

It was obvious that Taylor was tired, as he his eyes had slipped shut and his breathing was already unsteady. Zac curled his fingers into the back of Taylor's shirt and decided that it was safe to let his eyes close, too. Nothing bad would happen to him when he had Taylor around. He was safe.


	3. 1999

Zac stepped into the shower and stood directly under the stream, letting the hot water torch his skin. He was so thankful to have a night in a hotel room with a real bed and a real shower. After two years on the road touring around the world pretty much nonstop, Zac was ready for a break. As much as he loved hanging out with his brothers, he was desperate for some alone time. With both of his brothers out on dates tonight, he knew he had time to relax and do whatever the Hell he wanted with his free time. And what he wanted to do was fucking jerk off in peace.

Being cramped in a tour bus with other people for hours on end was not the best environment for a teenage boy, smack-dab in the middle of puberty. Zac practically got a hard on every time the wind blew, and he could barely find time for release with his two brothers always around. He often wondered how they got by, but then he realized that their numerous girlfriends were probably the answer to that problem.

Zac slid his hand through his damp hair and down his chest till it settled on his hard on, his fingers wrapping firmly around it. He started his rhythm off slow, his mind drifting over last night's concert. _There were plenty of cute girls in the audience_ , Zac thought. Plenty of girls who wanted him, pined for him. Zac may have never even kissed a girl, but that didn't stop his mind from wondering what that and what _everything else_ was like, too.

He flicked his wrist faster, his breathing hitching in his throat as he got closer to sweet release. He was so lost in how damn good it felt that it was as if the world around him stood still.

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

Zac ignored the knocks, telling himself that they were just a part of his imagination. He was so close to the edge and desperate for peace that he would have told himself any lie just to get off. 

"Zac?" Taylor's voice, soft but firm, came from the other side of the door. Zac's eyes flashed open and a frame of Taylor's ocean blue eyes and rose pink lips crossed his mind as he shot his wad all over the shower wall. 

"Jesus Christ!" Zac grunted, quickly shutting off the faucet and grabbing a towel to wrap around his waist. "What?!" He swung the door open and glared up at Taylor as he stood there dripping from head to toe, his hair plastered to his face. Why the Hell had he given Taylor his room key again? 

"I, uh," Taylor cleared his throat. "No date tonight. Thought you might want to hang out? Didn't mean to disturb you." He looked Zac up and down in a painfully obvious fashion. It was glances like that and the promise to 'hang out' that reminded Zac why he always gave Taylor a copy of his room key.

Zac could feel his cheeks burn. "Sure. Just... give me a minute." He closed the door again in order to dry off and change into pajama pants and a tee-shirt.

He didn't know what was more embarrassing - the thought of Taylor hearing his obvious moans and groans - or the way Taylor's face, pale and soft like a porcelain doll, grazed his mind as he came. That was just coincidence, right? It didn't mean anything.

Pushing those awkward thoughts aside, Zac stepped out of the bathroom and approached the queen sized bed where his brother had already made himself at home, his brown Chuck Taylors and skinny jeans in a ball on the floor. He was curled up under the sheet and flicking through TV channels mindlessly. 

Zac joined his brother under the covers, trying to get close enough to smell his cologne that he loved so much. "So why no date tonight?"

"She was a little crazy." Taylor shrugged nonchalantly. Isaac was the romantic one, while Taylor seemed to go through girls like underwear.

"Ah." Zac nodded. "Sorry to hear that, Tay. But I'm sure someone else will come along soon." Zac recognized the disdain in his voice, and he didn't even bother to hide it despite not knowing where it came from. Perhaps he was a little jealous of how easy it was for every one else to get Taylor's attention as of late. Isaac and Taylor spent every free moment they had with girls, leaving Zac alone on the bus with his video games. Zac really had no interest in taking girls on dates and wasn't sure he ever would.

Luckily, Taylor hadn't seem to notice the sarcastic tone of his voice. "While I was out, I got something for you." He turned and grabbed a Barnes and Noble bag off the floor. "Here - I hope you like it."

Zac sat up, his eyes wide with curiosity as he accepted the bag from Taylor. He figured it was probably comic books, but he was pleasantly surprised to receive a gift from his brother nonetheless. He peered in the bag and pulled out the book, surveying the front and back cover. "It's... it's a dream analysis book!" The gift was both thoughtful and significant, which came as no surprise to Zac. Taylor was always the best gift giver. "I didn't even know these existed."

"I bookmarked a page in there for you. Thought you might want to give it a read."

Zac flipped through the pages till he found said bookmark. "A dream that you are almost hit by a car may symbolize that your beliefs, way of life, or goals are conflicting with another's or you are having an inner tug-of-war. It may also represent an experience you have had that was shocking to you and left an impression that changed how you think or feel about the world, where you are headed, or how you approach life."

Zac put the book down in his lap and let the words sink in. He searched his mind, his memories, trying to see where his experiences related to what the book was saying. Still, his mind was blank. "Well damn, I still have no idea." He sighed in defeat and fell back onto the pillows. The nightmares had shown no signs of stopping and they were occurring at least once a week.

"Maybe you've got to sleep on it," Taylor suggested. "Think about it some. It'll come to you when your brain is ready to acknowledge it."

"You sound like a therapist," Zac quipped, smirking up at his brother.

"Maybe I was, in one of my former lives." He moved closer to Zac and snaked his arms around him so that they were eye level. His breath was warm on Zac's face and it made him shiver involuntarily. "Gonna stay with you tonight, if that's alright."

Zac would have reminded Taylor that his room as only two doors away, but he wanted his brother to stay. Nights spent sharing a bed with Taylor were the nights that he slept best. "Mhm. Thank you for the gift, Tay."

"You're welcome." 

Zac knew that the times Taylor came to his room were simply out of a need to never be alone, but he didn't mind. He was happy to be the one his brother called when he was lonely. He never really thought that their behavior was anything out of the ordinary.

***

The following morning, Isaac, Taylor and Zac gathered in the hotel lobby to meet their Dad before heading out to their next venue. When Zac got a little closer, he could see that Walker was talking to another man similar to his age and who also had what appeared to be four sons. Two of them were clearly identical, and one of them seemed to be a little older, around Taylor's age. His eyes fell to the fourth son, who he figured was the youngest because of his full cheeks and big eyes.

"Boys! Glad you're here. I want to introduce you to some fellow musicians," Walker said, using his hands to gesture to the family around him. "This is Frank Moffatt and his sons Scott, Clint, Bob and Dave. They have their own band, too."

_So Dave was the name of the young one_ , Zac noted. He had a goofy smile that was contagious.

Zac walked over to the one named Dave and offered his hand. "Hi, I'm Zac."

"Dave," he said. "We're big fans of yours."

That made Zac laugh a little. They often heard that from people they had just met but not usually from boys in their same age demographics. "What instrument do you play?" He had plans to Google The Moffatts as soon as he got back to the bus, curious as to what their music sounded like.

"Lead vocals and piano," Dave answered. "And you're a drummer. I can tell by your arms."

"Yeah!" He paused once his brain registered what Dave had said."Wait - really?" He outstretched his arms, glancing at them and shrugging. When he looked over at Dave he could see him laughing.

"Let me see your phone." Zac eyed Dave skeptically but handed him his cellphone. He watched as he input his phone number into the contacts. "Call me sometime. Maybe if we're ever in the same city, we can all hang out."

Zac nodded and shoved his cellphone into his pocket. "Sure - that sounds like a plan."

"Gotta go." Dave looked back over his shoulder, waving his hands at his brothers, who were already leaving the lobby. "I'll be right there!" he shouted to them. 

"Nice to meet you, Dave."

"You too, Zac. Have fun on tour!"

Zac waved as he watched the Moffatt clan leave the hotel. He was excited to have made a male friend that was around his age, a musician, and _not_ related to him. Today was a good day, and it had only just begun.

"Looks like you made a new friend," Taylor pointed out. "Might want to be careful of that one though. I think he was flirting with you."

Zac rolled his eyes. "Not _everyone_ wants to flirt with us, Tay." 

As they left the hotel lobby and made a beeline for the bus, Zac wondered if Dave actually had been flirting with him, and he wondered _why_ it was such a big deal.


	4. 2000

"Great show, guys!" Isaac chirped brightly as the group excited off stage. He grabbed a water bottle and took a seat on the couch in the green room. Zac followed suit, giving Isaac a high-five as he fell onto the couch next to him. It really had been a great show. The audience reacted so positively to the new material, and it was a relief to know that they hadn't become one-hit wonders. The crowds may have been a little bit smaller, but their enthusiasm did not wane in the least.

"Hey - who is that?" Taylor sing-songed. Zac had never heard Taylor's voice like that before, and he couldn't help but laugh. He was just about to tease him when he looked up and saw two thin brunette girls approach them, clad in mini skirts and tank tops. For a moment he thought they were twins.

"Hi." The first girl blushed, extending her hand out to Taylor. "I'm Natalie. And this is my best friend, Kate. We won the backstage pass contest." Taylor seemed to warm up to Natalie immediately, much to Zac's chagrin. He noticed how Taylor's body language changed; he instantly stood up straight, combed a hand through his shoulder-length hair, a blush covering his face from ear to ear. Was he nervous? Flirting? Zac couldn't exactly hear the conversation, so he got up from the couch to join them.

He had to nudge Taylor's side with his elbow in order to get his attention. "Oh, hey Zac. Meet Natalie and Kate. They live here in Atlanta. They were at our show tonight and won the backstage pass contest."

"Hi." Zac said with a simple smile. He eyed both Natalie and Kate up and down, surveying them as he did most fans he met. He was always hesitant of female fans at first, never knowing whether they would scream and cry or act normal around them. His first impression was inconclusive, but with the way Taylor was gawking at the one called Natalie, it didn't seem promising.

Kate was quiet but smiled at Zac, a hint of natural blush on her cheeks. He could tell she was the shy one out of the two. Zac, never being one to handle awkward silence well, couldn't help himself when he said, "So... come here often?"

***

Back on the bus, Zac settled down onto the couch, sitting cross-legged as he grabbed his Playstation controller.

"Is it too soon to call Natalie? Yes, it's too soon." Taylor mumbled to himself. The foursome had exchanged phone numbers before they left the venue.

Zac rolled his eyes at his brother. Sure, the girls were cute, but c'mon. Taylor was practically drooling over Natalie the minute he saw her, and Taylor never reacted that way around girls. Zac wasn't sure why, but the thought bothered him. Taylor was being more annoying than usual.

"Relax, Tay. We'll call them tomorrow," Zac said.

Nodding, Taylor kicked off his boots and sat next to Zac on the couch. He placed a hand on Zac's knee and squeezed, sending a subtle tickle sensation up his thigh. As a reflex, Zac reacted by placing his hand over Taylor's and giving it a reciprocal squeeze. "They were great, weren't they? Especially Natalie. She was so funny! Did you hear her joke about the--"

"Jesus." Zac punched Taylor in the arm, probably with a little too much force, and any weird feelings from the knee squeeze were suddenly pushed out of his mind. "Yes. Yes, I heard. And she was lovely. Keep your dick in your pants, lover boy." He winked suggestively at his brother.

Taylor was blushing more than his usual shade of pink and Zac figured it was more in response to excitement rather than embarrassment. "You're right. I'll shut up now," he said, and slid down the couch so that he was laying his head in Zac's lap.

"...Tay?" 

"Yeah, Zac?"

Zac was toying with a loose hem on the collar of his brother's shirt. It was always difficult for him to talk about his feelings, even if it were to Taylor, and especially about a subject that was so personal. "I've never kissed anyone before. What if I'm bad at it?"

Taylor laughed out loud. He actually _laughed_ at the confession. "Zac - don't give me that face - I'm laughing because everyone feels this way. Literally everyone. You're not alone."

"Yeah right." Zac rolled his eyes so hard he thought that they would get stuck in that position. "You and Ike don't worry about shit like this."

"Of course we do. But trust me, when it happens it will be great. You just take it slow at first, and do what feels natural."

Zac tried to picture himself kissing Kate. She was cute and obviously liked him, but the thought of kissing her wasn't playing well in his mind. It made him feel uncomfortable and not excited, like he imagined you should be when you kiss someone.

"Plus, Zac. Your lips are made for kissing. Any girl would be lucky." Taylor reached up and drifted the pad of his thumb along Zac's plump bottom lip. Puberty had gifted Zac thick lips, six inches in height, and filled out the rest of his body with an even layer of fat and muscle. Now he always won when he wrestled Taylor.

Zac found himself blushing at both the touch and the compliment. When he looked in the mirror, he did not see why anyone would find him desirable. "I call bullshit, but thanks, Tay."

They sat there content for a while, Zac playing his video games and Taylor watching intently, cheering him on when things got dicey. When Taylor fell quiet, Zac knew that he was asleep. He looked down at his brother, watching his chest heave in and out slowly, his lips parted just slightly. He admired how peaceful, almost angelic Taylor looked. His eyes landed on Taylor's pink, parted lips, and for a brief moment, he wondered what it would be like to softly kiss those perfect lips.

He shook his head as if that would shoot the inappropriate thoughts right out of his brain. For some reason, they had been creeping up more and more lately, making him feel all sorts of awkward and uncomfortable. He didn't know why he wondered what it was like to kiss his brother, to run his fingertips over his soft, bare skin. He didn't know why, more often than not, Taylor's face would appear when he would touch himself at night in his bunk. 

What he did know is that it didn't feel wrong - not even in the slightest.

***

The following morning, Zac woke up to the sound of Taylor's voice blabbing away indistinctly. Taylor was usually the morning person out of the group but this was different. He was chatty and loud and his voice was a higher pitch than normal.

When Zac slipped out of his bunk he saw Taylor sitting at the table with a cup of black coffee in hand, cellphone pressed between his cheek and his shoulder.

_Must be talking to that Natalie girl_ , he thought. The look on his face was pure bliss, like a schoolgirl talking to her high school crush.

Zac grabbed a Dr. Pepper from the fridge and took a seat across from his brother. He mutely opened his mouth to mock Taylor's incessant chatting, flipping his hair dramatically over his shoulder and batting his eyelashes at him.

"...Nat, I gotta go. Zac just woke up and he's desperate for attention. Call you later."

"Nat?" Zac snorted. "You've known her less than a day and you have a nickname for her already?"

"Well," Taylor chewed his bottom lip. "I may have called her last night when everyone went to bed. We talked for hours."

Zac rolled his eyes. "God, you're pathetic."

Ironically, Taylor didn't dispute that, so he and Zac just stared at each other for a few minutes, sipping their drinks. Yet another girl had entered their life but this one was different - she brought a friend for Zac. He still wasn't sure how he truly felt about the entire situation except for the fact that maybe it was about time he actually tried that girlfriend thing. If Isaac and Taylor enjoyed it so much, maybe he would too. 

So he called Kate.


	5. 2001

Back in Oklahoma on a much needed Christmas break, the Hanson family gathered at their childhood home, including Natalie, Kate, and Isaac's new girlfriend, Nikki. Out of all of Isaac's girlfriends, Nikki was his favorite. She was low maintenance, pretty, and the perfect match for Isaac's weird humor.

A home cooked meal was being passed around from person to person - lasagna, Diana's specialty. The night was spectacular by no means, but Zac had to admit that it was nice to have everyone together, a culmination of laughs and conversation filling the large house. It had been a while since the family shared a moment like this together. Years, even.

Since meeting Kate and Natalie last year, the foursome had become inseparable. They went on double dates, group vacations, and they were even photographed together by popular magazines. With Kate in the picture, Zac had someone to occupy his mind and any unbrotherly thoughts of Taylor had mostly disappeared. Mostly.

But even through all of that, Zac couldn't say that he was in love with Kate. He enjoyed her company well enough, but he didn't love her. Not like Taylor loved Natalie. It was clear to Zac just from watching Taylor and Natalie that something fundamental was missing from his relationship with Kate. Even the sex didn't excite him like he'd always hoped it would. 

Taylor clinked his fork against his glass and stood up from his seat. "SPEECH!" Zac shouted, causing a laugh to erupt from everyone at the table. Taylor was known for his eloquent speeches and Zac speculated that it was because he just loved to hear the sound of his own voice. 

"I have something I'd like to say." He cleared his throat nervously. 

Zac's face fell. Why was Taylor suddenly nervous? Nothing ever made Taylor nervous.

"As you all know, Natalie and I have been together for a while now. And honey, it has been the best year of my life." Taylor smiled down at Natalie, and Zac noticed how she looked up at him with only love in her eyes. It was sweet to the point where he thought he was going to gag on his lasagna.

She let out an audible gasp as Taylor dropped to one knee and pulled a ring box from his back pocket. "I want to be with you forever. I want to take care of you, and our unborn baby." He gingerly placed his hand on Natalie's stomach. "Will you marry me?"

Zac felt like a bomb had been dropped in the middle of the dining room, exploding and shattering his world into pieces. Had he stopped breathing? Certainly he must be dead and in Hell now. Natalie, was pregnant? Taylor was going to be a father? And they're getting MARRIED?

While everyone gathered around Natalie, ooh-ing and ah-ing at the ring and touching her non-existent baby bump, Zac slipped away unnoticed and found himself running as fast as he could down the street. All reason was out the window as he hadn't even bothered to grab a jacket on the way out of the house. The arctic air was not even acknowledged by his nerve endings. He was numb in all sense of the word.

He ran until his feet could no longer carry him, finally collapsing on a park bench a few blocks away. Panting, Zac rested his elbows on his knees and his head in the palms of his hands. Why didn't Taylor tell him that he was going to propose to Natalie? They were supposed to tell each other everything! Sure, he knew Taylor was in love with her, anyone with eyes could see that. But marriage was a lifelong commitment, and it meant that Taylor was being taken away from him. Forget a long weekend here and there - Taylor would be gone forever. There would be no late night chats and cuddles on the couch. There would only be recording in the studio and cramped, impersonal tour buses.

Betrayal is what Zac felt. After that, came bitterness and jealousy. Deep down, at the very core of Zac's being, he wished that things were different in that moment. He wished that he wasn't Taylor's brother so that they could be together instead. He understood then, in some sick, twisted way, that he wished he was the one on the receiving side of that engagement ring. 

_A dream that you are almost hit by a car...means you are having an inner tug-of-war...that changed how you think or feel about the world, where you are headed, or how you approach life._ Could it be that his unnatural feelings about Taylor were the reason for his nightmares? Have these thoughts been hiding in his unconscious for years, trying to break out through his dreams?

He remembered all of the times Taylor had held his hand, wrapped his arms around his body, kissed his scrapes and bruises. He remembered all of the times that he stayed up late thinking about kissing Taylor's lips and touching his uncovered skin. What they shared wasn't normal after all. The realization of all of this quickly brought the content of Zac's stomach up his throat and out onto the grass next to him.

"Dude, what the Hell?" Taylor's car pulled up to the curb next to the bench where Zac sat. "Why'd you run off? Are you alright? You're throwing up!" His voice was inquisitive, but not angry. "And where on Earth is your jacket?"

Startled at the sound of his brother's voice, Zac spit and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "I uh. Just needed some fresh air. I'm fine, now."

"Get in the car. Please, Zac. You're going to get pneumonia."

Zac simply shook his head and returned it to his hands, not really ready to look his brother in the eyes. This night had been a lot to take in and he felt drunk with emotion.

Taylor sighed and put his car in park right there in the middle of the road. He climbed out and settled close to Zac on the bench, their thighs touching. The physical contact with his brother made him feel like he'd been punched in the gut, and he winced. 

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I know it's a lot of change to take in at once. Believe me, I'm still trying to wrap my head around being a Dad. But I'm really excited about this, Zac, and I wish you'd be happy for me."

How cocky for him to assume that he was the reason that Zac was upset. He may have been right, but that was still pretty cocky of him.

Zac looked up at Taylor and used all of his strength to muster a half-smile, and he suddenly felt nauseous again. Taylor's cheeks and the tip of his nose were pink from the bitter cold, and Zac couldn't stop himself from thinking how utterly perfect he looked. 

"I am happy for you, Tay," he lied. Why was he lying? "I just. I don't know. I'm feeling a little like you hid this from me. I thought we told each other everything."

_A little heads up would have been nice._

Taylor nodded slowly. "It all happened so fast. I just found out that she's expecting. And marriage... marriage is the right thing to do. It was going to eventually happen anyway, and now seems like the perfect time to make that leap."

True, Taylor and Zac spent many nights gushing over their girlfriends and what the future held, but Zac had always imagined that those stories belonged way in the future, when cars were flying through the air. Or when robots ran the world. He looked down at his feet, eyes fixated on the concrete between them. He wanted to tell him that he was an idiot for knocking a girl up before marriage and then marrying her _because_ he knocked her up. But that wouldn't have solved the sour feeling in his stomach or the fact that he had incestuous feelings about his brother.

"Hey," Taylor said softly, his hand sliding under Zac's chin to tilt it up. "I really am sorry, Zac. Please forgive me." His eyes were ocean blue, and Zac found himself drowning in them. It took everything in his power to not lean over and kiss his brother. He wanted to show Taylor that he didn't need Natalie, that he could be everything he needed and wanted. 

Guess Kate hadn't helped him get rid of those thoughts after all.

"I know," Zac whispered. Fighting the urge to press their lips together, he leaned his head on Taylor's shoulder instead. When Taylor's arms snaked around his waist, he could feel his heart rate begin to speed up, in the best - and the worst - way possible. Taylor's body heat radiated through him, making the winter air feel like a summer breeze.

It was a unusual thing, their brotherhood. Zac knew that. He understood that normal brothers didn't cuddle in bed at night, or hold hands. But they weren't normal brothers. They had something special. He knew Taylor felt it too, even if he refused to say the words out loud.

Zac felt a pang in his chest when Taylor's lips pressed against his hairline.

***

Later that night long after the celebration had ended and after everyone went home, Zac laid in his bed wide awake staring at the ceiling. There was no threat of having a nightmare because he was certain that sleep would not find him tonight. It was difficult for him to sleep in their childhood home where they grew up together, the place where the feelings started. Kate slept soundly beside him, and he was sure Natalie and Taylor were sleeping soundly in the adjacent room as well. The thought of it made his stomach turn.

He rolled out of bed and padded quietly down the hallway towards the kitchen. Given the fact that he'd skipped dessert and thrown up most of his dinner, he was starving. He hummed quietly to himself as he rummaged through the refrigerator looking for the perfect midnight snack. When he felt something touch his shoulder he jumped a foot in the air, letting out a startled squeak and hitting his head on the refrigerator door.

"Dude, I'm so sorry," Taylor whispered loudly.

Zac spun around and shot Taylor a death glare as he rubbed the side of his head. His skull was throbbing like it had it's own heartbeat. "Are you trying to kill me, Tay?" He shoved the door closed and opened up the freezer to grab a carton of Rocky Road ice cream.

Taylor grabbed two spoons from the drawer and followed Zac to the table. "Why are you awake?" he asked.

"Couldn't sleep. Why are _you_ awake?" Zac asked back.

"Same."

Zac didn't know what to say, so he shoved a heaping spoonful of ice cream in his mouth.

"I couldn't sleep because I felt really bad about earlier. You are so mad at me, and I don't want you to be."

"What's done is done," he mumbled, mouth full.

"I don't want it to be done though," Taylor said.

He studied Taylor's face. There was no way he meant that in the way that Zac wanted it to mean. "Just go back to your fiance, Taylor. I'm fine."

Taylor frowned and stabbed the ice cream with his spoon. "Alright, well, can I at least give you a hug goodnight?"

 _Like I could ever say no to you even though I should,_ Zac thought. 

"Sure." 

They stood and Taylor pulled Zac into an embrace, arms wrapped around his midsection. Zac rested his chin on Taylor's shoulder and hugged him back lightly, afraid if he hugged him any tighter he'd never let go. He may have felt hurt and angry with his brother, but the hug helped relax him more than he wanted to admit. His days of midnight Taylor hugs were numbered.

"Goodnight, Zac."

"Night, Tay."

He waited till Taylor rounded the corner before shoving another spoonful of ice cream in his mouth.


	6. 2002

"Jesus, Zac. Can you put that shit out and come over here and help me? You are my best man, after all." Taylor coughed and waved his hand around to help dissipate the smoke in the air.

Sixteen year old Zac Hanson had taken up recreational marijuana as a means to completely numb himself of all unclean thoughts about his brother. It worked, most of the time. Plus, it really helped make Taylor's dull wedding talk a Hell of a lot more exciting. 

"I need help with the music selection. What are your thoughts on List A vs. List B?"

Zac rolled in what felt like slow motion, off the couch and onto the floor next to where Taylor was seated. He had papers strewn about haphazardly, with no real sense of organization. Zac couldn't help but think he looked like a mad scientist. 

Lips still pressed around the joint, he grabbed both lists and pretended to survey them.

The truth of the matter was Zac didn't give a shit. Taylor had all but practically ignored him for the past 3 months in order to plan the damn shotgun wedding. The most they'd hung out was at Taylor's Bachelor Party, also known as a bunch of guys sitting around drinking beer and smoking cigars. It was a total joke.

"Neither. Both. Whatever you want."

Taylor mumbled an obscenity under his breath and yanked the papers out of Zac's hands. "Thanks for your help," he said sarcastically. "And can't you blow your smoke elsewhere? I'm getting a contact high just sitting next to you." 

Zac took another puff and very deliberately exhaled the smoke in Taylor's direction. Taylor had been known to smoke every now and again, so why all of a sudden was he being a prude? Zac was over Taylor's holier-than-thou shit.

A proud, mischievous grin crossed Zac's face as he finished the joint. Taylor was shooting him a death glare, which only made his smile grow wider. "Sorry, brother. List B is better. More upbeat, less traditional." He leaned over and placed an apologetic kiss on Taylor's cheek, lingering for a few seconds too long because his cologne smelt _so. damn. good._ He was too stoned to wonder - or care - if he was crossing a line. 

Zac wasn't sure if Taylor noticed the lingering kiss or not because he sat there still and quiet. Sighing, Zac rested his forehead against Taylor's temple, eyes slipping shut. "Sorry for being an ass," he whispered. "Don't be pissed at me. I can't have my big brother mad at me. It's bad enough that I'm barely going to see you anymore."

There was a long pause before Taylor spoke up, as if the thought had just occurred to him. "You don't have to be sorry," Taylor mumbled. "And we're going to see each other all the time."

It was then that Zac felt Taylor's face shift just enough to brush their lips together.

At first, Zac wasn't sure if it was an accident or not, but soon Taylor's hand was on the back of his neck, pulling him in with force. Taylor sucked his thick bottom lip between his teeth before snaking in his tongue, tasting Zac with something that could only be described as fervor.

Zac felt like his entire body was on fire with want and need. He didn't know that a kiss could feel so good, so erotic. Unsure of what to do with his hands, he wrapped them both around Taylor's forearm, giving it a squeeze as if to say _please don't stop._ His heart was racing and his head was fuzzy from the weed, but he knew he wanted this. He wanted this for as long as he could remember.

Taylor leaned in, half of his body flush against Zac's as he pinned him to the back of the couch. Zac was still unsure what to do with his hands as he'd never had a kiss quite like this one before, but at least his lips were working. He leaned into the couch and gripped Taylor's hips, fingers dancing along the hem of his shirt.

Zac whimpered pathetically when Taylor pulled away, ending the kiss far too soon for his liking. They locked eyes for a moment and Zac tried so hard to read his expression. He desperately wanted to know that Taylor was thinking. Had he finally realized that Zac was the one for him?

"Tay, that was amaz-"

"Shit, Zac. I'm so sorry. Shit." Taylor pulled himself up from the floor and headed towards the door in what felt like record speed, and Zac hated the look of terror on his face and the way he was avoiding his eyes. "Night, Zac," his voice was almost inaudible as he left the room, leaving Zac dumbfounded and alone.

***

Zac looked at himself in the mirror as he straightened his tie for the umpteenth time that morning. It was Taylor's wedding day and he was way too sober for the occasion. 

He stepped out of the old Hanson family house and into the large backyard, figuring he could squeeze in a few tokes before they needed to leave for the church. He lit up and took a few puffs, exhaling naturally. His eyes fell to the large oak tree they used to lay under and share their dreams about being famous one day. Zac chuckled at the memory, and at how wrong they had been about everything.

His eyes trailed up the length of the tree and fell upon the old tree house that Walker had built for them years ago. Joint pressed between his lips, he suddenly found himself climbing up the makeshift ladder to get to the tree house. He was startled to see Taylor lying there, tie undone and jacket balled up under his head. They hadn't said but a few words to each other since the night of the kiss a few weeks ago, neither of them really knowing what to say and if it would do any good to even talk about it.

"Hey groomy." Zac grinned as he slipped into the tree house. Comedy was always Zac's defense mechanism. It never let him down. "Shouldn't you be downstairs with everyone else?" 

Taylor sat up and ran a hand through his shoulder length hair. "Probably. But I needed to clear my head for a minute." He eyed Zac as he sat down next to him, cross legged. "Mind sharing?" He gestured to the joint.

Pleasantly surprised, Zac took one last puff and passed the joint to his brother. They sat there in comfortable silence together until Zac decided to address the proverbial elephant in the room. At this point, what did he have to loose? "Look. Things have been awkward between us for the past few weeks, understandably. I'm sorry that they have. But I'm not sorry that _that_ happened." 

"I know," Taylor responded. "I'm sorry for everything, too. For being too close. All of the touching, cuddling, hugs... I should have stopped it all. I'm your big brother and I should have known better." Zac frowned and shook his head when he tried to pass him the joint again.

"What if I wanted all of those things." It wasn't really a question. In fact, Zac wasn't even sure he meant to say those words out loud before they had already slipped past his lips. Sighing in defeat, he turned his body to face Taylor's. "I've never felt this way about anyone, Tay. I'm so comfortable with you. Yeah, you're a pain in my ass sometimes. A lot of times." He shook his head. "I just mean - what I meant to say, is that I trust you. It feels right to me. _We_ feel right."

Taylor's eyes never met Zac's. "I'm getting married today, Zac. You have Kate and I have Natalie and we're all going to get married and have families because that's the only way it's meant to be." By the tone of his voice, Zac knew even he didn't believe a damn word he said. "The kiss was great, but there's something wrong with us, Zac. We're not supposed to feel this way. We shouldn't have kissed and it definitely shouldn't have felt so right. I'm an awful big brother for getting you into this mess. I want you to be happy, and experience everything that life has to offer. You'll never have all of that with me."

Zac wanted to be pissed at Taylor for just assuming he knew what he wanted from life. He wanted to shake him and tell him that it's not too late - that soon he'd be 18 and they could run away together. They couldn't be the only two star-crossed brothers in the damn world.

But it was no use. Zac had to admit that Taylor had a point. It was clear that Taylor wanted a picture perfect family and a picket fence, without all of the complications that a relationship with Zac would bring. His heart was stinging like he had been stabbed in the chest.

"Can I ask you something?" he said, waiting for Taylor's nod. "Have you ever been with a guy before?"

Again, Taylor didn't speak, but he shook his head. The admission surprised Zac, and on some level it comforted him to know that what they shared was special. The memory of Taylor's lips on his own would have to be enough. He'd have to find a way for it to be enough for him.

"Well." Zac cleared his throat. For as long as he could remember, Taylor had always been the strong one, holding him and Isaac together. Now it was Zac's turn to be the strong one. He knelt in front of Taylor and tied a perfect double windsor around his brother's neck. "There. I think you're all ready to get married now, Mr. Hanson." The words felt like poison in his mouth.

Taylor placed his hands in Zac's and squeezed. "Yes. I'm ready now."


	7. 2003

Zac leaned up against the brick wall in the alley outside of the concert hall, right knee bent with the bottom of his worn Chucks planted firmly under him. He took a hit off a freshly rolled joint as he waited for his friend Dave Moffatt to come from around the front. Dave and Zac kept in touch over the years, but it was a rare occasion that brought them both to Los Angeles at the same time. The Moffatts disbanded the year prior when Dave's 'coming out' caused a riff in the family that they couldn't recover from. When Zac heard the news, he contacted Dave immediately to show his support. He felt bad for the guy. Plus, he could relate to Dave on more levels than he'd care to admit.

Now that Zac was eighteen, he was free from explaining his actions to people. It was almost midnight when their _Underneath Acoustic_ show ended, and Zac wasn't ready to go back to the bus where he would be crammed in with Taylor until they reached the next city. He wanted to spend time with Dave doing literally anything that would keep him off the bus for a few extra hours. Since the wedding, Zac and Taylor barely spent time together, and especially not _alone_ together. With Natalie and Kate back in Tulsa while they were on tour, it was safer to maintain the distance.

"There you are! Goodness, I had to push through a lot of girls to get to you." Dave's voice came from the other side of the alley. Zac looked up to see him grinning from ear to ear as he walked towards him. That toothy grin hadn't changed one bit over the years. "I'm so glad you called me." His lips pressed against Zac's cheek.

Zac smiled and passed Dave the joint. "There was no way I was going to pass up seeing you while I was in town. You look great! I barely recognized you."

"Four years is a long time, babe. You look completely different, too. Did you grow like, eight inches since we saw each other last?"

"Something like that." Zac laughed loudly as if it was the funniest joke he'd heard in a long time. He was already kind of stoned and he was feeling great. "What should we do tonight? I'm yours until three am, when we leave for the next city."

Dave's face was painted with thoughtfulness. "I have an idea. C'mon." He grabbed Zac's hand and pulled him towards the end of the alley opposite the screaming fans. Zac laughed like he hadn't in a long time, happy and carefree, as they ran away from the venue.

Taylor was peering around the corner of the building and caught a glimpse of the two holding hands as they ran off together.

***

They made a pit stop at a local convenience store. Dave grabbed a six pack of Yuengling and headed up to the register to pay. "Dude! Dude, neither one of us is twenty one. I'm not that much of a rockstar." He grabbed Dave's arm and was trying his best to pull him away from the scene of the crime. Sure, he drank beer from time to time, but the last thing he needed was to be arrested for underage drinking.

"Relax, Z. They know me here. You know, local celebrity and all," he winked.

Zac's jaw was ajar as he watched Dave laugh and flirt with the cashier. He paid without being ID'd, naturally.

"That was impressive," Zac mumbled as they walked out of the store. "A former boyfriend of yours?" He tried not to sound jealous of the fact that Dave was out and proud and living his best life.

"Nah. Just some dude I fooled around with." He shrugged. "C'mon. We're just a few blocks away."

"A few blocks away from where?" Zac asked inquisitively.

Dave didn't respond. He just threaded their fingers together and continued walking. If he had been holding hands with anyone else, Zac would have felt awkward. But with Dave he felt comfortable, like he could be his complete self around him. Despite not seeing him in a few years, their consistent phone calls and emails brought them close together even though they were thousands of miles apart. 

Eventually they wound up at an impressively tall, modern designed building. Zac marveled as Dave winked at the doorman in order to gain access to the secure entrance. Once in the elevator, they look it up to the roof.

"The roof?" Zac raised an eyebrow. "What could we possibly be coming here fo--" He was interrupted when the elevator doors opened to a deserted rooftop with the most amazing view of the city. "Wow," Zac breathed. "This is something else."

They stepped out of the elevator and walked out closer to the edge of the roof. "Pretty impressive, huh?" said Dave. "This is a good thinking spot for me. The doorman is a family friend, so he lets me in whenever I need to... clear my head. Living in L.A. has it's perks."

"Well you sure have all the connections," Zac said sardonically.

They shared the six pack as they sat on patio furniture in front of a fire pit. Zac reveled at how easy it was to talk to Dave, and vice versa. It made him realize how badly he had needed a friend these past few years. Taylor had always been his confidant and now that he was happily married and things were uncomfortably awkward between them, Zac really had no one.

Zac shared with Dave his feelings of betrayal and disconnect from Taylor, however being careful to avoid any mention of his romantic feelings. Dave was cool but Zac was sure he wasn't _that_ understanding. Still a lightweight, his head was feeling fuzzy from the booze but his mind was finally free of any worries. It felt good to get everything off his chest and out in the open. 

"Thanks for letting me bitch," he said. "Although, I feel bad. Shouldn't you be the one bitching to me? Your brothers totally ditched you too."

There was a half smile on Dave's face. "Nah, I'm fine. I'm paying a therapist good money to hear my issues."

Zac eyed Dave and noticed a twinge of pain in his face that went away as quickly as it came. Dave was cute, Zac thought. Tall, dark, and handsome. Other than Taylor, Dave was the first guy that Zac had ever thought of as attractive.

Dave noticed Zac's stare and reached over to place a hand on his shoulder. "You're not drunk right? Can I kiss you?"

Zac's brown eyes were wide and his curiosity got the best of him. Dave knew about Kate, but didn't seem to care, and selfishly Zac wasn't sure he cared either.

"Well, no. I mean - yes," he sputtered nervously. "No. I'm not drunk. And yes, you ca--" He couldn't finish his sentence before Dave's lips were crushed against his own. He let out a moan of approval and his eyes fluttered closed. The kiss was firm but Dave's lips were surprisingly soft. He felt himself melt immediately.

Zac could feel Dave's hands in his hair and it set every single nerve ablaze with electricity. His fists grabbed at Dave's shirt, pulling the older man on top of him as he leaned back onto the cushions. Dave's hands found their way up Zac's shirt, causing him to shiver at the contact. He'd never been touched like this by a man, or really ever at all. Sure, he and Kate had slept together a handful of times, but this was not the same thing. Not even close.

Dave pressed into him and he could feel his jean-clad erection pressing up against his own. For the first time in his life his mind was blank, no worries or thoughts of Taylor clouding his judgement. He was simply enjoying the feeling of Dave's weight on top of him, his tongue swirling around with his own. His hands slipped down Dave's back and into his pants, hands cupping his perfectly round ass cheeks to pull him in closer.

Dave laughed against Zac's lips. "Mmm, you're bad." He grabbed Zac's wrists and pinned them above his head while the other worked on getting Zac's jeans and boxers off. "You want to do this?"

Zac realized at that moment how much of a walking cliche he was. Losing his virginity under the stars? Totally cliche. And totally fucking hot.

"Abso-fucking-lutely."

***

It was 45 minutes past Zac's curfew when he strolled up to the tour bus. His cell phone battery had died and he wondered how many missed calls he had from everyone wondering where he was.

"See you soon, Dave. Thank you again, for tonight."

"Anytime, lover boy. Good luck with the rest of the tour." Dave gave him a big movie star smooch, tipping him backwards and planting a firm kiss on his lips. 

Zac grinned and kissed him one last time before he pulled the bus door open. As he stepped inside, he noticed the window blinds shift out of the corner of his eye. When he stepped on the bus and closed the door behind him, Taylor was all over him. 

"Where the HELL have you been?" His words were flying out of his mouth like daggers. He had Zac practically pinned against the door in the most accusatory fashion. Looking up at his brother, Zac noted how Taylor looked like Hell. Like he hadn't slept in days.

The rest of the bus was quiet and the lights were dim, a sign that everyone else was asleep.

"I was out. Jesus Tay, you knew I was hanging out with Dave tonight." He pushed past him and headed towards the back of the bus where the bunks were. It was 4am and he just wanted to sleep. "My phone died, otherwise I would have called you."

Taylor followed. "You're late. You were supposed to be here an hour ago. What the Hell were you two doing? You smell like beer."

Zac was annoyed with Taylor suddenly taking on the part of "Dad" and knew the best way to piss him off was to not say a damn word. He pushed past Taylor again and headed towards the lounge, trying his best to get some distance from him, but of course he followed. He kicked off his shoes and winced slightly as he sat down on the couch. The sex was great, but losing your virginity without the proper lubricant made it a little less great.

Taylor seemed to have noticed Zac's reaction, as he was staring at him with wide eyes. "Did you... did you sleep with him?" His voice was now soft and almost feeble.

Zac's eyes slowly made their way up to Taylor's, trying to gauge his level of jealousy. "Yes," he said plainly. Part of him really wanted Taylor to be jealous. 

"How could you be so stupid?" he asked. "You don't even know the guy."

"We've been friends for years, Tay. I trust him," Zac replied defensively. Taylor's body language was closed off, his arms crossed over his chest and his cheeks growing more red by the minute. "Plus, why do you care, Tay? You don't want me, and he does." 

Zac thought Taylor deserved to be jealous, like he had been jealous over Natalie all of these years. He wanted to tell him all the dirty little details about his escapade; How his legs wrapped tightly around Dave as he writhed under him. How Dave gave Zac the most intense orgasm of his life and then cleaned it all away with his tongue. But he couldn't bring himself to hurt Taylor in that way, even though he was hurting himself.

Taylor opened his mouth as if to speak, his cheeks getting warmer, but he cleared his throat and restarted. "Are you going to see him again?"

"Yes," he replied once more. At least, he wanted to keep seeing Dave. Dave had awoken a part of Zac that laid dormant for most of his life, a part of him that made him feel warm and alive.

"Well, next time make sure you charge your damn phone," he muttered. Taylor, true to his diva form, spun around and headed back down the hall towards their bunks, always needing to have the last word.


	8. 2004

Dave had spent most of the _Underneath Tour_ with Zac, flying out to be with him for at least one week at a time. Every so often he'd fly home to take care of a few things, but he'd return only a few days later to whatever city they were at on that date. He'd become an honorary fourth member, assisting the roadies with setup and breakdown each night. It seemed to Zac that Dave was actually enjoying himself - he was sure that he missed touring with his brothers and being in a band of his own.

He'd set up camp in the bunk below Zac's and each night when everyone was asleep, he'd creep into Zac's bunk and cuddle with him. They spent their nights kissing, touching, every once in a while giving each other a hand job, but that was all. There was no space, let alone privacy, to do anything else.

On the last night of the tour, an after party celebration was scheduled to take place at a local club downtown. Isaac, Taylor, and the rest of the crew planned to attend and Zac knew this would be the perfect time for him and Dave to stay behind so that they could be alone.

They said their goodbyes and the moment the door was closed, they were all over each other, lips crushed together hungrily, hands pulling down zippers, skipping over tee shirts and sweaters. 

"I thought they'd never leave," Zac mumbled against Dave's neck as he pushed down his jeans and boxers just enough to expose his erection. There was no point in taking it gentle and slow; he wanted Dave and he wanted him _now._

Dave repeated the movement, pulling Zac's boxers down under his ass before bending him over the arm of the couch. Zac found a small bottle of lubricant he'd hid in between the couch cushions and tossed it over his shoulder, smirking. He sucked in a deep breath as Dave pushed two lubricated fingers into him, stretching him out hurriedly. When Dave withdrew his fingers and grabbed a fistful of his hair, Zac braced himself. He knew Dave wanted this, needed this just as badly as he did. It had been far too long.

"Zac..." Dave moaned as he slid into him, pausing for a moment to feel Zac's body relax. He wasted no time in finding an accelerated rhythm.

Knowing they were alone for the next few hours, Zac didn't hold back his moans, which were coming out more like screams of pleasure. He dug his fingernails into the couch cushions, desperately trying to hold onto something. He flung his hair out of his face and glanced over his shoulder to look at Dave. Instead, he caught a glimpse of Taylor in the doorway, standing there with his mouth ajar and a horrified look on his face.

The erection in Taylor's jeans was sorely evident, the implications leading Zac to believe that he'd been standing there a while. Zac knew he ought to stop, that he shouldn't be getting off on Taylor watching him getting fucked by Dave, but he couldn't. His eyes were locked intensely with Taylor's as Dave wrapped his hand around his painfully erect dick, pumping him with purpose. He let out a moan that sounded more like _Tave_ than it did Dave as he came hard into his hand and all over the cushions.

Zac collapsed on the couch, eyes half-lidded with Dave still rocking his hips until he came just a few moments later. When he opened his eyes, Taylor was gone.

Dave pressed a kiss to the back of Zac's shoulder. "So did Taylor enjoy the show?"

He pulled himself to his feet and turned to face Dave, giving him a look of disbelief. It seemed that Dave had known all along that Taylor was there but he kept going - and that was a level of desperation that Zac figured he could get on board with.

***

It surprised Zac that Taylor never spilled the beans about his relationship with Dave, or the fact that he'd caught them fucking, to Isaac or anyone else on the team. He was surprised, too, that he was able to get away with it for an entire year, unscathed by any lecture from Taylor on 'what would you do if Kate found out?' It seemed as though Taylor understood Zac's primal need for a man's touch. 

Zac's feelings for Kate were those that you would have about a best friend, but there was no romantic love in their relationship. He wasn't sure that he was even capable of loving anyone, and he was convinced that it was easier to go through life without all of the complications of love. Deep down, he was terrified of being hurt.

There was never an excuse for cheating - Zac knew that. But he wasn't ready to admit to Kate, and to his entire family that he was gay. It was almost easier to go on living the lie for as long as he could manage, knowing that his parents and some of his siblings wouldn't be so inclined to accept him if they knew the truth.

Natalie was pregnant with Taylor's second child. When Zac wasn't spending time with Dave, he would smoke weed to numb his feelings about it all. Sometimes it was severely hard to see Taylor so happy with all of the things he could never give him.

While they were home in Tulsa, Dave agreed to make himself scarce, respecting that Zac needed time to work and spend time with Kate. He was understanding that Zac wasn't ready to come out and never pressured him to do so, and that was just one of the many reasons why Dave was so incredible.

"Feel like ordering a pizza?" Taylor asked. "Kate, Nat and Nikki are having a girl's night and Ezra is asleep. Figured maybe we should invite Ike over to hang out."

Zac nodded at the suggestion. "Sure. It's not like the three of us never see each other or anything." His voice dripped with sarcasm, but he was smiling.

"Fair point." He jumped up on the kitchen counter, legs dangling. Zac grabbed his coat from the back of the kitchen chair and slipped one arm in. "What? Leaving so soon?"

"Mhm. It's getting late, and I promised I'd call Dave tonight."

Taylor breezed past the Dave comment without acknowledging it. "C'mon Zac, stay. We never hang out anymore, just the two of us."

Zac looked at his brother incredulously. "And who's fault is that? Mr. Married With Children." Despite the push back, he found himself taking off his jacket and hanging it up once more.

Taylor simply smiled and hopped off the counter. "So... Die Hard?"

***

Two pizzas and a six pack of beer later, it was like the past few years had been erased. They laughed together and shared a high-five every time John McClane kicked ass (which was all the time). In that moment, any jealousy and awkwardness was replaced with genuine happiness. Zac was enjoying himself so much that he lost track of time and missed his nightly date with Dave by a solid hour and a half.

"Fuck!" He jumped up from the couch and grabbed his cellphone out of his pocket. "Gimme a second, Tay. I forgot to call Dave. Mind if I step into the other room?"

Taylor shrugged. "Yeah, of course. I'll start cleaning up."

Zac slipped into Taylor and Natalie's room for some privacy, letting his eyes survey the space around him. Pictures of the happy couple on every wall brought Zac back down to Earth. Taylor was happy with Natalie, and Zac had Kate. And Dave. Why did seeing pictures of Taylor and his family still bother him?

Needing to get away from the pairs of eyes staring at him, he moved into the adjacent bathroom and closed the door. He took a seat on the counter and dialed Dave's phone number.

"You're late." There was no Hello. Zac could tell by Dave's voice that he had been asleep.

"I know, I'm sorry. I was watching Die Hard, and you know how that goes."

"I do know how that goes." The two men shared a laugh. "I'll forgive you, if you make it up to me." He voice was deep and suggestive.

"Oh? And how can I do that from half a continent away?" Zac could feel his heartbeat drumming against his rib cage.

"Tell me what you're wearing."

Zac hopped off the counter and started pacing back and forth in the bathroom. Sure, they'd had phone sex plenty of times. But in his brother's house? That was uncharted territory, and a line he wasn't sure he wanted to cross.

That didn't stop him from answering the question, however. "Black jeans and a tee shirt. Boxers.” 

"Sexy," Dave chuckled. "Nothing but a hard on and a smile for me."

Zac blushed at the thought. Without hesitation, he unbuttoned his jeans and grabbed his newly hard erection. Taylor had already seen them fucking live and in person, so what harm would a little phone sex do?

"God I miss you," Zac breathed. "You better be touching yourself and thinking of me. I'm sure as Hell doing that right now."

"Mhm. Only two more weeks and I'm all yours, babe. I'm going to ravage you the minute I see you." Zac's hand was moving faster, his legs starting to tremble.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Jesus H. Christ. What was Jordan Taylor Hanson, the masturbation police? 

"I'm getting close, babe." Dave's voice pulled Zac back into the fantasy. "Come with me."

As if on cue, Zac came into his hand, biting down so hard on his lip to keep quiet that it drew a dot of blood.

"Zac, are you alright in there? It's been half an hour."

"Impeccable fucking timing," Zac mumbled as he cleaned himself up. "Dave - I gotta go. Taylor is about to break down the door and the last thing I need is for him to see me here with my dick in my hand."

Dave laughed. "Got it, babe. Call you tomorrow." They exchanged their goodbyes and Zac redressed quickly. He swung the door open and tried his best to be nonchalant. Any sense of reality went out the window when he saw Taylor standing there was the most obvious of erections.

"Really Zac? In my house?" 

The look on Taylor's face caused a very tangible feeling in Zac's chest. "I... You're right. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Tay," he said with all honesty. "Seemslikeyouenjoyeditthough." He referenced down towards Taylor's incredibly tight jeans. Before his brother could retort, he brushed past him and headed back into the bedroom, hoping there was still beer left in his bottle.

That comment seemed to get a physical reaction out of Taylor, as Zac heard him groan behind him. Taylor was always so politically correct that it drove Zac crazy, but what drove him even more crazy was his ability to just ignore his feelings. He just wanted his brother to be real with him for once in his life.

"Do you love him?"

The words stopped Zac dead in his tracks. He couldn't help but think that Taylor was out of line to ask him that. His relationships became none of his business the day he married Natalie. He spun around to look at Taylor from across the room, narrowing his eyes at him.

"Does it matter?" he asked. "Why do you care so much about who I fuck?"

There was a look of indignation in Taylor's eyes as he closed the distance between them, their eyes connecting intensely. Zac backed away from Taylor until he hit the wall and suddenly Taylor's lips were on his, tongue pushing into his open mouth. Zac wanted to hate him for doing this again, but he couldn't. He had been craving Taylor for as long as he could remember, and there was satisfaction in knowing that Taylor craved him, too.

Zac's hands worked their way up the back of Taylor's shirt while Taylor's hands threaded into his hair. He was unable to contain a moan when Taylor tugged at his locks, the act making his cock twitch. He pushed his hips forward, their jean-clad erections pressing together shamelessly. His body ached for Taylor and he wanted to feel him in every way imaginable. He'd all but forgotten about Kate, and Dave, and Natalie.

"Take me to bed, Taylor," he whispered, nipping once at Taylor's pink bottom lip. He couldn't wait any longer. He needed to know what it felt like to be with him.

Taylor smirked against Zac's lips and begun to leave a trail of kisses over the side of his neck and collarbone as they walked backwards towards the bed. Taylor's hands were at Zac's jeans, unzipping them and sliding them down to his ankles. 

"Jesus Zac," he breathed at the sight of his brother laying half naked beneath him. Zac's thighs trembled with anticipation as his brother knelt on the floor between his knees and slowly took his member into his mouth.

His mouth was ajar in complete shock at the sight of Taylor devouring his entire length. For someone who claimed to have never been with a man before, his brother sure knew all the right moves. "Taylor... holy Hell... how're you do-" Zac was above average in size and his brother was taking him in like a champ. He had to grip Taylor's hair to keep himself from thrusting up into his brother's warm, damp mouth.

The realization that this was actually happening, and in Taylor and Natalie's bed no less, was really all it took for Zac to lose his mind. His toes curled against the carpet beneath his feet. He opened his eyes to look down at his brother, the perfect specimen of a man, wanting to remember every second of this moment. Strands of dirty blonde hair dangled over his forehead and Zac reached down to brush them away and thread his fingers between the locks again. He knew that this was supposed to feel wrong, but it didn't, and he didn't care.

"Gonna come," he warned, just barely. When Taylor nodded and didn't pull away, swallowing every bit of Zac's load, he wondered if Taylor had in fact done this before.

He saw stars as he laid there panting and trembling, recovering. Taylor climbed up Zac's body and kissed the corner of his mouth reassuringly. "I think you killed me," Zac quipped, flashing Taylor a toothy grin. Feeling particularly vulnerable laying there half naked, he moved to pull his jeans back over his hips. 

"You seem very alive to me." He kissed Zac's mouth again.

"My turn." Zac wanted to return the favor. "I bet you taste sweet."

Taylor's cheeks were flushed at the dirty talk. "Please." 

God, it was even more hot when he begged.

Zac's hands immediately went for Taylor's jeans, pulling them down enough to reveal his hard on, as perfect as he had imagined it would be. He licked his lips hungrily, albeit a little nervously when he realized that his brother was just as big as he was, if not a little bigger. "You don't know how long I've waited for this, Tay..." His tongue trailed from the base of his cock to the tip before slowly taking the tip into his mouth.

"Jesus Zac, that feels incredible," Taylor moaned and pushed his hips forward, almost choking Zac with his impressive size. But Zac could take it. He wanted to please his brother in every way possible. "Shit, sorry, baby..."

Zac's stomach flipped at the sweet nickname and he could feel himself getting hard again. He pulled away to kiss the inside of Taylor's thigh. "Don't be sorry. I'm fine. I want every. bit. of. you." He punctuated his words with a kiss to his thighs before trailing the tip of his tongue from Taylor's balls to the tip of his length. 

He was only doing what he thought would feel good. By the reactions he was receiving from his brother, he felt more confident to continue. He wanted to satisfy Taylor, to taste everything he had to offer.

"Coming," Taylor warned breathlessly.

Zac shot a smug smile up at his brother as he shook beneath him, the beads of sweat on his forehead and the blonde strands of hair in his eyes reconfirming the fact that Taylor was the most beautiful human being he'd ever laid eyes on. Swallowing and licking a drop of excess from the corner of his mouth, Zac savored every bit of Taylor that he could. He fastened his brother's jeans once more and climbed on top of him, pressing a kiss under his chin.

"I was right. You taste sweet." 

Taylor dipped his head and kissed Zac with tongue as if to taste himself to see if it was true.

They laid there in perfect silence for a while, arms and legs intertwined like they were one person, hearts beating rapidly in succession. Everything felt so harmonious between them now that the sexual tension was gone. They'd gotten what they needed.

"I'm sorry," Taylor whispered, turning his head to look at Zac. "For being jealous and questioning your every move. You're a grown man and you can make your own choices."

Zac inched up so that he was eye-to-eye with him. "I can forgive you for being jealous as long as you don't ever stop kissing me." He grinned when Taylor kissed him in response. "I'm yours, Tay. Always have been and always will be. For forever."


	9. 2005

The day had come and Zac couldn't be more nervous. He had made the decision long ago to break up with Dave, but he had to do it in person before they went on tour for three months. He didn't want to be that dick that broke up with someone over the phone; he cared way too much about him to do that. He deserved better than that. He deserved better than _him_.

Months passed since the escapade in Taylor and Natalie's marital bed, and the relationship between Taylor and Zac blossomed. After years of feeling estranged from Taylor, Zac felt like he finally got his brother back. They connected on levels that he didn't even know were possible, free from any secrets now that their feelings for each other were out in the open. 

During those months, Zac didn't see Dave. He made the excuse that they were at home working on new material, which was only partly true. The rest of it was because guilt consumed him, gnawing at him from the inside out. Dave was a good man and there was no way on Earth he could explain to him that he'd cheated on him with his brother, of all people. Dave was understanding of Zac's relationship with Kate, justifying that he too had 'been there before' - but he wouldn't understand the rest. No one would.

On nights that they could escape, Taylor and Zac went to the studio. Lips found their way onto lips, hands onto bare patches of skin, but they never had sex. That was something special that Zac knew they'd share when the time was right.

When he saw Dave walk into the restaurant he stood up and wiped his nervous palms on his jeans. A wave of remorse washed over him and he regretted flying 2,000 miles to do this in person. _Should've taken the cowards way out_ , he thought.

"Is it possible that you get more gorgeous every time I see you?" was Dave's opening line as he approached the table. Caution was thrown to the wind when he planted his lips on Zac's in the middle of the crowded restaurant. Sometimes lack of fame had its perks.

Zac cleared his throat nervously and sat down at the table, gesturing to Dave's seat. "Hi. Sit." His eyes were fixated on Dave's face, admiring his full lips and big doe eyes. He wanted to take him in one last time, before it was officially over. "I ordered you a beer. I made sure to tell them it wasn't for me, that it was for my friend who is actually 21," he chuckled.

"Thanks, babe. And thanks for coming all the way up here to see me. I've got an amazing weekend planned for us."

Zac had an awful taste in his mouth. He was the scum of the earth and he knew it. How could he leave this perfect man for the possibility of someday being with his brother? The thought made Zac realize just how deranged his entire situation was. "Actually, I need to talk to you, Dave. About this weekend and, uh, other things."

"Ah, I see," Dave said, and leaned back in his chair, his body language defensive. Yep, Zac was the worst person in the world.

"I care about you so, so much. You brought me to life when I was so close to burning out. You helped me realize things about myself... and I'm so thankful for you." Zac could hear his voice tremble slightly. He reached over the table and placed his hand gently on the man's forearm. "But... but..."

"You met someone else," Dave said knowingly. He didn't wait for Zac to respond. "Look, I get it. Being on tour and away from your mate is hard. There's a lot of temptation out there. I just hope he knows he's one lucky guy." Of course Dave just knew that there was another man in the picture, that there was no way Zac could be leaving him for Kate. He was too smart for his own damn good.

At that moment, Zac wished he could dissolve into nothingness and just cease to exist. Dave was being a damn champ during this breakup and that somehow made him feel worse. "I'm so sorry," he whispered pathetically.

Dave slid his chair around the other side of the table so that he could sit next to Zac. He cupped both cheeks in his hands forcing Zac to look at him. "I hope you find out what you want in life, what you _really_ want. And I hope one day it leads you back to me."

Zac crushed their lips together wantonly, letting out a whimper. He could feel his eyes watering but would not dare let one of them fall. Regret was running through his veins and he hated himself and his circumstances. He resented the gravitational pull his brother had over him. Here Dave was before him, a gentle, kind human being who cared for him, and who didn't share his DNA. Why couldn't Zac be happy with him? Why did Zac need Taylor so much that he thought he might literally die if he couldn't be close to him?

***

There wasn't a lot of things that made Zac nervous, but the thought of going on an actual date with Taylor made the top of the list. It had been Taylor's suggestion, much to Zac's consternation, that they go on a date because he 'deserved a night about him'. The motivation behind the date was sweet, but what would the date even entail for two brothers who grew up together and already shared their first sexual experience?

Was he supposed to dress up? Taylor didn't say. It took Zac half an hour to decide on his outfit for the night - converse, black jeans, and a white v-neck. _Ugh, I'm definitely over thinking this_ , he told himself as he took one last glance in the mirror before heading down to the hotel lobby.

Taylor was already waiting, his hands shoved into skin tight acid wash jeans. He was wearing a dark green Henley that was fitted enough to accentuate his perfectly lithe body. It was going to take every ounce of Zac's will power to make it through this night without touching his brother.

"Hey."

"There you are! I was beginning to think that you were ditching me."

He was being cute and flirty. What was Taylor trying to do to him? 

"I wouldn't dream of it. Where are we headed?"

Taylor's thin, pink lips curved into a smirk. "You'll find out soon enough. C'mon." He hooked his arm around Zac's, walking with him like that for a few blocks till they reached their destination. Zac wished that they could hold hands in public but if this was all the closeness they could share without being questioned, he would take it.

"I can't believe you brought me to a laser tag place," Zac laughed, shaking his head. "Goddamit, you know me so well, Tay."

"I know." Taylor was grinning as he paid their fare and slipped on the laser tag vest. He looked around to make sure that they were alone before planting a firm kiss to Zac's mouth. "Catch me if you can."

The best part about the game, beside the fact that it was just awesome, was that it somehow brought him and Taylor closer together. Laser tag was a game that the trio played for years prior to their days of fame, before they got too busy for such luxuries. 

Zac hadn't lost his touch, as he'd eliminated two thirds of the people they were playing with just a few minutes into the game. But he hadn't found Taylor yet, and taking him out would prove to be the best prize.

He tiptoed around and crouched to hide behind a cubicle wall. He could hear other players eliminating one by one, but when the announcement of 'two players left' came, he knew it was down to him and his brother.

The adrenaline pumping through his veins was akin to that of playing in front of a large audience. It made him more determined to take down Taylor. He rounded the corner, knowing that Taylor's M.O. was to hide out until the very end.

Despite the room being almost completely dark, Zac noticed something so very discrete from across the room. He could see the tip of Taylor's right Chuck sticking out from behind a cubicle wall. _Rookie move_ , he thought. Now was his time to strike. 

He made his way quickly, but as quietly as possible, around to Taylor's backside where he had a very visible shot. But to take Taylor out this way wouldn't be fun. He wanted to see the look on his face.

"Oh brother?"

Taylor spun around, startled, and before he could draw his gun, Zac shot him square in the chest. "Gotcha! The King of Laser Tag reigns supreme!" 

"You bastard..."

"See ya!" Zac went running across the room, giddy like a school child, tossing the attendant his vest before sprinting outside. He could hear Taylor's steady feet behind him.

He finally stopped outside of the building, panting for breath and smirking mischievously when Tayor found him. Beads of sweat formed at his brow line and the choice of a white shirt probably hadn't been the best idea, but he was having fun nonetheless. 

"I totally thought I had a chance at beating you. Thought maybe I'd win because you're so out of practice."

"It's like riding a bike, baby." He was still grinning, and he reached out to touch Taylor's cheek. It was a fleeting touch because they were in public, but he needed to connect with him if only for a moment. "Thank you for this, Tay. This was so great. I think I forgot what it was like to just forget everything and have fun."

Taylor subtly leaned into Zac's touch. "You're welcome. And it was a lot of fun, even if I got my ass handed to me." He glanced down at his watch. "Dinner? There's a cafe around the corner, and I hear they have the Best Mediocre Turkey Club Sandwich in all of South Carolina!"

"A turkey club sounds amazing, but I think I'm in the mood for something else."

"Alright." Taylor shrugged. "What'll it be?"

Zac's eyes narrowed to Taylor's lips. "You."

Taylor's cheeks were flushed a dark red and Zac wondered if there was blood circulating anywhere else in his entire body. "Are - are you sure?"

There was nothing that he was more sure about. He'd wanted Taylor so badly that it made him ache, and he was beyond ready to cross the threshold into Hell with him.

"I'm hungry, Tay. But not for something that I can eat."

The older man's expression turned from embarrassment to desire. "Lets go."

The world around him was silent and all Zac could hear was the beating of his heart in his eardrums. He was about to cross a line with Taylor and he was nervous, excited, and so horny that it was borderline painful.

Back in Zac's hotel room, Taylor was undressing him urgently, pressing his naked body up against the inside of the door, making Zac shiver at the contact of his skin against the cold surface. It was obvious to him that Taylor wanted this just as much as he did, and he too couldn't wait any longer.

Zac grabbed at Taylor's belt and yanked it off, pushing his jeans down (not without mumbling about how damn tight they were), and he moaned happily as their two naked bodies made contact. His hands were at Taylor's hips, pushing him backwards towards the bed. "Hold on." He went over to his duffel bag and grabbed a bottle of lubricant. 

"Always prepared, huh?" Taylor sucked in a deep breath when Zac dripped the cool liquid over the tip of his throbbing cock, smoothing it over with his calloused fingers. Zac took his time, stroking his brother painfully slow. He was letting his eyes drink in the entirety of his naked body. 

"Well you wouldn't want to hurt your baby brother, would you?" 

Taylor's eyes went dark with desire again. "Get on the bed."

Zac laid on the bed but Taylor's hands grabbed him, rolling him over to his stomach, causing Zac to moan loudly into the pillows. He spread Zac's thighs apart with his knees and settled himself there, guiding just the tip of himself into Zac's body.

"Tay," he breathed. "More. Give me more. I was lying before. You don't have to be so gentle."

Taylor obliged, pushing himself in all the way to the hilt. He left a trail of kisses up Zac's spine to the back of his neck as he rocked his hips. They fit together perfectly, like they should have been doing this all along.

The line had been crossed and they were damned to Hell, but this was sure one way to go. Zac's nerve endings were alive with avidity, feeling more whole and absolute than he ever had. It took him a moment to get his bearings but when he found them, he steadied himself on his knees and met Taylor's hips with equal thrusts of his own. He silently thanked God that Isaac's room was a few doors away, otherwise he was certain that he would have heard his screams.

Zac sat back on his knees and curled a hand around his back, touching Taylor's hip. He wanted more of him, this wasn't enough. He needed to touch and kiss any reachable part of him. Sensing this, Taylor turned his face towards his and kissed him deeply.

Both of Taylor's hands snaked around Zac's body, one pressing strongly against his chest, holding him close, and the other around his pulsing erection. "I want you to come for me, Zac. Let me feel you."

Zac tensed as the earthquake shuddered through him, and he fell forward onto the pillows once more, completely spent and waiting for Taylor to return the favor. Taylor's hands ran up Zac's sweaty back and tangled in his hair as he came with one last thrust, collapsing onto the pillows next to him.

"Figures you'd be absolutely superb in bed," he mumbled into the pillows, not having moved an inch except to turn his head towards his brother.

"Oh, stop it." Taylor scooted closer so that they could both share the pillow, his arm lazily running up and down Zac's sweaty back. Their heartbeats slowed down, matching each other's rhythm. "So, how would you rate our first date? Good? Bad? Okay, but feeling like you can do better?"

Zac finally turned a little more so that Taylor could see the full extent of his eye roll. "It was amazing. The best date I've ever had. Thank you, Tay." He kissed his brother a few times, not ready to pull away just yet. "You know something?"

"Hm?"

"Ever since I realized how I feel about you, my nightmares stopped," he admitted. "Guess I was trying to avoid the feelings so much that I made myself go a little crazy."

Taylor frowned. "At least you found out the reason behind them and I'm glad to hear that they've stopped," he whispered. "I just want you to be happy."

If only Taylor understood just how happy Zac felt. He finally had his heart's desire, and he felt unbreakable.

***

Zac pulled a Mountain Dew from the fridge and cracked it open, taking a long gulp. The show they had just played had exhausted him in the best way, and he knew a can of Mountain Dew would give him the energy he needed for the rest of the night. He felt his phone vibrate and pulled it out of his pocket.

 _To: Zac_  
_From: Kate_  
_Message: I miss you, honey. Hope the tour is going well. Can't wait to see you in a couple of weeks! xoxo_

 _To Kate:_  
_From: Zac_  
_Message: Everything is going great. We played an extra half an hour tonight because of the crowd's demand! I'll call you in the morning and tell you all about it._

Taylor was sitting with his legs crossed at the dining room table, twirling a pencil between his fingers. His voice broke through the comfortable silence in the room. "Have you thought about proposing to Kate?"

Zac had been mid-drink when the absurd question was asked, making him choke on his soda. He fell into a coughing fit that made his entire face go read. 

"What? Are you fucking crazy? Where the Hell is this coming from?" He shoved his phone back into his pocket and stared at Taylor in bewilderment. 

Taylor was laughing and Zac felt his face go warm with anger. Was this some kind of joke to him?

"It's bad enough that we're cheating on the girls, now you want me to go and propose marriage?!" 

"Quiet down, Zac." Taylor looked around the corner to make sure Isaac wasn't listening. Luckily he was sitting down the hall with his headphones on and a notepad in his hand. "You've been together for years now. She loves you," he paused. "It was just a suggestion."

Zac took a seat across from him at the table. "Is that really what you want, Tay? For me to marry Kate? Like, you think that's the right choice for me?" 

It was stupid for Zac to think that they could have anything more than what they already do. There was no real future for them. His brother was making that crystal fucking clear.

"Don't you want marriage? A family of your own? I can't give you either of those things, Zac. You deserve them, and Kate's a great girl."

The serious thought of kids and a wife had never crossed Zac's mind. Taylor was his family, and that was all he wanted. He stayed quiet.

"She would say yes in a heartbeat. Natalie told me so."

 _Fucking fantastic_ , Zac thought. He just loved the idea of the three of them talking about this behind his back.

"Who else knows about this conversation, brother? Let me guess: President Bush? Oprah?" his voice was dripping with sarcasm. "Jesus Taylor."

"Hey." Taylor grabbed Zac's hand and kissed his knuckles, the gesture only calming him down slightly. "It's alright. Forget I said anything."

Yeah, like Zac was going to forget this conversation any time soon. It was clear that Taylor thought the marriage was a good idea because he had no plans on leaving Natalie, ever. He felt stupid for thinking that one day they would belong to only each other. 

"I'll think about it."


	10. 2006

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be my last update for a few weeks because I'm going to be traveling around Europe. Thank you so much to everyone who has been reading so far!

It was a beautiful sunny day with no clouds in sight; the perfect setting for a June wedding. Birds were chirping happily among the trees, and the wind blew just cool enough to keep sweat at bay. All of this beauty fell unnoticed by Zac, however. On the outside he was a happy groom, smiling and playing the part as he made his way from table to table at the reception, thanking everyone for attending. On the inside he was numb, feeling absolutely nothing when Ike gave his Best Man speech, and when Natalie, pregnant with number three, gave her Matron of Honor toast.

Zac's eyes met Taylor's from across the room. They'd done a decent job of avoiding each other all morning, which Zac knew was for the best. If Taylor had came to him before the ceremony, he was sure that he would have asked him to help him escape out of a window or something.

Taylor was on the other side of the venue chatting up Isaac and Nikki. He had always been good at playing whatever part he needed to play, and Zac guessed that he was getting pretty good at it, too. It almost came too easy to them, Zac thought. Maybe they should have been actors instead of musicians.

When the DJ played the electric slide and most of the guests moved to the dance floor, Zac knew that that was his moment of escape. He slipped out the back door unnoticed, needing to catch some fresh air. He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes, finally allowing himself to feel all of the emotions that he had been holding in that day in order to save face: Anger. Sadness. Disappointment.

"Hey," came a familiar voice behind him. "It was a beautiful ceremony, Zac. Congratulations." Taylor leaned next to him against the wall of the venue. His suit jacket was off, sleeves rolled up to the elbows, his tie loose around his unbuttoned collar. Zac had a love-hate relationship with how Taylor made everything look sexy.

"Thank you." Zac smiled softly. He wondered if there was really anything worth congratulating in this situation.

"Excited for the honeymoon? Hawaii is going to be absolutely amazing this time of year." Zac appreciated that Taylor was trying to distract him from his feelings by attempting to extract any morsel of positivity from his situation. 

"I actually am excited," he said truthfully. As much as he was going to miss Taylor, he needed a little break from him. It was exhausting to want someone so much and have to hide those feelings all the time. "Going to miss you, though," he mumbled.

Taylor glanced around to make sure the coast was clear before stepping in front of Zac, gently pressing their bodies together against the cement wall. He was only a couple of inches taller than Zac now, which made them the perfect height for kissing. He dipped his head down and kissed his younger brother, hands gently grasping his lapels. 

Zac let out a sigh against Taylor's lips, his entire body relaxing as he melted against him. A week without Taylor kisses was going to be extremely difficult.

Taylor pulled back just an inch, their noses still touching. "When you get back, we will find a reason to get away, okay? We'll do whatever you want."

"So, Playstation and pizza?" Zac joked, his lips curling into a sarcastic smile. With no tour and very little recording planned for the rest of the year, they both knew it would be a challenge to find alone time. They'd have to soak up moments like these wherever they could have them.

Taylor laughed and pressed another soft kiss to Zac's lips. "That's not exactly what I had in mind, but we can do that after."

"After?" Zac raised an eyebrow at Taylor. He knew exactly what Taylor meant, but sometimes it was fun to play the fool.

Taylor laughed again and kissed Zac with purpose, his teeth pulling at his bottom lip as he stepped away. "C'mon. We better get inside before the wives notice we're gone."

Zac groaned but obliged, holding Taylor's hand until the very last minute that he could before they went inside.

***

After a week in Hawaii, Zac wondered if anyone would miss him if he never came home. He was enjoying himself way more than he thought he would and to his surprise, he was enjoying spending time with Kate as well. The ocean breeze was exactly what he needed to unwind and find his center. But even though Kate and Zac had agreed on a no-phones honeymoon, Taylor was still there in Zac's head every minute of every day.

Zac was enamored with island life. He loved being barefoot and feeling the sand between his toes. He found a new love of surfing (badly) and playing volleyball with strangers on the beach. Kate watched him from her beach chair, fruity drink in hand. Every now and then he'd look back at her and she'd smile and wave. It was a glimpse of what Zac's life would be like if he didn't have feelings for his brother. Still, Zac wouldn't trade his relationship with Taylor for anything.

Taylor and Natalie arranged to pick Zac and Kate up from the airport when they returned home. Although it had only been a week, Zac was actually nervous to see his brother, his stomach filled with anxious butterflies. He couldn't think of a time that they went more than one or two days without speaking to each other. 

Zac and Kate held hands as they walked over to baggage claim, where they were to meet Taylor and Natalie. The older couple were all smiles as they held up a white sheet of paper with "HANSON" written in thick black marker. Zac and Kate exchanged eye rolls and laughs as they walked up to them. 

"God you guys are lame," Zac joked and leaned in to kiss Natalie on the cheek. He gave Taylor a head-nod and a smile, trying his best to act normal even though it was taking every fiber of self control to not jump him right then and there. His blue eyes were sawing right through him, into his soul.

"Welcome back! How was the honeymoon?" Taylor asked, taking a brief pause to look Zac up and down. "Zac, you are... incredibly tan. Did you sleep on the beach or something?" Zac snorted a laugh at how ridiculous his brother could be at times. 

"Actually, Zac became quite the surfer while we were there," Kate said as she placed her hand on Zac's bicep. He noticed a glare on Taylor's face that was just subtle enough for only him to detect. "It was pretty damn sexy," she giggled.

Zac was blushing awkwardly at the entire situation. No, there was no way he could ever be sexy. Especially when falling on his ass over and over again. Kate was being too nice; he was an awful surfer. "Oh hey, there's the luggage. Tay, want to come help me?" He motioned with his head towards the baggage carousel.

"Yeah, of course. Ladies, why don't you meet us outside? We'll be there in a minute." Taylor gave Natalie a quick kiss and waited for the girls to walk outside before grabbing Zac's hand. "C'mon."

Zac blinked and his feet didn't have time to register that Taylor was pulling him away from the baggage claim area. "Wha - where are we going, the luggage is right over there..."

Taylor flung a door open and pulled Zac inside, locking it behind him. He flicked on the lights to reveal what appeared to be a private supply closet. Zac opened his mouth to speak, his brow furrowed in confusion. Did Taylor scope out the terminal beforehand? How did he know to bring him here?

Before he could question his brother's motives, Taylor's lips were on his, his tongue hungrily parting between them. "I couldn't wait a moment longer. I missed you. I want you," Taylor whispered lustfully into Zac's mouth.

His words made Zac suddenly feel weak, and he moaned quietly, loving when his older brother took a dominant role over him. "Do we have time for this? What if they come back in and look for us." 

"Trust me, they won't find us here. I'm sure they've forgotten about us already." Taylor had Zac's hips pinned against a shelving unit. He bent down and knelt before his brother, unzipping his jeans in record time.

"Jesus," Zac whispered, his hips moving forward on their own accord. "You drive me so fucking crazy, Taylor."

Taylor smirked and wrapped his hand around Zac's hard cock, pumping slowly as he took the first two inches into his mouth. Zac's hand gripped the edge of the shelf tightly, knuckles turning white, while the other hand found it's way into Taylor soft brown locks. He couldn't control the loud, animalistic growl that escaped his lips when Taylor took in his entire length. 

_Maybe I should go away more often,_ Zac thought.


	11. 2007

Zac could feel Taylor's hot breath on the back of his neck, sending chills up and down his spine. His brother's soft lips tenderly grazed the side of his neck and behind his ear, tongue flicking against his earlobe. "I need you," his voice was dripping with lust, practically sending Zac into a tizzy.

Sex had become a nightly occurrence while they were out on tour. With Kate and Natalie back in Tulsa, they seized every opportunity of alone time that they could get, wherever they could get it. Tonight they found themselves squeezed into a bathroom stall in the venue that they had performed at earlier that evening.

Zac's pants were pooled around his ankles and Taylor's around his knees, hastily undressing only as much as was required for a quickie in the bathroom. Taylor's right hand was holding onto the top of the stall above Zac's head, the other clutched to his hip as he entered him without warning. Zac cried out, not giving a damn if anyone was around to hear how much he enjoyed being fucked by his older brother. It felt too damn good and he didn't want to ever stop. 

He rocked his hips back against Taylor's, fingers clawing unsuccessfully at the slick wall. Their rhythm had become routine now that they knew each other's bodies inside and out, but it never became dull. If he were able to, Zac would spend the rest of his life doing exactly this.

Taylor wrapped a hand around Zac's cock and started jerking him off frantically. "Tell me how good it feels," he demanded. It came as no surprise to Zac that Taylor was so domineering during sex since he was such a know-it-all in real life, and Zac was all for it.

"So good, Tay. You feel so good." He wanted to say more, but he lost pieces of his vocabulary with every single thrust of Taylor inside him. "Come in me. Please, brother," he pleaded, knowing that Taylor secretly got off on the use of that forbidden word.

They came together, their bodies shaking and collapsing in tandem against the cold stall wall. Taylor rested his forehead against Zac's shoulder, his hair plastered to his face by sweat, and he was panting into his ear, "I will never get tired of making love to you."

The words caused an uneasy stir in Zac's gut. After all of these years, and every relationship he'd had, he still couldn't bring himself to think about love. Because if you love someone, you give them the chance to hurt you. He'd seen it time and time again with friends and family. What he shared with Taylor was as perfect as it could be given their current circumstances. Adding _love_ to the mix would only complicate things even further.

"Promise me you'll never stop," he whispered.

"I promise."

***

Two years into their relationship (if you asked Zac, he'd say that what they had was undefinable), Taylor and Zac got pretty damn good at sneaking around. It was easy to use the band as a crutch because their wives would never question their work ethic. _'Gotta go to the studio, babe. Inspiration strikes!'_ was probably their longest song and dance, but it worked for them every time they needed to escape. The studio was their safe haven, the home that they had inadvertently built together years ago.

But when Zac used that excuse this time it wasn't for another sexual rendezvous. He actually needed to talk to his brother, privately and in a safe space.

His hands were shaky on the steering wheel of his pickup truck as he turned into the 3CG lot. He took a deep breath and ran his hands nervously through his shaggy hair, brushing it out of his eyes. Moments like these, made of pure panic and anxiety, really enforced how grateful he was that he decided to grow his hair out again. At this length, he could hide behind it like a defense shield.

When he entered the room, Taylor was sitting at the piano. He always had the same method of song writing; he'd play a line of melody, then write something down on his yellow legal pad, and repeat. Zac couldn't help but stand there and admire his brilliant mind for just a few extra seconds. 

"Hi," he said softly as to not disturb his brother, who appeared to be in the zone.

Taylor turned around and smiled, tucking the pencil behind his ear. "Hey! Thank you for calling. It was getting a little hectic at the house, and I really needed the distraction. Ezra and Penny somehow got a hold of permanent markers and decided to use their bedroom wall as a canvas."

Is this what he had to look forward to? Zac's eyes were wide and he scrunched up his nose in distaste. 

"Well, you're welcome. And thank you for meeting me. I actually called because I... I need to talk to you about something." A blanket of curiosity, and a little concern, covered Taylor's face. It wasn't like Zac to show true vulnerability in his voice.

Still in the doorway, Zac crossed the threshold into the studio and seated himself next to Taylor on the piano bench. His fingers lightly plucked the white piano keys before pressing down into an A Minor cord. How dramatic.

"Zac, what's going on?" asked Taylor.

Zac didn't dare look up from the piano. "Kate's pregnant." 

He knew that this was supposed to be a celebratory occasion, and maybe it was to a point, but Zac couldn't ignore the profound gnawing in the pit of his stomach. He was only twenty-two years old - was he ready for this? Moreover, did he even _want_ this?

Taylor's arms found their way around Zac's shoulders, squeezing tightly. "Zac, that's incredible. Congratulations! You're going to be the best father, I just know it." He squeezed again and rocked him from side to side, trying to get a smile on his face. It worked, a little. _Leave it to Taylor to find the silver lining in every dark cloud,_ Zac thought.

"Thank you. It's just... fast, I guess. I may have freaked out a little back at home when Kate told me." Zac finally stopped poking the piano keys and looked up at Taylor. His smile was fake but it was all he could bring himself to share in that instance. He thought about how he left the house speechless, mumbling to Kate a 'gotta go' before he slammed the door behind him. He knew it wasn't one of his best moments.

Taylor, true to form, saw through all of the bullshit and went straight to the point. "Look, I know it's a scary thing. Remember how scared I was?" The memory of that painful night when Zac realized his true feelings for Taylor resurfaced, causing him to frown again. "But is that what's really bothering you?"

Sighing, Zac slithered out of his brother's arms and began pacing back and forth in the studio. Sometimes he hated that Taylor knew him so well. But did he really want to have this conversation right now, feeling as emotional as he was in that moment? He was afraid that his emotions were going to outrun the logical side of his brain and he didn't want to say something stupid.

He paused to consider the past two years and his relationship with Taylor: Their first kiss, in this very studio. The first time they slept together, and the hundreds of times after that. Despite all of their history, nothing had really changed between them. There was no talk of feelings or commitment. No talk of the future except opportunities to plan their next sexual escapade. It all made Zac feel a little queasy. He wanted more with Taylor, but that would never happen with Natalie in the picture. And from the looks of it, Taylor had zero plans to change that.

"When did you realize that your feelings for me were not always brotherly?" Zac planted himself on the arm of the couch, a safe distance away from Taylor, his eyes drifting from Taylor's form to the floor and back again.

Taylor appeared taken aback by the question. "I... I guess I don't really know, Zac. It's not a moment in time I can pinpoint. I just know that none of it - the cuddling, the kisses - ever felt wrong to me. But I told myself I wouldn't act on anything unless I thought you felt it too. I never wanted to make you feel like I had pressured you into this."

Zac took time to take in Taylor's response. It was a honest, respectable answer, but still not what he wanted from him. He wanted and needed Taylor to say more than that. 

"I knew when I was eleven that something was different between us," Zac said, his arms loosely crossed over his chest. "You came home one day and the way I looked at you just... changed. It was sudden but I just knew that you were more to me than a brother. The night you proposed to Natalie was when I realized that I wanted to be with you. Be your... boyfriend."

Taylor's cheeks were flushed at Zac's words. "You have me, Zac. I don't want you to worry about that." 

"Do I have you, Taylor?" Zac laughed bitterly, even though he knew it wasn't funny in the slightest. "What do we have, exactly? We're brothers who fuck each other behind their wives backs." He noticed the disdain in his voice but he just couldn't stop his words that were coming out like venom now. He didn't mean to say it the way he had but it was too late. The logical side of his brain had lost dominance quickly. "God, this is so fucked up."

Taylor could have easily threw daggers back at him, but he didn't. Hurt was showcased on his face but his voice was strong and unwavering. "Do you love me, Zac?" 

Zac heard Taylor's footsteps coming closer towards him, but his eyes were clamped shut and his heart had practically stopped beating. No, they had never exchanged those words romantically to each other. Zac, after all of this time, still couldn't bring himself to say it because of his innate fear of being heartbroken. He couldn't say it. He _wouldn't_ say it. Not yet.

"I... I..." Zac withdrew into his shell with cowardice. It hadn't occurred to him how hypocritical he was being; criticizing Taylor for lack of commitment when he couldn't even say the words that he knew, deep down, he wanted to share. "I'm sorry, Tay. I'm being unfair to you. I'm freaking out over being a Dad and I'm taking it all out on you. We never set any expectations for this... relationship... so I really don't have the right to assume anything."

Taylor dropped to his knees and knelt in front of Zac, pressing a kiss to each thigh. "This is hard for me too, you know," he whispered into the fabric of Zac's jeans. "But I stay strong for you. For us. Because whenever you're ready to say those words to me - if you ever are - then I will return them without hesitation."

Hearing Taylor speak those words was the sign of commitment Zac had been looking for. After two years, he finally knew where he stood, and right now he was enjoying the view.

Smiling, he bent down and cupped Taylor's face in his hands. He kissed him first on the nose, then the chin, then finally the lips. "Thank you," he whispered, kissing once more. He knew that things could have turned south quickly if Taylor had met Zac at his level of petty, and he was grateful that he didn't. Maybe this thing between them could work, after all.


	12. 2008

Taylor and his three kids played in the front yard. Zac watched from the porch, slowly rocking back and forth with baby Shepherd in his arms. If Zac had to guess, they were playing a game of tag, and Taylor was deliberately losing. Zac couldn't deny how damn cute it was to watch him being chased by three very small children.

Baby Shepherd, only four months old, stirred in Zac's arms but did not wake. Zac pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead and continued rocking him back and forth. Fatherhood was scary and exhausting, but it took only one second of his son’s life to erase all of the preconceived doubts and fears from his mind.

Taylor ran up to the steps of the house and threw himself onto the porch, panting heavily and over exaggerating his level of exhaustion. "I surrender!" he exclaimed to the kids, arms held up in defeat. "I can't take anymore. Daddy is too old for this." 

"Dude, you're not even 30 yet." Zac chuckled as the three kids piled on top of his brother, causing an 'oomf' to omit from his lips. Their lifestyle of constant touring and long hours at the studio were maybe not the most ideal situations for fatherhood, but Taylor always made up for it when he was home. Zac hoped he would someday become at least half of the father that Taylor was.

"Hey sweetie, sorry to interrupt - Do you want me to put Shep down? You've been holding him for a while and your arms have got to be falling asleep." Kate spoke softly, peering at him from a crack in the front door.

Zac looked down for a moment and thought that no, maybe that wasn't a good idea. He didn't want to do anything to wake the baby since it had taken him two hours to fall back asleep. But on second thought, he could hear his stomach grumbling and he really wanted a turkey sandwich. "Sure. Thanks, honey." He carefully handed off the swaddled babe to his wife. 

"Nat and I are going to take Ezra, Penny, and River down to the park for a while. Figured you might want to get some rest and enjoy some peace and quiet before this little one is at it again." 

It amazed Zac how supportive Kate could be, especially when there was no doubt in his mind that she was way more exhausted then he was. They both did their share of nightly feedings and diaper changes, but when Zac wasn't around, it was all Kate. It almost made him feel guilty for sneaking off to the studio just about every night of the week to spend a few hours naked and wrapped up in Taylor.

Almost.

Zac stood up and gave Kate a quick peck on the lips. "Thank you. I could definitely use the Zzz's," he said with a smile. "Tay, you staying here or heading to the park?"

Taylor was still laying on the porch with one toddler laying on top of him. If possible, he looked just as exhausted as Zac. "Staying here. Can't. Move." He tickled Penny and she squealed, finally rolling off of him.

Once Shepherd was settled in bed, Kate and Natalie loaded up the mini-van with the rest of the Hanson bunch. Zac and Taylor waved to them from the front yard as they pulled away. Without missing a beat, they both exhaled heavily the moment the car turned the corner road and was out of sight. They exchanged curious glances at each other and evidently both decided to ignore the relief they seemed to be feeling.

Parenting taught Zac to be a master in prioritizing, and right now he was prioritizing his hunger over his exhaustion. "Lunch? I've got to eat something. I don't think I've eaten in days." He was being dramatic but there was a hint of realism in his voice because he honestly couldn't remember the last meal he'd eaten.

Taylor chuckled. "Sit." He motioned to the kitchen table. "I'll make us something to eat. I don't think I'd trust you with a knife right now. You look so tired you might drop it and cut off a toe."

Zac rolled his eyes and took a seat at the table. It wasn't entirely untrue; he had fallen asleep standing up in the shower just a few days ago. Four months in and the kid still was not sleeping completely through the night. "Turkey," he mumbled to Taylor, who was holding up both turkey and ham cutlets. 

"My choice, too." Taylor smiled and turned around to start preparing the meal. He was humming loud enough for Zac to register the song in his head as _Here Comes the Sun_. It astounded Zac that with three kids and one on the way, Taylor still had so much energy. Or if he didn't, he never let it show.

Taylor shook his dusty blonde locks out of his eyes as he reached up to grab a bag of chips from the pantry. His jeans and tee-shirt were dirty from rolling around with the kids, and Zac noticed shards of green grass in his hair. He chuckled to himself and couldn't help but think how domesticated Taylor looked. All that was missing was an apron.

"Here you go." He put Zac's plate down and settled in the chair next to him. "You should take a nap after this. And if you want, I'll put in a load of laundry for you. I know that when Ezra was born, laundry was the last thing on mine and Nat's mind."

Zac reached across the table and placed his hand lovingly on Taylor's forearm. Truth be told, he'd take any help he could get. Little things like laundry and dirty dishes escaped his mind. "That's very sweet. Thank you." 

For the next half an hour as they sat there sharing a meal and mindlessly chatting about nothingness, everything seemed to move in slow motion for Zac. He couldn't take his eyes off Taylor, observing him through a new set of lenses that he'd never used before. It was as if he was looking into his future; the two of them sharing a meal, chatting about things couples chat about, in a house that was just for them. It was a future with Taylor that he didn't know if he could have but one that he desperately knew he wanted. 

His chest was tight, feeling full of something that made his stomach feel like it was floating around in his abdomen. Taylor was the definition of perfection. His pink lips curled into a smile, resting on a perfect set dimples. His hair, shiny and almost brown, dangled over his forehead and along his pale skin. Zac's breath caught in his chest when he stared at him for too long. No one should be allowed to be that earth-shatteringly beautiful. 

Suddenly, he felt it. The urge, the need to say it. Something that in his subconscious he had always known but never allowed himself to bring to the forefront. God forbid he died tomorrow and never got the chance to tell Taylor that he...

He was still talking - about what, Zac wasn't really sure, as he had tuned out about two minutes ago. His fingers trembled a little as he reached up to brush Taylor's hair away from his face and twirl a strand of it around his index finger. "Taylor. I need you to stop talking for a minute. Please."

Taylor shot Zac a look of surprise but closed his mouth mid sentence. When Zac still didn't say anything, he cleared his throat anxiously. "...what's up, Zac?"

Zac's tongue darted across his lips, nervously dampening them. His chest was so tight he thought he was about to stop breathing, his heart beating so fast that it felt like a stampede was running through his body.

"I love you. I'm so fucking in love with you, Jordan Taylor Hanson." 

Perhaps the words had come six years too late but there they were, and Zac couldn't hold them in any longer. His chest was no longer tight and now he felt only relief to just speak his feelings out into the universe. But the relief was short lived. His body was trembling now, endorphins running through his veins as he sat there feeling more exposed and vulnerable than he ever had in his entire life.

A few tears fell from Taylor's eyes in a steady stream down his face and even though he hadn't responded, Zac could see the words behind his eyes. He had only seen his brother cry a handful of times in their life and he came to the realization that he didn't like how it made his insides feel. 

"God, I hope those are happy tears," he muttered. He lifted his hand, which was still shaky, up to brush the droplets away from Taylor's cheeks. 

Taylor sniffled and laughed in spite of himself. "I'm in love with you too, Zac. Do you know how long I've been wanting to say it?" The tears continued to flow one by one as he reached for his brother and pulled him into his arms as best as he could given their sitting position. "I know that you're not big on words of affirmation, and I didn't want to scare you away. I don't ever want to do something that could hurt you."

Zac wasn't much of a crier but Taylor's words plucked at his heart strings. His fingers were interwoven in Taylor's locks as he kissed away each salty tear from his cheeks and neck. He wanted to be the only one to kiss Taylor's tears away.

"You've always been so good to me. Always thinking about what is best for me. You take care of me when I need it the most," he sniffled back his own tears. "I love you so damn much, and I always have."

Rising to his feet, Taylor pulled Zac with him and into a proper embrace. His tears had subsided but his heart was beating fast. Zac could practically feel it through the fabric of his tee-shirt. Taylor dipped his head and connected their lips in a slow, passionate kiss, arms still wrapped around him like a ribbon.

Zac pressed his body against Taylor's and inched his hands under his shirt, fingertips dancing along his spine. "I... I want you to make love to me Tay, please." He knew his choice of words were cliche, but he didn't care. His feelings for Taylor were bubbling over and he needed to share this with him. He wanted him in every sense of the word.

"Thought you'd never ask." Taylor laced their fingers together and walked towards the back of the house where Kate and Zac's room was. He made sure to lock the door behind them, just in case. 

Taylor undressed Zac slowly and with love, pressing a kiss to each shoulder and then each hip as he removed the clothing. Zac sighed and combed his fingers through Taylor's hair before undressing his brother in the exact same manner. Taylor pressed Zac backwards onto the bed and settled between his thighs, tenderly rocking his hips in a downward motion. He hoisted one leg over his shoulder, sweetly kissing the inside of Zac's foot and ankle while Zac took the time to lubricate his erection with his own saliva.

His hands grabbed at Zac's thighs, hoisting them up and high around his waist. Zac whimpered as Taylor slowly inched into him, stopping when he was buried deep inside. Their eyes connected a second before their lips.

"All yours," Zac moaned, voice dripping with a splendid combination of lust and love.

"All mine." Taylor's hips were moving in faster, deliberate thrusts into Zac's. He took Zac by the wrists and pinned them above his head against the mattress. 

Taylor sure knew how to make love outside of the box.

Zac gasped and pushed his hips up into Taylor's as he writhed beneath him. He was trying to get even closer to him, wanting to mold them into one complete person. "Fuck Tay, you don't even know the things you do to me."

Taylor's fingers laced with Zac's above his head, his hips drilling impossibly hard into him with the most force he'd ever used. He urged their lips together and kissed him deeply, his eyes never leaving Zac's. "Is that so?"

"Fuck yeah."

The endless eye contact made Zac feel so vulnerable and if possible, more aroused than he'd ever felt. He tried to pull a hand away to touch himself, but Taylor's grip was tight. He was insistent on making Zac come without it.

It wasn't much of a challenge, as Taylor had found that sweet spot inside Zac that absolutely drove him crazy. "Tay... Taylor... gonna come..." 

A satisfied smirk crossed Taylor's lips as Zac came in between them, the hardest he'd ever came in his entire life. Taylor followed shortly thereafter, filling Zac up and then collapsing half on top of him. He brought each of Zac's hands to his mouth and sweetly kissed his palms. 

"I love you, Zac."

Zac pressed kisses to every part of his brother that he could reach - shoulders, face, neck, arms - whispering 'I love you' between each one, trying to make up for lost time. He made a promise to himself then and there that he would tell Taylor he loved him every chance he got. Life was too short.

Taylor slithered down Zac's body, stopping at his hipbone, pressing a kiss there, before trailing his tongue up Zac's stomach, cleaning up every bit of his release. Zac groaned when he felt himself starting to get hard again. Before his eye lids slipped shut, he caught a glimpse of Taylor smirking at him as he wrapped his lips around Zac's erection.

"I love you," he moaned, staying true to the promise he'd made himself moments ago. "Fucking love you."


	13. 2009

It was a rare occasion that brought Taylor to Zac's house one night. Kate had taken Shepherd away for a long weekend to visit her family in Georgia and Zac had the house all to himself. Wanting to do something special for Taylor with this newfound time, he invited his lover over for date night. 

"It's about time you made it! I've been waiting for you. Should've figured you'd be on Hanson time," Zac said with a smirk and took Taylor by the hand, closing the front door behind him. An apron that read "Kiss the Cook" was tied around his waist and his hair was loose on his shoulders. 

"That apron is ridiculous." Taylor kissed Zac's forehead and then his mouth.

"I've got steaks on the grill. Hope you're hungry." He pressed a kiss to Taylor's soft lips and laced their fingers together as he lead him through the house to the back porch. The patio table was dressed for two with a LED candle flickering in the middle. And of course, two ice cold beers.

"You didn't have to go through all this trouble for me, Zac." Taylor's facial expression made it appear as though he was pleasantly surprised as he surveyed his surroundings. He took a seat at the table and placed the napkin over his lap. 

"I wanted to do something special for you." Zac pulled the napkin from Taylor's lap and tucked it into his shirt collar instead, grinning. It wasn't often that they could share moments like these - moments that made them feel like an actual couple. "Because I love you."

A chirp left Zac's mouth when Taylor tugged him down onto his lap, arms looping around his midsection as he kissed him. "I love you too."

Zac's hair covered their faces like a blanket as he leaned down to kiss Taylor once more. The kiss was slow but full with as much passion as all of their other kisses. "As much as I want to keep doing this," he murmured, "I'm gonna burn the food."

Taylor groaned and reluctantly loosened his arms around Zac so that he could slide off his lap. He was grinning, a certain smile that Zac noted he didn't often see from his brother unless he was feeling truly content.

The meal consisted of a T-Bone steak, baked potato, and a salad. Zac loved grilling and found himself doing it every night while he was home in Tulsa. Often times he'd grill for just himself, since Kate wasn't a huge meat eater.

"Zac. This is amazing. It melts in your damn mouth," he spoke through a mouth full of steak.

Zac laughed softly at his brother. "That's actually what I invited you over here for. I wanted to let you know that I'm leaving the band. Gonna be on the Food Network now." He tucked his napkin into his collar and took a swig of his beer, grinning around the tip of the bottle.

"Funny. You'd never dream of leaving me." Taylor lightly nudged Zac's foot with his own and then trailed midway up his calf.

"Never."

Taylor devoured his food, and his beer, as if he hadn't eaten a meal in days. Usually it was the other way around, but Zac had been too distracted by watching Taylor to eat more than his steak and a little bit of salad. 

"What's up with you? Does Natalie have you on food rations at home?" Zac teased and ducked down in response to Taylor balling up his napkin and throwing it directly at his head.

Taylor shook his head. "It was just that tasty. Send my compliments to the Chef."

Zac smirked and pulled his napkin from his collar to reveal his apron again. "The Chef says thanks, and you can pay him back later."

"And I will. As soon as he takes off that stupid apron." Taylor's eyes narrowed to Zac's chest and then up to his eyes.

"You love it." Zac untied the apron anyway and draped it over the back of his chair. "I've got another surprise for you."

Taylor lifted an eyebrow at Zac. "And what would that be?"

"Wait here."

It was kind of fun to tease Taylor, to make him wait and wonder what tricks Zac had up his sleeve. The surprise he had in mind wasn't over the top or even extraordinary, but he wanted to do something that he knew Taylor would appreciate. Taylor was usually the one to take lead on anything romantic and Zac was eager to return the favor.

He had drawn a warm bath with bubbles and dimmed the bathroom lights. Baths were not his thing but they were definitely Taylor's, and he would shamelessly do anything to make him happy. As far as he could see it, doing anything with Taylor would be fun.

When he returned to the patio, he instructed Taylor to close his eyes. "Wow, you're really taking this surprise thing to the next level," Taylor chuckled. Zac covered Taylor's eyes as he helped usher him through the house and Taylor was using his hands to feel around, making sure to avoid walls and table corners.

"Suspense is the best part," Zac quipped. He released his hands from Taylor's face and placed them on his hips instead. "Ta-da!"

Taylor laughed again and turned in Zac's arms. "This looks wonderful, but you hate baths."

"I'll hate them less when I have a sexy Taylor Hanson in there with me." He punctuated the sentence with a kiss. "Now get naked."

Taylor left his clothes in a pile on the floor and tested the temperature of the water with his hand. "Feels perfect. Are you sure you're not a closet bath taker?"

"Absolutely not. I'm just talented at many things, I guess." Zac tied his hair back and slipped into the tub opposite Taylor, settling between his feet. He glanced over at his brother, drinking in his perfect features. His cheeks were a little flushed from the warmth of the bath and the hair at his neckline was damp. He wished he could take a photo to capture just how beautiful he looked, but he'd have to settle on memorizing this moment instead.

Taylor took Zac's right foot and began applying pressure to his arch. _Okay, maybe this bath thing wasn't a bad idea after all._ After a few minutes, he switched to the other foot and by then Zac was so relaxed that he had slid into the tub so far that only his head was emerged from the water. 

"Rule number one of bath time is don't fall asleep, or you might drown," Taylor teased, tickling the bottom of Zac's foot to get him to sit up a little more. 

Zac giggled, hating that he was so ticklish and that he also _giggled_. When he rose from the water, Taylor was laughing at him. "What?!"

"You've got a bubble beard now. It's kind of cute." Taylor slid across the tub and settled between Zac's thighs. He used his forefinger to rake the suds off of Zac's chin and cheeks. 

Zac blushed in spite of himself and grabbed a handful of bubbles, placing them strategically on top of Taylor's head, trying his best to shape it into something that looked like a Mohawk. "Now you've got a bubble-hawk."

Taylor groaned and shook his head, sending the bubbles flying through the air. He pressed a long, soft kiss to Zac's lips before turning around again, this time settling against his chest. Zac looped his arms around Taylor, playing lazily with the bubbles that clung to his chest hair.

It was without a doubt an erotic moment, but Zac withheld the urge to take Taylor right there in the tub. He was enjoying the act of taking him in every other way possible - fingertips on his skin, nose nuzzling in his hair, breathing him in like his life depended on it.

"I started writing a new song. It's only a couple of lines."

Taylor nodded and leaned his head back on Zac's shoulder. "That's okay. Let me hear it."

_Hold my head inside your hands_  
_I need someone who understands_  
_I need someone, someone who hears_  
_For you, I've waited all these years_  
_For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come_  
_Until my day, my day is done_  
_Just say you'll come and set me free  
_ _Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me_

Zac pressed his lips to Taylor's shoulder and then the crook of his neck. "That's all I got so far."

He smiled when Taylor turned again, just enough to kiss him directly on the lips. "I love it, Zac. It's beautiful."

"You're beautiful." He tangled a soapy hand in Taylor's hair, kissing him longingly, wondering how he had survived years without Taylor's kisses. Each kiss brought him to life. Taylor was his oxygen.

Taylor pulled away long enough to stand and take Zac's hand to help him out of the tub. He replaced his lips once more as he wrapped a thick towel around Zac's shoulders, drying him off from head to toe slowly, lovingly. Zac took the towel and repeated the same action, placing a kiss to each body part as he dried it off.

Zac moaned softly when Taylor pressed him back against the sink, the cool marble in contrast to his warm skin making him shiver, and he made a mental note right then and there to make more time for baths with Taylor.

"Now it's my turn to give you a little something. To thank you for this perfect night."

Before Zac could make a dick joke, Taylor had him by the hips and spun him around, bending him over the sink. Zac's face felt hot again when he saw Taylor in the mirror, spitting into his hand to prep himself. He was sure that Taylor could feel him trembling with excitement and anticipation when he grabbed his hips to align himself.

Their eyes locked in the mirror when Taylor entered his body, and Zac thought he was going to black out from how fucking erotic it was. The mirror was providing him with the best pornography that he had ever watched. Taylor must have thought so too, as he was definitely putting on a show that Zac was sure wasn't just for his benefit.

Taylor placed his hands over Zac's and laced their fingers, steadying himself in order to rock his hips faster. His lips were pressed to Zac's ear, his voice low even though they had the house to themselves. "Look at yourself, Zac. Look at how sexy you are."

Truth be told, Zac didn't want to look at himself. He didn't view himself as any form of the word sexy. But he couldn't tear his eyes away from their reflection. Taylor's blue eyes were alight with lust, and Zac knew he was getting off on this. He reached behind to grab a fistful of Taylor's hair, in the moment not caring how much it hurt him, and he yanked him down into a kiss that was mostly teeth and not lips, but Zac didn't care. It was hot either way.

Taylor grabbed Zac's hips and held him in place as he came inside him, moaning his name over and over as the waves of pleasure washed over him. Zac whimpered at his own lack of release and immediately grabbed his dick, stroking hard to the sounds of Taylor's whimpers. He needed to come soon otherwise he was sure he'd implode.

"Let me help you with that," Taylor offered through heavy pants, before dropping to his knees between Zac and the sink. He immediately took Zac's length into his mouth, sucking with enough pressure to draw a long, deep moan from Zac's lips.

Zac's knuckles were white as his fingers curled against the smooth marble counter top, a futile attempt to hang onto something so that his knees didn't buckle beneath him. He rocked his hips forward and fucked Taylor's perfect mouth. "Shit, Tay, I'm coming!"

Taylor had to grab Zac's hips again to steady him long enough to swallow his load. No sooner did Taylor pull away from him, Zac collapsed on the bathroom floor, lying on his back, chuckling through his heavy breathing. 

"Fuck, Tay. Holy shit. I think I need another shower." Zac's eyes were blurry from the intensity of his orgasm and he had to blink a few times before he could see Taylor clearly. When his vision cleared he could see that Taylor had joined him on the floor and was grinning down at him. "I don't think I'll be able to walk for a few days."

Taylor pressed kisses up Zac's arm, shoulder and neck, crawling up his body until he was laying half on top of him. "I love you, baby."

"I love you, too."

***

_To: Taylor_  
 _From: Zac_  
 _Message: When can I get you alone? I need some of that good ol' JTH loving._

_To: Zac_  
_From: Taylor  
_ _Message: Not sure if I can get away tonight, baby. I think Nat would murder me in my sleep if I tried to leave her. Viggo won't stop crying and it's a madhouse over here._

_To: Taylor_  
_From: Zac  
_ _Message: How about tomorrow? We can meet at the studio an hour before we told Ike to meet us._

_To: Zac_  
_From: Taylor  
_ _Message: Sounds like a date. Love you, baby._

_To: Taylor_  
_From: Zac  
_ _Message: I love you too._

Zac sighed in defeat and tossed his phone onto the coffee table. He was over at Isaac's house with Kate and Shepherd for a family dinner date. In the past these dinners proved to be a fun time with beer and video games, but it was a madhouse now that there were three babies involved. Zac was frustrated with all the screaming and crying and really wanted just one hour alone with Taylor to... destress.

"You look like you need one of these," Isaac said as he took a seat next to Zac on the couch. He handed him a chilled beer bottle and clinked the neck of it against his own. "Cheers."

"THANK YOU." Zac took a deep swig of the beer and sighed happily. "Kate wants another kid and I'm like, we barely get any sleep as it is," he scoffed. The thought of having another child was not the ideal plan for Zac. Deep down, he wanted to commit to Taylor, and having more children was definitely not progress towards that goal.

"I understand. Maybe as Shep gets older you'll change your mind," Isaac said, then took a small pause. "Our wives - they're incredible, aren't they? Handling all of this while we're out on tour six months out of the year. Not sure how we got so lucky." 

The older Issac got, the more sentimental he became - but he wasn't wrong. They were all very lucky to have such understanding wives. Although Zac wasn't too sure how understanding Kate would be if she found out that he was screwing his older brother four times a week.

"You're damn right." Zac nodded. "Hang tight here, I'm going to go grab us a few more beers and check on the girls." 

The first beer always put Zac in a better mood. With two beers, he got a little loud and more crazier than his usual self, and after three he started to get a little sloppy. Two seemed like the perfect balance for a night that was already a little loud and a little crazy to begin with.

Zac grabbed the bottles from the fridge and said hello to Kate and Nikki, who were sitting on the back patio with the kids close by. He stopped to admire the kids for a moment when he heard a familiar text tone from the other room.

_To: Zac_  
_From: Taylor  
_ _Message: I don't want to wait until tomorrow. Can you meet me at the studio in half an hour?_

"Hey Zac," Isaac called out to him. "Tay sent a text. Asked you to meet him at the studio tonight? That's weird..." When Zac turned the corner and stepped into the living room he saw Isaac holding his phone in his hand, his brow furrowed in revulsion. 

_Fuck_. Why did Zac share his password with Isaac again? His mind went black and suddenly he couldn't remember.

Zac's face turned ghost white and it felt like his stomach was about to fall right out of his ass as he went through every awful scenario in his head. If Isaac read the entire text conversation, then he'd find out. He'd find out that not only were Taylor and Zac fucking, but that they were in love. There was no logical way that Zac could explain the explicit texts between them.

Isaac was stiff and staring at his lap as Zac sat down next to him again. He put both beer bottles on the coffee table knowing they'd definitely need those later. "Look, Ike -"

"I'm sorry. I went to answer the text because it was from Taylor. I didn't think I'd see..." He wasn't making eye contact with him and if possible, his face was just as ghostly white as Zac's. He tossed the phone into Zac's lap, careful not to touch him. Zac frowned.

It took all of Zac's willpower to not throw up right there in the living room. Taylor and Zac had barely defined their relationship; how was he going to define it to Isaac in a way that he could try to understand? 

"Ike, let's talk about this outside. Please. _Please_." He tried his best to act normal, not wanting to cause suspicion in the house, but his voice was wobbling. 

Isaac quietly stood up from the couch and Zac followed suit, ringing his hands restlessly and preparing for the worst conversation of his entire life. Once they were outside and a safe distance away from the house, Isaac stopped. "What in God's name did I just read, Zac? Please tell me this is all a joke."

Zac was chewing on the inside of his lip, trying to hold back the feeling that he was about to scream. "I-I wish I could, Isaac. But please, hear me out before you punch me." Isaac crossed his arms over his chest and waited for him to continue. Zac could tell his patience was wearing thin already. "Over the past seven years, something changed between Taylor and I. It started with a kiss of comfort and developed into something so much more. Taylor and I... we're in love. Real love, Ike. And yes we know how FUCKED UP it all is but its a force stronger than we are. No matter how many times we tried to separate ourselves from it, we ended up being pulled back together." 

He silenced himself before he said way too fucking much and scared Isaac away forever. It took everything he had not to back away from Isaac when he saw the expression of shock cover his face.

"Seven years? This has been going on for SEVEN years?! What about Kate and Natalie? What about your children? Even if I could put aside the idea that my two brothers were in a relationship, that doesn't change the fact that you're ruining the lives of innocent people, Zac."

He was right. Zac hated that he was right.

"The girls happened before we'd even fully realized our circumstances. And even then for a while after it was easier to go back home to Kate than to be alone and deal with this," Zac pounded his chest over his heart, trying to convey to Isaac just how badly he was hurting. "This ache that I can't get rid of, no matter how hard I try. I ache knowing that what I'm doing is so wrong but I ache so much more if I don't have him, Ike. Please try to understand..."

His heart broke a little when he saw that Isaac was sniffling away the onset of tears. "That doesn't make it right, Zac. You've let it go on for too long." His eyes dropped to his feet. "I honestly don't know if we can keep the band up like this. I don't know... I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable, knowing."

Zac wanted to reach out to Isaac but knew that would be the wrong move. The last thing he ever wanted to do was burden his brother with this information. Now nothing would be the same, ever again.

"No, please don't say that. Look, lets meet Taylor at the studio and talk this all out. I can't handle the thought of you hating me, Ike. I need my big brother to not hate me."

"I don't hate you, Zac. I just don't understand. And I'm not ready to talk to Taylor about this, either. I think you should go. I'll tell Kate that you aren't feeling well and I'll drive her home later." Isaac's eyes returned to his feet, and Zac's shoulders slumped, feeling about two inches tall. But it was a good plan - one that allowed him to quickly meet with Taylor and let him know that their secret was out.

As he ran to his car, he sent Taylor a message.

_To: Taylor_  
_From: Zac  
_ _Message: Ike knows. Meet me at the studio ASAP._

***

Zac was pacing nervously back and forth. Waiting for Taylor to arrive was the worst form of torture. How was he going to react to this news? Despite it all, Zac had faith that Taylor would be the voice of reason in this whole mess, because he always was that for the band. He was their True North.

Taylor hurled the door open and ran inside, panting as if he had ran all of the way from his house. "Zac! What's going on? Your text..."

"Isaac knows. He read through our text history while I was getting us beers in the kitchen. He... he didn't take it well. Says he's not sure he wants to be a part of the band anymore."

The expression on Taylor's face was one that Zac had never seen before, and prayed that he would never see again. In that moment, he didn't recognize the person standing in front of him.

"Our entire conversation? That's really, really bad."

Zac had finally stopped pacing and walked over to Taylor, wrapping his arms around his neck, in need of physical contact with the person he loved. "Well, it wasn't good. What are we going to do? I don't want to lose all of this." He gestured to the studio surrounding them. Zac noticed how stiff Taylor was under him and he felt a twinge of sadness when Taylor didn't return the hug. "Taylor..."

"Shit," he whispered and gently pulled Zac's arms off of him. "We are so stupid to think that we could get away with this secret. Now everything is ruined."

Zac felt empty the moment Taylor left his embrace, and it took all his effort to not crumble in front of him. "We're not stupid, and not everything is ruined. Things are messy, but Isaac didn't tell anyone else. No one else knows. We can fix this, Taylor."

Taylor shook his head in defeat. "If the band breaks up, then everyone will know. Our wives, our parents, our fans. We can't let that happen, Zac. We'll never see our children again."

"So what do you suggest we do, Tay? We can't undo what just happened, but I think with time, we can get Ike on our side. He could have easily punched me and told me to fuck off, but he didn't. He's still our brother and I know he could never disown us."

The look on Taylor's face was foreign to Zac. He looked dejected and pale, like a little boy who was deciding to run away from home. "I don't know, Zac. Maybe we should take a break and let everything cool down. I can't lose my kids, Zac. If Kate and Natalie find out, they're not going to be cool about it. They'll take our babies away in a heartbeat."

Zac stood there dumbfounded. Even though his brother made a strong argument, Zac didn't want to think of a life without Taylor as his lover. "A break as in a break-up, right? Is that what you really want?" his voice was barely above a whisper, like he was afraid to speak the idea of a break up into existence. Taylor may as well have reached into his chest, pulled out his heart and stomped on it. 

"God, Zac, please don't make me out to be the monster here. I'm trying to do the right thing for everyone involved." The decibel of his voice matched Zac's. "You understand, right?"

Zac's legs collapsed under him and he fell to his knees in front of Taylor. "Please don't do this, Taylor. Please. It's taken us so long to find our way into each other's arms. I don't want to lose you. I _can't_ lose you."

Was Taylor right? Was breaking up the best way to solve this? It could take years to mend the relationship with Isaac, if it even was mendable at this point. Music was a huge part of their life, but it wasn't their entire life. They could find another passion. As long as they had each other, Zac was certain they could make it through anything.

"I don't see any other way, Zac."

Zac's face crumbled as he broke down into a fit of ugly sobs, and he had to muffle his cries against the palms of his hands. He felt Taylor kneel in front of him and kiss his forehead, which only seemed to make him cry harder. 

"I'm so sorry, Zac. I'm supposed to be the one to protect you. I promised I'd never hurt you and here I am, doing that exact thing. And I hate myself for it." Taylor gently stroked Zac's hair. 

"Just go, Taylor. Leave," he forced himself to sound as strong as possible, using all the fight he had left in him. He could hear Taylor speaking to him but he blocked it out, not wanting to know what it was he was trying to say. It wasn't important. Nothing would ever be important again.

 _And this is why love is a burden,_ Zac thought. He opened himself up to Taylor and allowed himself to be vulnerable and in return, his heart was shattered into a million pieces that he didn't think could ever be glued back together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Zac sings in this chapter is actually [Til Kingdom Come](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqHNzlms-ok) by Coldplay.


	14. 2010

The ten months following Taylor and Zac's break up blew past Zac in what could only be described as an insignificant blur, and he only had himself to blame for it. Between the ample amounts of beer and the endless supply of joints, Zac dealt with his sudden life changes in the only way he knew how. These methods, which had once proved semi-successful in the past, had now rid Zac of any sense of passion whatsoever.

During a drunken stupor, his vision blurry and his aim erratic, he chopped all his hair off with a pair of manicure scissors, leaving him with a hair style that would only be described as a permanent state of bed head. His coping mechanisms weren't healthy, but they were all he had.

After a long night in the studio listening to Isaac and Taylor argue back and forth about the future of Hanson, Zac deftly listening but staying out of the conversation, Isaac had agreed to continue with recording their latest album, _Shout It Out_. Being in the studio with his brothers didn't prove as difficult as Zac thought it would be, and he found himself looking forward to their creative brainstorming sessions. It turned out he had a lot of feelings that he could pour into songwriting, and it helped him endure the excruciating pain of his broken heart. A little.

Over time, Isaac surprised Zac with his empathy. On days they worked at the studio Zac would stay behind, anxiously awaiting everyone to leave so that he could cry (or in his case, beat the Hell out of his drums) before heading back home and having to pretend that everything was normal and that he was fine. Isaac would accompany him on some nights, trying to comfort Zac with cliche phrases like _it's all for the best_. While Zac thought it was bullshit, he knew Isaac really believed it, and he was at least grateful to share his misery with someone who knew his secret.

The rest of the family outside of Isaac were none the wiser, and their marriages went on in blissful ignorance. Kate was pregnant with baby number two and Zac vowed that he would be the best version of himself that he could be when he was around them both. When he wasn't around them, he would allow himself to grieve, even though it didn't seem likely that he would ever stop grieving his brother.

Nights were the hardest for Zac, especially on tour. It pained him to know that his brother was only a bunk away but he couldn't reach him. They had not spent more than five minutes alone together since their break up, nor had they even addressed the incident after they smoothed things over with Isaac. There was so much more that Zac wanted to say to Taylor. He wanted to tell him that he didn't know how much longer he could keep on living without him; that a piece of his soul withered away every day that he couldn't touch his skin, or kiss his lips. But he knew those words would be wasted if he shared them now. Nothing could undo what had already happened.

"Zac, you're late."

It was 2pm and Zac was already halfway into his usual drunken fugue. Why did they have to do their own soundcheck at every damn venue? Isn't that what they had roadies for?

"I was not."

Taylor sighed and shot Isaac a miffed look from across the stage. Isaac and Taylor were known for their constant bickering so it came as no surprise to Zac that the eldest brother was staying out of their quarrel.

"Let's just try it again. You're coming in on the down beat."

Zac let out a frustrated sigh and counted them in, starting the drum beat at what he thought was in perfect time.

"Still late," Taylor slammed his hands on the white keys before he stopped playing, his body language stiff with both hands finding their spot on his bony hips. "How many beers have you had today, Zac?"

"I don't know, _Dad_. Why don't you tell me since I apparently can't fucking count?" When he looked at Taylor he noticed that he was shooting him a death glare, which he immediately returned, adding in a flick of his middle finger.

"You guys..."

"Shut up, Ike," Zac and Taylor spoke in unison into their microphones, their voices reverberating off the walls.

"I've had it with this so-called 'sound check'. Finish without me. I'll see you all tonight." Zac threw his drumsticks down against the symbols before making his way offstage, ignoring the grievances of his brothers in the distance. He stomped out of the venue and went back onto their tour bus, content on sleeping away the rest of the afternoon.

If Zac wasn't at rock bottom now, then he was afraid to see what rock bottom really was. He knew that he was fucked up, that his excessive drinking and drug use was getting in the way of his career and his relationships. He knew he had to be better, but he needed more time; he wasn't ready to let go of Taylor yet. The memories of their relationship and the fight that ended it plagued his mind every moment of the day leaving no room for anything else.

Zac kicked off his shoes and slipped out of his jeans, leaving them in a pile in the hallway in front of his bunk. When he turned around he came face to face with Taylor, who was looking at him with concerned eyes.

"The Hell, Taylor?"

"I came to check on you," he said quietly. "I was a little afraid that you were in here drinking yourself to death."

Zac rolled his eyes and pulled his bunk curtain open. "Well as you can see, I haven't done that, and I'm going to take a nap. So why don't you just leave me alone so I can do that."

He slipped into the bunk and closed the curtain behind him, effectively cutting off the conversation - or so he thought. He heard a shuffling noise and then the curtain swung open again, Taylor pushing into the bunk next to him clad only in his boxers and tee shirt. "Jesus Tay, what the Hell are you doing?" He tried to fight against Taylor but it was a futile attempt, as he was way more determined to stay in than Zac was to push him out.

"I'm going to take a nap, too," he stated as if it they were having a normal conversation. "Are you telling me to leave?"

"Yes," Zac replied weakly. Of course he didn't want Taylor to leave, but he _needed_ him to.

"Are you sure?" he pressed again, his arm slipping around Zac's waist, palm flattening under his shirt against the small of his back.

If Zac's mind hadn't been influenced by half a dozen beers, maybe he would have had a stronger resolve. He simply shook his head and then shrugged a shoulder. He studied Taylor's face, noticing the light tint of pink on his cheeks and the wrinkles around his eyes. He loved those wrinkles more than he loved the warmth of the sun beating down on his skin on a perfect Spring day.

"You can stay," he finally said. "But I'm going to turn over so there's no temptation for funny business." It had been ten long months since they were this close, let alone touching one another. It was the perfect kind of torture, Zac decided.

He rolled onto his other side and Taylor tightened his arm around his waist, his hand moving to Zac's chest and his face nuzzling the back of his head. In what seemed like an instant, Zac fell into a calm, dreamless sleep.

***

Despite the daily challenge of being crammed into a bus with Taylor for countless hours on end, wanting to touch and kiss him but not being able to, Zac reveled that the best part about being on tour was that he could release all of his emotions into his performance and let his pain flow out of him. It was cathartic in the most beautiful of ways. He found that some shows were easier to perform than others; it really just depended on the day and how he was faring mentally. This particular night was one of the difficult ones. When Zac woke up from his nap Taylor was nowhere to be found, and his bunk was cold and empty. He wanted nothing more than to drown his pain in a bottle (or three) of beer and a freshly rolled joint, but all that would have to wait until after the show. Performing was his therapy, and he allowed that to be the one thing that he would partake in with a sober mind.

Midway through the set, Zac was feeling pretty good. Banging the shit out of his drums was helping to release all of his equivocal feelings about the afternoon he'd spent napping with Taylor. When it was time for his solo set, he vacated his drum kit and moved to the piano, Taylor taking center stage behind him next to Isaac. With his back turned to Taylor, he sang his heart out, eyes slipping shut every now and again as he heard Taylor's voice matching his in harmony. It became Zac's moment of surrender, and he even felt bold enough to let a single tear fall down his cheek as the words he'd written ten months ago glided past his lips.

 _Somebody let me down_  
_Somebody show me love_  
_I wouldn't care much either way_  
_I'd rather the sticks and stones_  
_Than dragging the ball and chain  
_ _Of what if the world won't take me?_

 _Even if the hull should crack_  
_And even if the blood flows red_  
_Nothing could be worse than numb_  
_So, please, use me up_  
_I just want anyone to use me up_  
_'Cause no one ever does_  
Use me up

 _I've carried it all too long_  
_The fear of the pain it brings_  
_Feeling the panic building up_  
_I'd rather the broken heart_  
_Than live in the emptiness_  
_Of what if the world won't save me?_

_Even if the bow should break_  
_Even if the blood runs cold_  
_Nothing could be worse than numb_  
_Please, use me up_

_Treat me some way cruel_  
_You can throw me away_  
_As long as I feel it_  
_Show me something real_  
_You can deceive me_  
_I am yours to use_  
_Use me up_

***

Zac ran offstage as soon as they were done taking their bows. The rest of the set, including an encore, had been difficult for him to finish given his emotional state, and he just wanted to be somewhere where he could be alone in peace so he could drink enough beer to feel confident enough to sob into one of Taylor's tee shirts that he'd stolen from his suitcase. Noticing that Zac was struggling more than normal tonight, Isaac placed a hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze. His smile was soft and sad. 

"Here." He gave Zac a white towel so that he could wipe away the sweat - and just in case, the tears.

"Thanks," Zac mumbled and wiped off his face, then ruffled his damp hair with it. He was certain he looked like he had been electrocuted, but perhaps that look fit his mood a little more.

Tossing the towel aside, Zac headed towards their dressing room. Isaac had already left to go meet with fans but Taylor was in there, sitting down on the couch as he changed his shoes. Zac ignored him and grabbed a beer from the fridge, cracking it open with ease. No, he would not be going out to meet fans. Not tonight, after the night he'd had. 

Halfway through his beer, he was digging around in his pockets for a joint that he had rolled earlier that afternoon. "The fuck, I swear it was here," he mumbled to himself, trying to ignore the sound of Taylor texting on his iPhone.

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

Zac looked up at the doorway and felt his heart skip a beat. It was a surprise that he knew he wasn't ready for.

"Dave."

"Hey kid." It was the same toothy grin and brown doe eyes that he'd remembered, but everything else had changed. Dave's hair was short and spiky and his face was thinner, his jawline more defined. He was wearing jeans and a tee shirt that was noticeably too tight because Zac could see his abdominal muscles under the fabric, and his hearty biceps threatened to tear open the sleeves. It was clear that Dave had done a lot of growing up in the past five years - and he looked great. "Hey, Taylor. Good to see you." He waved over at him.

Lost in the moment like he'd seen a ghost from his past, Zac had forgotten that Taylor was even in the room. It was a welcomed distraction, if he were being honest. He had no clue that Dave would show up here, no clue that he'd even want to see him after how they'd parted ways, but suddenly it struck Zac that he should have invited him to the show as a peace offering. _You're really a selfish asshole sometimes, Zac,_ he told himself.

"Hi, Dave. Were you at the show tonight?" asked Taylor, shifting uncomfortably on the couch as he shoved his phone into his back pocket.

"Sure was. You guys were great. Loving the new stuff!" Dave looked back at Zac, who was staring at him with his mouth slightly ajar, still in shock to see him there. "I was hoping you had some time to catch up."

Zac pulled himself together long enough to respond, dampening his lips with his tongue as he contemplated Dave's proposition. "Actually... yeah! We're here for another two days. We have back-to-back shows in Toronto. I'd love to catch up."

"Well isn't it my lucky day?" Dave was smirking at Zac and then at Taylor, who was shooting Dave a look that was sure to kill.

"I should leave you both to it." Taylor stood up and wiped his hands on his jeans, his eyes making contact with Zac's as he brushed past Dave in the doorway. "I'll see you tomorrow, Zac." The awkwardness was palpable and Zac wondered if Dave felt it, too.

"Gimme a second to change and I'll be ready to go." 

"Take your time."

The sudden need to impress Dave was real. He looked great, but Zac? Twenty pounds heavier, a shitty haircut, and one broken heart later, he was embarrassed for Dave to see him this way. He didn't even want to look at himself.

Zac reapplied deodorant, changed into a grey button-down shirt and attempted to fix his hair. "Ready as I'll ever be. Is there a bar around here? I need a drink."

Dave was grinning. "I know just the place."

***

It was wonderful being able to catch up with Dave. After their split, Zac felt awful that they never kept in touch, even though if they had he wouldn't know what to say to make things better, to make things less awkward than he'd dreamt them up in his head. He'd still kept tabs on him, though, watching every episode of Dave's stint on Canadian Idol. "You were amazing," Zac gloated. "I was... am... so proud of you."

"Thank you. I didn't do as well as I wanted to, but it was a great experience," Dave smiled and shook his head, and Zac recalled how much he had always loved Dave's smile. "And what about you, Mr. Hanson? Kate made an honest man out of you and now you have a family."

The mention of Kate and Shepherd always threw Zac for a loop, the questions making him dizzy. As the years went on, it became harder and harder to play the part of the optimistic Husband and Father. "Yes. Shepherd is two and we have one on the way. She's due in December."

"Wow, that's incredible! I think we need some celebratory shots." He lifted his hand to get the attention of the bartender and mouthed the words 'two whiskeys'.

"Yeah, I guess it is..." Zac took the shot immediately before Dave could toast the special occasion. He noticed that Dave was observing him curiously, no doubt seeing the pain in his eyes.

"So, Zac. That solo tonight. Pretty intense, wasn't it? It's got to be hard to play such an emotionally draining song every night."

Zac returned Dave's look of curiosity. As a musician, he of all people knew how certain songs were harder to perform than others. After five years apart, Dave could still see through him like he was a piece of Saran Wrap. "It is. That song is a part of my soul, literally."

"Want to talk about it?"

Zac shook his head but found himself telling Dave everything anyway. He didn't know if it was the liquor or the fact that an old friend was back in his life, but he found that he wanted to share everything with him. The truth spilled out of him like a fountain, overflowing through his lips.

He told him about his literal love affair with Taylor and that it all ended when Isaac found out. He told him that yes, Dave and Taylor overlapped for a brief period of time. "I know that no amount of _I'm sorry's_ could ever change what I did to you. I'm a prick, Dave. I know that. I don't know how I let myself get into this mess. If you want to run from me, I understand, and I sure as Hell wouldn't blame you."

Even though Dave was only a year and a half older than Zac, his level of maturity and understanding far surpassed what Zac had to offer. He listened to Zac's soliloquy, nodding along without the slightest expression of disgust on his face. "Sounds like you went through a lot and no one was there for you," he finally replied. "While I'm not too happy to hear that a lot of this went on behind my back, I can't be mad at you. It was five years ago and I'd like to imagine we've both grown up since then."

Zac blinked in disbelief, sniffling away his emotions. "So-So you don't think I'm disgusting? Or a bad human because I'm still married through all of this?"

Dave shook his head. "I don't have to agree with your choices, Zac, but I know in here..." he placed his hand over Zac's heart, "...that you are a good person, and you must be struggling if you're doing all of this alone. Love is love, and heartbreak is heartbreak. It sucks no matter which way you slice it."

After a pause to collect his feelings, which felt like they were in disarray all over the floor of the bar, Zac took Dave's hand in both of his, running his thumb over his knuckles. "Thank you for always knowing the right things to say," he told him. "Can we promise each other this time, that we'll keep in touch?"

Dave smiled and tapped on the bar with his free hand, ordering two more shots. "I promise. Now, you wanna tell me why you cut off all of that gorgeous hair? You look like Ellen Degeneres."

Zac tossed his head back and laughed genuinely for the first time in ten months, and he swore that he could feel a piece of his broken heart heal back into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Lets take a trip down memory lane ;)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkTeSw014hk)


	15. 2011

As Autumn transformed into Winter and 2010 turned into 2011, Zac slowly began to feel like himself again. The change was gradual if not painstakingly so; but by the time Spring 2011 had rolled around, he was able to coexist in the same room as his brother without feeling like a shattered version of himself. Gone were the nights of secretly crying himself to sleep because he missed the way Taylor's arms felt wrapped around him, his soft lips finding their home against the back of his shoulder. As each day ended and a new one began, Zac could feel his soul healing, and eventually he no longer required an absurd amount of alcohol to drown his pain in. He had detoxed himself of every virulent habit he'd built over the past twenty five years; in essence, he had become a new man.

His successful recovery was partly due to his renewed friendship with Dave. Everything was different with him this time around; without the complications of sex, their friendship was as close to perfect as Zac had ever experienced. He finally had someone in his life who knew his deepest, darkest secrets and yet cared for him unconditionally despite how fucked up his mind was. Perhaps, Zac realized, what he had needed all of this time in order to move on, was a compassionate friend.

Much like they had done years before, Dave and Zac took turns flying to each other’s location whenever they had gaps in performances on tour. Getting away from the hustle and bustle of touring across the country was a pleasant change of pace. On off days, instead of wasting hours in a hotel room pondering his boring existence, Zac got to spend a handful of hours playing video games with Dave or visiting his yoga studio ( _the things I do in the name of friendship,_ he huffed at Dave afterwards). Dave even took Zac to his first drag show, which Zac would later dramatically recount as one of the most awkward yet fun nights he'd ever had.

Taylor was usually cordial with Dave when he was around, not that he had a reason not to be, but Zac could see by his facial expressions that he wasn't all too thrilled with the amount of time they spent together. Zac was just happy that they could coexist in the same room together, sometimes even watching a movie or sharing a couple of beers in the green room after a show. He was waiting for the day that Taylor would say something pissy to him about Dave, or catch a glance of Dave shooting Taylor a disgusted, knowing look, but thankfully that day never came. 

Their latest tour was coming to an end and Zac was actually looking forward to it this time. Traveling, especially as much as he'd been doing over the past six months, was starting to take an exhaustive toll on him. Dave had planned on coming back to Tulsa with Zac, as he had a few songs that he wanted to record and Zac, without giving one thought to what his brothers would say, offered the services of 3CG. After little to no persuasion, he'd gotten Isaac on board, but he had a feeling Taylor wouldn't be as easy to convince. 

Zac meandered towards the back of the bus where he knew Taylor was hiding in the lounge. He saw his brother curled up on the couch with some B-rated scifi book and was almost reluctant to disturb him as took a seat opposite him on the couch. Taylor hadn't acknowledged Zac until he cleared his throat, and even then he only closed his book halfway. 

"Hey, Tay. Question for you."

"Yeah?" his eyebrow arched and his lips curled into a tiny smirk. Zac wondered if Taylor was aware that he suffered from persistent bitch face.

 _It's like a band aid, just rip it off,_ Zac told himself inwardly, mentally kicking himself for being nervous to talk to his own damn brother. "Do you think it’s a big deal if Dave and I record something at the studio when we get home?"

Taylor’s forehead wrinkled and his facial expression was as if he’d been offended by Zac’s question. "You’re writing songs... together?" 

No. It wasn’t offense - it was jealousy. It had been a while since Zac heard jealousy in Taylor’s voice. Zac swallowed his feelings the minute he felt himself caring about Taylor's envy because he refused to let himself get sucked back in to the vortex that was Jordan Taylor Hanson.

"Kind of? There’s an idea that Dave has, and he wants me to contribute. You don’t mind, do you?" He wasn’t sure why he was offering Taylor details when it was really none of his business. After a year and a half apart, why did he still care what Taylor thought?

Taylor's eyes fell to his lap as he picked at nonexistent fuzz on his jeans. It took him what seemed like two years to answer, as if he was purposefully trying to make Zac sweat. "Not at all. I’ll even help you produce if you want," he offered with sincerity in his voice. "When are you planning on this?"

Taylor's offer admittedly surprised him, not that he ever envisioned his brother as a resentful person, but still. It was a large, positive step towards progress in their relationship. "We were talking about doing it this week when we get back," he replied. "And we’d love your help. Thanks, Tay." 

Silence lingered between them like they were the only two people on Earth at that moment. When Taylor returned to his book Zac smiled and shook his head a little, feeling content enough to stay in the lounge with Taylor and the comfort of silence. 

He reached for his phone to send Dave a _we're good to go for next week_ text, and when he lifted his eyes again he saw Taylor's crystal blue eyes observing him. The sudden stare was enough to make his heart have a diminutive jump in his chest.

"What?!"

Taylor closed his book again, this time putting it on the coffee table in front of him. "You’ve been different, you know, since Dave’s been back in your life," he said. "I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m glad he came to our Toronto show last year. He’s made you happy, like the Zac you used to be."

Zac nodded slowly as he took in each and every bit of Taylor's rhetoric like they were his dying words. They didn't talk about their feelings, about how things were between them before. It always seemed safer that way. But Taylor opened the gate, and Zac felt comfortable enough to wander into the open. "I am a lot happier than I was. I won't lie; there were days when I thought I was going to drive my truck off a bridge, but he helped me see past that. He made me realize that I was... am... more than my heartache."

Once those words were out of his mouth, he felt his chest tighten. Despite being brothers, lovers, and business partners, Zac realized the biggest thing that they lacked was good communication. Perhaps his broken heart could have been avoided if they had actually talked about their relationship rather than living in the fantasy world that they built for themselves. 

Taylor frowned and Zac was positive that he saw the beginning of tears forming in his eyes. He lifted his hand to reach for Zac's knee but he quickly changed positions on the couch and tucked his legs underneath himself. Distance was the only thing that would save him from the physical need to pull Taylor into his arms and hug him until there were no tears left.

"Zac, I'm so sorry. I knew it was bad, but I didn't realize it was _that_ bad. I'm sure that makes me sound like an idiot, but please, forgive me?" 

"It's fine. I'm fine now," he said softly, shrugging both of his shoulders. "Dave's a good guy and the least judgmental person I've ever met. For obvious reasons."

Taylor's face twisted into a display of confusion and for a brief moment Zac had flashbacks of the night that they broke up, when Isaac found out about their torrid affair. He felt his stomach flip but he willed himself to be strong, a feat which took him eighteen months post-break up to accomplish. 

"Y-you told him about us?" he stuttered nervously. 

Zac nodded confidently and he watched as Taylor squirmed nervously in his seat as he absorbed the new information. "Yep, he knows. And he accepted me... _us_... with open arms. No questions, no disgust." He nudged Taylor's foot with his own, urging him to look at him, which he finally did after a few moments. "You know, I wish you’d be a little nicer to him when he comes around."

"I’ll work on it."

***

It came as no surprise to Zac that it only took him and Dave an hour to complete their song. Their chemistry, both musically and otherwise, was undeniable. Dave was a brilliant song writer, Zac soon found out, and their methods of writing meshed so well together that it seemed like they'd been writing together for a years. They had decided early on in the writing process that were only going to record with piano and synthesizer, but even then, Zac thought they had made a very special song.

"You were right, man," Zac chuckled, as giddy as a young child on Christmas morning. "You had the idea for something and it was fuckin’ GREAT. You should be in L.A. writing songs for all those damn artists out there who can't write worth a damn. No lie. You would make bank."

Dave shook his head and Zac admired the way his thick bicep muscles flexed as he scratched the back of his neck. Things like that made it difficult for him to spend so much platonic time with someone he found so damn attractive.

"Thanks for helping me and letting me be a bit exposed. I love writing, but I do it for me. I don't think I could do it for anyone else." Zac threw a balled-up piece of scrap paper at his head, and he winked in return. "What! It’s true. I'm selfish that way."

"Whatever you say," Zac retorted. "Wanna do a dry run through before Taylor gets here?"

No sooner had Zac said the words did Taylor show up and sit on the other side of the glass at the control panel. "Hey guys - are you all set? Let me know what you need," he said through the microphone.

Zac was already seated in front of the piano, and he waited for Dave to get behind Taylor’s synthesizer. He smirked to himself as he watched Dave adjust the microphone down a few inches to match his height.

"Um, I think we're ready," Dave said to Taylor. "I think we should play it once through and do a rough cut. I think this song will work best when the emotions are raw." Zac nodded; he couldn’t disagree with that. Sometimes it was better to be less prepared than to be over practiced.

Taylor counted them in and the song started off with Zac at the piano, his fingers expertly working the keys as if he'd played this song a thousand times before. Dave took the first verse and the first round of the chorus. His voice was just soft enough to match the tone of the piano lines Zac had written. Zac couldn't deny that he was a little distracted by Dave, watching his eyes slowly slip closed as he sang.

 _Please wait while I slowly untie my tongue tonight_  
_I pray by some feeble attempt my words will tell you what my heart has to say_  
_'Cause you've always been right beside me for so many days_  
_How could I be without you now?_

 _'Cause I am changed by you_  
_The more I get to know you_  
_The more I want you close to me_  
_And I'll take care of you_  
_Please just say you'll let me_  
_Forever be whatever you need_

The corner of Zac's lips turned into a smile. He absolutely loved hearing Dave sing, and in his humble opinion he didn't get the credit he deserved. Zac took the second verse, so he had to turn his glance towards his laptop where his line of lyrics were highlighted in red.

 _And so if you're supposed to get what you deserve in life_  
_Then you came just in the nick of time_  
_God's grace has overtaken me_  
_My love, needless to say, I am blessed by you_  
_'Cause you are the one, you are the one that I've been waiting for_  
_I've been waiting for_

Dave’s voice joined Zac’s in the chorus, harmonizing with him as he slowly incorporated the synthesizer. His eyes finally opened, settling on Zac, who was looking right back at him. There was something different in his eyes, Zac noted, but he couldn't place the emotions he saw there. It wasn't lust nor was it passion, it was something more intense than that. The depth of the song only added to the feelings that were brewing inside Zac’s chest as he sang the bridge.

 _You melt my fears away_  
_And reach inside me with your eyes_  
_And light a burning fire_  
_And I cannot stop staring_

When they finished the last note of the song, Zac's gaze was still locked on Dave's, his eyes questioning him silently. He'd pretty much forgotten that Taylor was on the other side of the glass when he jumped up and moved hurriedly over to Dave, throwing caution to the wind as he knocked over the piano bench in sudden haste. Instantly his hands were on Dave’s shoulders, then around the back of his neck, all a millisecond before he pulled Dave's lips against his own. He was overcome with feelings of gratitude and appreciation for everything Dave had done for him. And of course the song didn’t hurt.

Dave returned the kiss without hesitation, his hands cupping Zac’s round face, thumbs brushing over the stubble on his jawline. The kiss was slow and deep, their tongues tentatively exploring each other's mouths like it was the first time.

"Did we just write a magical love song?" Zac joked, pulling away only an inch, the tips of their noses still touching. "Because I feel completely hypnotized now."

"I bet it sounded great. What do you think, Taylor?" He shook his head, inadvertently brushing their noses together.

_Oops._

Zac stiffened in Dave's arms and turned his head to look at his brother on the other side of the glass, who appeared to be shooting him a supportive smile. It was like deja vu all over again, except this time Zac felt at peace.

"That was a good cut, guys. No need to record a second, I think. I’m going to head out and give you two some... time." Zac nodded to him in acknowledgement, a hint of a sad smile on his face as the other man walked through the door and out of the studio. Zac had finally let Taylor go.

Returning his attention back to Dave, he smiled and reached a hand around his hips, playfully pinching his left ass cheek. "Sorry about the kiss. We were doing so good being platonic."

Dave’s hands found their way into Zac’s back pockets. "Don't you dare apologize. If it wasn't obvious, you were the inspiration for the song. I’ve always loved you, Zac Hanson. And I don’t need you to say it back. I just need you to be happy."

This was a new side of Dave that Zac had never seen before. Even when they were dating years ago, he had always envisioned Dave as the playboy type, never one to waste time on falling in love. Zac couldn't return those words, at least not now, but he knew Dave would understand. He always understood.

As he looked at Dave, admiring his big brown eyes and the dimples in his cheeks, Zac decided that risking their friendship was worth it if it meant they had a chance at happiness. "I didn’t think I was going to survive my breakup with Taylor because my feelings were swallowing me whole," he admitted. "But you found me like you always have, right when I needed you the most. Goddammit, David Moffatt, you make me so damn happy."

Reminiscent of their first date, Dave took Zac in his arms and dipped him backwards before planting a romantic Hollywood kiss to his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Zac and Dave sing in this chapter is actually [Changed By You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcDQARu6mb0) by Between The Trees.


	16. 2012

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, this chapter is basically 4,000 words of smut.

Hanson spent most of 2012 at home writing their latest album _Anthem_. This meant that when Dave was in town visiting, he and Zac spent the majority of their time inconspicuously hanging out in seedy Tulsa hotel rooms. Sure, Kate and the kids knew who Dave was - Shepherd and Junia lovingly referred to him as 'Uncle Dave' - but Zac made it a habit to not tell Kate _every_ time Dave was in town. The last thing he wanted to do was raise suspicion as to why Uncle Dave was in town to see Daddy every month.

"C'mon, we only have an hour before they get home," Zac warned breathlessly, his lips connected to Dave's as he spoke. Dave had him pinned against the inside of the front door of his house, hands roaming all over his body and under his clothes. "Bedroom. Now," he demanded, giving Dave's cock a squeeze through his jeans to emphasize his desperation.

"Look who thinks he's the boss," Dave laughed and picked Zac up from the floor, far too easily slinging him over his shoulder. He slapped Zac's ass cheek as he carried him down the hallway towards his bedroom, Zac's laughter filling the air around them. Dave tossed Zac onto the bed and flung his shirt over his head before crawling on top of him, his lips attaching to Zac's neck.

Zac was practically quivering with need as his fingertips caressed each ridge of Dave's six pack. "Jesus Christ, I love your body," Zac whispered, his hips thrusting up on their own accord, begging for more friction. He was infatuated with Dave's muscular form and wanted to touch every inch of it with his hands and tongue.

They wasted no time undressing each other, tossing each article of clothing across the room, a proud smirk crossing Dave's face when he managed to fling Zac's boxers onto a ceiling fan blade. "Turn over. All fours," he demanded, his voice thick and raspy with lust. 

Zac was blushing, still nervous even after hundreds of sexcapades with Dave. Dave had a way of making each time feel like the first time - it was always exciting and new.

He was trembling in anticipation, expecting to feel Dave's cock filling him up. Instead he felt something a little more warm and wet. "Fuck!" He cried out, and cranked his head to peer over his shoulder at Dave. He couldn't see much of his face but he did make out a wink as Dave repeatedly flicked his tongue against Zac's entrance. 

Before this moment, Zac would have told anyone that he was decently experienced in the sex department. But this was uncharted territory for him - euphoric, lascivious territory - and he was enjoying every erotic moment. His eyes rolled back in his head with gratification, an instinctual moan leaving his mouth. His back arched into Dave's touch, his hands all over Zac's back and ass cheeks.

"You like that?" Dave teased, biting Zac's ass check with enough force to leave light indents of his teeth.

"Fuck, yes." Zac was practically incoherent when Dave went back in for round two, and he felt like he was going to spontaneously combust in an instant. He pushed his hips back towards him, hoping he'd get the hint. "I can't take it anymore. I need you to fuck me _now_."

Zac let out a rather less-than-manly scream when Dave slapped his ass hard, leaving no doubt that there would be a mark on his ass cheek later. "I need to know how bad you want it," challenged Dave, although his cock was already lined up at Zac's entrance. "Or else you don't get it."

"Need it. So fucking much that it hurts. Please?"

Satisfied enough with Zac's plea, Dave pushed fully into him in one thrust, the sudden warmth around him making him moan. Zac didn't wait for Dave's next move as he began to rock his hips back and forth, the sounds of the creaking mattress beneath them matching the tempo of their moans. Dave was smirking at this and held onto Zac's hip, helping guide him along. 

"Such a perfect, tight ass. Who does this ass belong to?"

"You," Zac moaned pathetically, barely recognizing himself in that moment.

"Hm, I didn't quite hear you," Dave whispered as he leaned over Zac with his hands on the headboard above his head, pushing his hips violently forward. 

Zac cried out happily as the pain turned into pleasure almost instantly. Being dominated by Dave was one of the hottest things he'd ever experienced, and he felt himself already teetering on the edge. "You, Dave! It's all yours. Take it." 

Zac could feel Dave's teeth sink into his shoulder, muffling his moans. His knees were wobbly at the sheer force of Dave's body on top of his.

"Turn over." Zac whimpered at the sudden emptiness as Dave pulled out and sat back on his knees. "I want to try something. But you've got to trust me. Do you trust me?"

He rolled over onto his back and hooked his legs around Dave, pulling him back on top of him, craving the weight of his body. Dave was an incredible lover, full of surprises; switching positions mid-fuck was foreign to Zac and he quickly discovered that he enjoyed it. 

Dave's inquiry made Zac shake with anticipation, and he nodded. "I trust you."

"If it becomes too much, let me know. Tap my hand, and I'll stop."

The nervousness was paramount over everything else Zac was feeling, but his curiosity got the best of him. "Okay."

Dave resumed his position between Zac's legs and entered him once more, his hips picking up exactly where they left off. He yanked at Zac's hair, pulling his head back to expose his neck, which he decorated with kisses.

Soft lips were soon replaced with the strength of Dave's hand. His palm pressed firmly against Zac's throat and his fingers curled around the sides of his neck, and Zac was suddenly aware of his rapid pulse beating against Dave's fingertips. A strangled gasp escaped his lips, more out of awe rather than lack of breath. He let his eyes slip shut, allowing himself enjoy the feeling of being taken by his lover. 

Zac's fingernails dug into Dave's shoulder blades, silently urging him to continue. He could feel his grip tighten, only making him feel more turned on. Dave flicked his tongue over Zac's lips before sucking the bottom lip between his teeth. 

"Come with me, babe."

Dave's words sent a shiver throughout Zac's body and he obliged, lazily jerking off between them. Being deprived of the normal amount of oxygen for this amount of time was making Zac feel hazy, but it amplified the speed and intensity of his orgasm. Dave came a few thrusts later and collapsed on top of Zac, pressing sloppy kisses to his sweaty hairline at his temple. He rolled off and pulled Zac to face him, their bodies sticky and sweaty. 

There was nothing like an intense orgasm to make Zac lose all speech functions. Words were lost on him and he struggled to tell Dave exactly how much he'd actually enjoyed what they just did. "That was... surprisingly... good. Wow," he panted. "I've never done that before. I think I really liked it," he chuckled through gasps for air.

"It was really hot. Glad you didn't kick me out of bed when I tried that." Dave playfully slapped Zac's ass once more, making him chuckle again. "Love you."

Zac smiled and placed a kiss to Dave's chin, then let his head nuzzle the skin of his neck. He hadn't returned those words, nor had he planned to. Despite his level of trust and admiration for Dave, Zac had been burned by that rhetoric before and he wasn't intending on letting it happen again. Dave seemed to not really mind though, because it had been months since he first said it and he was still saying it without the affection being reciprocated. He was by far the most supportive and understanding person Zac had ever met, and he felt deep down that he didn't deserve the kindness that Dave showed him.

The clock read a quarter after six and Zac knew they were cutting it dangerously close laying there naked, messy, and tangled up in one another. "We better get up before everyone gets back. C'mon." He was grinning at Dave, who was moaning and groaning as Zac pulled him out of the bed by his arm. Sometimes Dave was too cute for his own good.

They cleaned up and got dressed in the nick of time. As the front door clicked open, they sneaked into the kitchen and Dave took a seat at the table while Zac grabbed them a few beers. Shepherd and Junia came running in just seconds later, squealing as loud as ever as they ran through the house and into the kitchen, attaching themselves to Zac's legs. 

"Whoa! Look who's here!" He picked Junia up first, giving her a kiss, then repeated the act with Shepherd. "Go say hi to Uncle Dave."

The kids ran over to Dave and climbed up on his lap, each taking a knee. Zac couldn't help but admire how adorable Dave looked with kids, and he felt himself swooning at the sight.

"Hi honey." Kate followed in the room shortly thereafter with a bag of groceries in her arm. She gave Zac a peck on the lips and said hello to Dave. "Taylor, Nat and the kids are on their way for dinner. They should be right behind me, actually. I ran into Natalie at the market and invited them over. Hope that's alright, hon."

The last thing Zac really wanted to do was hang out with his wife, his gay lover, and his ex and his wife. The only thing that sounded like a worse experience than having dinner with that motley crew would be... nope, Zac couldn't think of anything inferior at the moment. 

"That's fine. Why don't you take the kids to the play room and I'll start with dinner?"

"Great idea." She gave Zac another kiss before moving to gather up the two toddlers, who were still on Dave's lap. 

Junia was absolutely refusing to let go of Dave. Her arms wound around his neck and she started to whine. "I'll go with you," said Dave as he stood to his feet. "Looks like Junebug and I are a package deal now." He shot Zac a smirk.

Zac unloaded the groceries and preheated the oven. He could hear commotion in the other room, which probably meant Taylor and the gang had arrived. He was hopeful that they would all stay in the other room, leaving Zac to hide in the kitchen in peace.

A gentle hand touched the small of his back, too low to be Natalie or Kate and too high to be Dave (who usually had his hand on Zac's ass). He jumped a little in his skin and turned to see Taylor standing there with a bottle of wine in his hands. 

"Hi. Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you."

"Didn't work, but thanks." He took the bottle of wine from Taylor and put it in the fridge to chill. "Everyone out in the living room?"

"Yeah. Saw Dave and Junia. She seems to really be... attached to him."

Zac chuckled. "She is. The kids sure love their Uncle Dave."

Taylor was leaning against the kitchen counter, one leg crossed over the other and his arms crossed over his chest. "Uncle Dave, huh? How are you going to explain that to them when they're older?"

Zac blinked, confused and wondering what Taylor was getting at. "Huh? Explain what?"

"That their Uncle Dave is really their Dad's boyfriend."

He wasn't really sure what Taylor was implying or what he wanted him to say in response. "Haven't thought that far," he said honestly. "It's not that serious between us."

"That's bull," Taylor shot Zac a knowing smirk, shaking his head. "Your sex hair would suggest otherwise."

Zac was fully blushing now and he turned his attention back towards the food, popping the casserole in the oven. In his haste to get dressed earlier, he hadn't even glanced at his hair. "We had a fun afternoon," he shrugged, not really sure why he was sharing all of a sudden. He combed his fingers through his hair and brushed it off his shoulders in an attempt to make it look a little more neat.

Taylor uncrossed his arms and leaned his palms back on the counter, his eyebrow hooked as his curiosity peaked. Over the past few months, Taylor had been supportive of the relationship - in his own way - but they never dared to venture into personal details about their relationships. "Oh yeah?" 

"Yeah." Zac popped open the bottle of beer and took a gulp, his eyes never leaving his brother. Taylor was staring at him, his blue eyes glossy. The stare was full of hunger and it made Zac's stomach feel bubbly with uneasiness. "Why all the questions? You looking for details there, Pervy?" He chuckled, trying to lighten the mood and trying even harder to ignore the fact that he could see a definite bulge in Taylor's ultra tight jeans.

"Maybe, maybe not." He slid down the counter till he was pressed against Zac's side, tilting his head down to examine him with intrusiveness. His eyebrows knitted in the middle of his forehead.

Zac jumped a little at the look on his brother's face in close proximity to his own. "What is it, Tay? What's wrong?"

"Your neck," Taylor muttered, and brushed Zac's thick hair off his shoulder. His cheeks were starting to get red, a tell-tale sign that his blood was boiling. "You have _bruises_ all over your neck. What did that bastard do to you? I'll kill him if he hurt you!" Taylor darted for the door but Zac's reflexes were ninja-like as he grabbed him swiftly by the elbow. 

"Stop! Calm down. He didn't hurt me," he reassured him. "At least not in the way you are thinking. We did a little of..." he whispered the word, "breath play."

Taylor shot Zac a disbelieving look, his body stiff as he replayed Zac's words in his head. "And you enjoyed that." 

It wasn't worded as a question so Zac didn't respond, but he did let a whimper escape his lips as Taylor stroked his bruised Adam's Apple with the pad of his thumb. It was almost as if he wanted to see what it would be like to wrap his hand around Zac's neck, too.

"Who's better in bed?" Taylor blurted out, his lack of shame not shocking Zac in the least. He had always been just right of egotistical, needing constant validation.

Zac rolled his eyes in an attempt to push away any thoughts of being in bed with Taylor. Deciding to ignore the question, he instead grabbed a few items from the fridge, muttering to himself that a salad would pair well with the casserole. Still, in his peripheral vision, he could see Taylor staring at him with hunger in his eyes. Zac felt his blood pumping just a little faster and his face turning a little hot. After all this time, he still found Taylor's features irresistible. 

"Tell me." Taylor's voice was heavy with demand and Zac wondered why he tried to fight it. His dominance would always win him over.

"You're both good. But different," Zac finally responded.

"How so?"

Zac sighed and turned his attention to a tomato that he was planning on chopping up for the salad, thinking that he'd be able to ignore Taylor better if he didn't look at him. "I don't know. Just different. Everything feels different with him, okay?" He didn't have the heart to tell him that Dave was more rough and dirty with him than Taylor ever was. 

"But I made you feel good. Didn't I?" Taylor had stepped behind Zac, his warm breath tickling the back of his neck and his body so close that he could feel Taylor's erection pressed up against the curve of his ass. For a brief moment Zac felt his knees go weak, feeling like he might collapse right then and there. He didn't want to think about all of _those_ times with Taylor, especially in the middle of the goddamned kitchen. His body had a different plan though, as his dick was incredibly hard inside his jeans and he leaned back against Taylor not-so subtly. What they were doing was dangerous - not only did they run the risk of getting caught, Zac also knew that his feelings were at stake. It had taken him a long time to get over Taylor, to finally rid himself of any inappropriate thoughts about him. Giving in to whatever game he was playing would be detrimental to all the progress he'd made towards getting over him.

"Yes."

Taylor brushed Zac's hair off to his left shoulder and placed his lips against a yellow bruise on his exposed neck. Not a kiss, just touching him, breathing him in. The closeness made Zac shiver. "Know what I always think about? That really amazing night in Jamaica," he whispered.

Zac whimpered out loud in spite of himself. Oh yes, he remembered that day all too well. It started with sex on a private beach, and then in the hot tub, and ended with sex on their hotel balcony. "I remember getting sand in places that one should never get sand," he mumbled, desperately trying to lighten the mood, but knowing it wouldn't work. The memory alone was enough to turn him on.

He felt Taylor smirking against the back of his head, his hands migrating to his hips. "Funny, I only remember you stripping me naked and riding me like one very sexy cowboy. I think that was the deepest I'd ever been inside you."

Zac's blood flooded towards his cheeks and he had to put the knife down on the chopping board before he cut his finger off. The memory of him grinding on top of Taylor was almost too much for his brain to take. "You need to stop it. Right now. Or we're going to have a sticky situation on our hands." He motioned down to his painfully aching erection. 

"But it's so fun to take a trip down memory lane." Taylor had pulled away just slightly to place his palm flat under Zac's shirt over his stomach, making him suck in a lungful of air. "No one can make you feel as good as I can, Zac." His voice was just a hair above a whisper, lips crawling along the bruised area of his neck. Although he should have been worrying about what his wife would think of the blemishes, he couldn't get his mind to go there. All he could think about was the warmth of Taylor's body pressed against his own.

"What are you trying to do to me?" he whispered, sounding every bit of pathetic that he felt.

Zac wanted to hate Taylor for this, and for all the other things that he had done to him over the years. But, as Zac had realized there in the middle of the kitchen, he was just as guilty as his brother. He couldn't hate Taylor because he always gave him permission to do this shit because he _wanted it_. Zac leaned into him, resting the back of his head on his shoulder, hands flat against the kitchen counter. He was so overcome with lust that he almost didn't care if anyone walked in on them right now. 

Taylor's hand inched lower and firmly gripped Zac's bulge over the fabric, shh-ing Zac when he moaned. "Feel good?"

"God yeah." Zac thrust his hips forward, desperate to get any kind of contact from Taylor. 

"Want me to stop?"

"No."

Taylor's hand continued to stroke him through his jeans, Zac rocking into the touch, his mind swirling with the fantasy of Taylor bending him over the kitchen table and fucking him while everyone else was in the next room.

"C'mon." 

Taylor withdrew from Zac long enough to swing open the door to the walk-in pantry, pulling at Zac's belt loops until they were both locked inside. He wasted no time in crushing their lips together and pining Zac against the shelf with his hips. Zac's brain was screaming at him to _stop this_ , reasoning with him that their wives and children were on the other side of the wall, but when Taylor sunk to his knees in front of him and took Zac's dick into his mouth, he lost all common sense.

It had been years since he felt Taylor wrapped around him, and the taste of him that lingered on his lips was the perfect combination of pleasant and painful. He looked down at Taylor and met his blue eyes, falling into a trance as he bobbed his head up and down, reminding him of what he'd been missing out on all of these years.

Zac covered his mouth to muffle his moans as he came hard into Taylor's mouth. He watched, frozen, as Taylor redressed him and got back to his feet before pressing a soft kiss to his lips. "I couldn't stop myself. I had to have you," he whispered, going in again for another kiss.

"God, I hate you," Zac groaned, gently pushing on his chest to get some distance between them. He hated him the way he hated chocolate cake; it made him fat but it tasted _so damn good._ "You're a jealous bastard."

He stepped out of the pantry and was relieved to see that no one else was around. He returned to his beer, chugging the rest of it down in an effort to forget what had just happened. As amazing as it was, it was wrong. He'd cheated on Dave _again_ and he could never forgive himself for this.

Taylor was looking at him, any trace of lust unrecoverable and replaced with something else. "Zac, I miss y-"

Dave walked in at that moment, making Taylor and Zac scatter like ants across the kitchen. "Came to get my beer," he said. "Smells good in here." He reached behind Zac to grab his open beer from the counter, pinching Zac's ass cheek as he did so. "What's cookin' good lookin'?" 

"I thought I was the only one who could say stupid shit like that?" Zac smiled at Dave and gave Taylor a look that seemed to say _leave please_. But he didn't.

"Actually, I came in here to say goodbye. This place is a madhouse and I feel like I've overstayed my welcome," said Dave, but Zac knew he was lying. "I'll see you tomorrow around two, right?"

Something was up, Zac thought. It wasn't like Dave to leave in the middle of anything. This hadn't been their plan. He had a feeling that Dave knew he walked in on something, and he suddenly felt sick. "Are you sure? It's our last night together, I don't want you to-"

"Don't worry, babe. Enjoy your night with the fam." He fixed a firm but slow kiss on his lips. "Love you."

Zac faked a smile as he was chewing on the inside of his bottom lip awkwardly. Here he was again, caught in the vicious cycle of Dave Moffatt and Taylor Hanson, repeating history because he could never learn from his fucking mistakes.

He waved in a silent goodbye to Dave as he left the kitchen. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Taylor eyeing him skeptically. "What?!"

"Didn't know you guys were in love..."

"We're not. I'm not." Zac shook his hair out of his eyes. "I told myself I'd never let myself fall in love again, after you." 

"Well damn, now I feel like a jackass. This thing between you _is_ serious." Taylor was frowning down at Zac, and he took a few steps closer to him. "You deserve love, Zac. If you love him, don't hold back."

Zac honestly didn't know whether he should be sad or pissed off; it turned out he was a little of both. "You know, you really have some nerve. Why do you always do this to me? You come to me when I'm just starting to get my bearings on happiness and you confuse the Hell out of me. You did it with Kate, and now you've done it with Dave. Twice." He was trying to keep his voice down to a level that no one in the other room could hear, even though he was getting a little more peeved as the seconds went on. "I loved you and you broke my heart. It almost killed me, Taylor. I can't go through that again."

Taylor took a few hesitant steps towards his brother, reaching for both of his hands. "Okay, I can see how it seems like I'm trying to sabotage your happiness, but I swear I'm not. I know I hurt you and I hate myself every single minute of every day for it," he spoke softly, his voice trembling. "But I never stopped loving you, Zac. I did it because I was trying to think of what was best for our children and our careers. I couldn't have lived with myself if you resented me for losing all of those things. And believe me, you would have resented me."

"I can't have this conversation with you," Zac whispered, eyes downcast to the ceramic tile under their feet. It felt like his heart was breaking all over again and he had to do something to stop it, quickly. "This conversation is two years too late now. I'm with Dave, and I'm happy. Let me be happy, Tay."

He felt Taylor's eyes on him for what seemed like an eternity, and when he finally got the courage to look up again, he noticed Taylor was gone. 

Despite all of his efforts, it was physically impossible to hate his brother; there was only love for Taylor in his DNA.


	17. 2013

A ray of moonlight split through the middle of the thick beige curtains, painting Dave's face with a wondrous silver color. He was asleep, snoring gently, with Zac's broad body pressed against his side, his fingertips drawing small, concentric circles on his well-defined bicep.

Insomnia had become Zac's knew hobby, or so it seemed. Whenever his head hit the pillow his mind swirled with everything that he forced himself to ignore during the day. Kate was unexpectedly pregnant with number three and Dave was leaving the next day to head back to Canada. His fantasy life would be on a temporary pause until the summer when they went on tour to promote their newest album, _Anthem_. But until then, he vowed to soak Dave up like a sponge, spending the past forty eight hours in their hotel room, only leaving the bed to brush their teeth or answer the door for room service. They hadn't even dressed in more than their boxers and briefs because they couldn't keep their hands off each other long enough to warrant getting fully dressed. Zac felt like a teenager again with the amount of sex he and Dave shared in the past few days. It was like they were trying to make up for lost time, or something _else_.

As he watched Dave sleep, admiring the way his lips had somehow curved into a tiny smile, Zac wondered why he couldn't love him. Lord knows that he wanted to. He could have a life with him - a real life that consisted of holding hands together in public, getting married, adopting more children - a life without secrets, where they didn't have to hide in crummy hotel rooms or small bunks in tour buses. All of that could be theirs if Zac wasn't a coward, but he didn't have the guts. To not love Dave after all they'd been through the past fourteen years - losing his virginity to him, traveling the world together, cheating not once but twice, and being forgiven each time - Zac knew that something had to be fundamentally wrong with him. It was as if something was broken inside his brain, dooming him to a life where he only shared half of himself with the people he cared about. There was a wall guarding his heart, and only one person had ever been strong enough to break it down.

Even though it had been months, Zac couldn't stop feeling guilty about what happened been him and Taylor in the kitchen last Fall, and how his actions had once again threatened to ruin any semblance of a relationship that he shared with Dave. Perhaps Dave was just as fucked up as he was, Zac thought, because he forgave him immediately and never brought it up again. Zac wondered if it was because Dave loved him so much that he could put aside the fact that he may have moments of weakness from time to time. Is that what unconditional love is supposed to be like? It didn't seem quite fair.

Dave stirred under Zac's arm and one eye peered up at him. "Hi," he croaked.

"Hi."

Dave rolled to his side and combed both of his hands through Zac's shaggy hair. He pressed his lips to Zac's forehead, both eyelids, nose, and then his mouth. Despite how rough Dave could be with Zac, he had his soft moments too. He was essentially the perfect lover, Zac realized.

Zac moved closer and settled into Dave's arms, always finding his place in the crook of his neck. "I really hate that you're leaving tomorrow," he finally said.

"I know." Dave's voice was still coated with sleep. "But on the other hand, I'm kind of excited. I've been writing more songs lately and I have an appointment at a studio back home when I return."

Other than the song they had written and recorded at 3CG Records a few years back, Zac hadn't heard any of Dave's new stuff. Actually, he didn't even know that he had continued to write and had enough material that he wanted to record. He frowned for a fleeting moment when he realized that they spent the majority of their time using their mouths to do other things than talk to each other.

"Dave - that's amazing! I can't wait to hear it. But you know you could have asked to use our studio again, right?"

He shook his head and pressed his lips to Zac's shoulder. "Perhaps I could have, but this is a better option for me."

Zac decided to change the subject, knowing exactly what Dave was hinting at. Sure, like he'd want to ask a favor from Taylor after all that's happened - Zac was certain he probably hated his guts by now. "Man, I wish I could be there with you, cheering you on."

The moonlight was highlighting Dave's toothy smile. "Me too."

"Can you sing something for me now? You know, give me a sneak peak?" Zac had always loved Dave's voice and he wanted a front row seat to his new music.

"Sure." Dave chuckled and wiggled back just slightly, creating a few inches between them so that they could look at each other. His face was thoughtful as he decided on which song he felt like sharing at that moment. Zac was smiling wide almost to the point where it was painful; he was so excited. Even the raspy sound of tired vocal chords didn't make Dave's voice sound any less incredible.

_When I get back we'll take a trip somewhere_  
_Sail the ocean, cross the mountains, baby I don't care_  
_I know I'll be missing you_  
_It won't be long, I'll be home soon_  
_To run my fingers through your hair_

_But this road leads me further from you_  
_What am I supposed to do_  
_Will I make it through?_

_All I want is time_  
_I don't wanna say goodbye_  
_But I'll be gone before sunrise_  
_So in the light of the night_  
_I'm just gonna hold you tight_  
_I'll be yours until sunrise_

_Oh plant your lips_  
_Give me one last kiss before my planes takes me away_  
_Looking forward to coming home to you soon_

_All I want is time_  
_I don't wanna say goodbye_  
_But I'll be gone before sunrise_  
_So in the light of the night_  
_I'm just gonna hold you tight_  
_I am yours until sunrise_

Zac felt his blood pump faster as Dave continued to sing line by line and his eyes threatened to get glossy with tears, but he quickly blinked those away. The lyrics were beautiful and so obviously about their relationship that it made Zac's heart feel tight in his chest. He couldn't find the language that would acutely describe what he thought of Dave's song, but he did know how he felt, and in that moment it was a stitch of guilt. 

"Dave, that was..." he paused to try to gather his thoughts and think of any adjectives that seemed appropriate. "...really, really powerful. Hearing that made me feel happy and sad at the same exact time." 

"Well, it would have sounded a lot better if someone wasn't making me sing it at three o'clock in the morning." Dave teased, and his forefinger plucked at the waistband of Zac's boxers.

"It's just - it's so different than the song we wrote together, you know? I mean, I know that was years ago and a lot has happened since then, but still," he was rambling, his guilt for everything he'd done and couldn't do for Dave was controlling his speech functions.

"Relax, baby." Dave was trying to pull Zac into his chest again, reassuring him with a smile. "Just think of me as an onion. You peel back a layer and then there's another, and another, and another."

Zac rolled his eyes but allowed himself to be pulled closer, till he was settling back into the nook of Dave's neck. Dave was peppering kisses across his hairline and Zac was breathing him in. How was it possible that Dave's natural scent smelt that amazing? How was it possible that he knew exactly what to say every. single. time?

They laid there for a while in blissful quiet, the only sound in the room was the dull reverberation of the air conditioning unit. But the guilt that was gnawing away at Zac from the inside out felt so much louder than that. He still couldn't let go of the painful memories of the past even though he wanted to more than anything. It felt like those memories would never truly let him move on.

Zac jolted against Dave when he heard his phone vibrate loudly from the nightstand, forcing him out of his daze. He didn't need to look at the message to know who it was from. It was from Taylor, whose communication had not relented since the kitchen incident. If it wasn't texts it was emails, if it wasn't emails it was phone calls. Taylor had even tried to corner Zac alone a few times to 'talk about it'. But what was there to talk about? Nothing, as far as Zac was concerned. It had happened, it was a mistake, and he's moved on. 

It was easy to avoid Taylor when Dave was in town, but Zac was a little concerned to see how it would all play out while they were on tour and Dave was back in Canada. He decided not to let worries of the future bother him now; he needed to enjoy their final night together and make it last. Zac's fingertips traveled over each mountain of ab muscle on Dave's stomach till he reached the waistband of his briefs. Dave's eyelids fluttered open tiredly. "Mm?"

"I want you," Zac gently palmed at the suddenly growing bulge between Dave's legs, "to fuck me. Think you're up for it?" He knew Dave would never deny him, and even if he wanted to, the erection in his briefs said otherwise.

Dave connected their lips in a slow kiss, tongues dancing together sloppily in each other's mouths. Zac stripped Dave's hips of the fabric that separated him from his hand, which curled around Dave's member. "I think I'm going to be severely dehydrated after this weekend," Dave teased. 

Zac chuckled against their joined lips and shrugged a shoulder, his hand jerking roughly at Dave's cock. "I _know_ you're not complaining, Mr. Moffatt."

"I wouldn't dream of it," he replied before pushing at Zac's hip to roll him over to his other side. He pressed a trail of kisses down the back of his neck and shoulder as Zac pulled his boxers down and kicked them off with his feet. Zac pulled his knee a little closer to his chest, allowing Dave access to prep him with not one or two, but three fingers. Before Zac could beg out loud for more, Dave's fingers withdrew and his hips pushed upward, sliding the entirety of his length into him. 

They made love tenderly but with more need than Zac had ever felt. It was almost as if Dave knew...

***

Zac awoke in haste, his heart beating through his chest, his eyes dry and sore. There was a loud banging noise coming from the outside of their hotel door and his first instinct was that someone was trying to break in.

"What the Hell?" Dave was suddenly awake too, startled by the sounds coming from outside. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, watching as Zac slid out of bed. Sunlight seethed through the crack in the curtains now, replacing the tranquil moonlight that they had shared only a few hours previously.

Zac, who was still naked from their four am sex binge, slipped on a pair of sweatpants before flinging the door open. He was fuming, his blood boiling in his veins. The only person that knew they stayed at this particular hotel was the last person he wanted to deal with right now. "Dude what the fuck-"

Taylor was standing outside the door with his hands on either side of the door frame, his icy blue eyes filled with something other than serenity. "What the Hell, Zac? I know you're in your own world with lover boy over there," he nodded towards Dave who was sitting on the edge of the bed with the comforter draped over his lap, "but I've been trying to call you for the past six hours to tell you that Kate is in the hospital." 

"What?" Zac's voice was meek, and he suddenly felt small and weightless, like all of his blood had been drained out of his body. "Is she alright? Is the baby alright?" 

"She was feeling cramping and there was some blood," Taylor responded, finally pulling his hands from the door frame. "She's up at the hospital and has been asking for you. Hurry and put on some clothes and I'll drive you there."

Zac felt like a zombie, so unlike himself, and it was as if the entire world around him was moving in slow motion. He let go of the door, inadvertently closing it in Taylor's face. His heart sank into his stomach as he turned to look at Dave, who was frowning at him. "Dave, I..."

"It's okay, I heard. You need to go." Dave immediately kicked into savoir mode, jumping up from the bed and grabbing all of Zac's items off the floor, packing up his duffel bag. He tossed Zac a clean shirt and watched as he slipped it over his broad shoulders. "I hope everything's okay with Kate and the baby."

Zac frowned and reached for Dave's arm, hoping to calm his suddenly frantic state. Dave dropped the duffel bag at their feet and slipped his arms around Zac's waist, pulling him tight against his chest. "I'm sorry that I can't take you to the airport," he whispered. "Will you text me when you land at home?"

Dave nodded and pressed a long kiss to Zac's lips. "Yes, of course I will. Now _go_."

Zac grabbed his bag and slipped into his flip flops before making his way to the door. He turned to look at Dave one last time and couldn't ignore his feeling of despair at the pained look on Dave's face.

***

Taylor and Zac exchanged zero words on the drive to the hospital, even though he had so many questions. Did Kate know where he was? Did she know he was with Dave? What exactly did Taylor tell her?

The car barely pulled to a complete stop before Zac was out the door and running into the hospital, heading directly for Kate's room. Taylor trailed behind him and stopped to hang out by the doorway. Panting and out of breath from a combination of the run and his nerves, Zac took a seat in the chair next to her bed. 

"Kate, honey..." All things considered, Kate was smiling at his presence. Her skin was pale and her eyes were tired, but she seemed in good spirits. "Are you alright? What about little nugget?" His hand was as light as a feather on Kate's stomach, afraid to touch her and questioning if he even had a right to. "I'm so sorry I just got here."

"We're both fine now. The doctor says I'll need to be on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy just as a precaution, but we're fine." Kate smiled sadly at Zac, noting how anxious he looked. "Don't feel bad, honey. Taylor told me that you were working late at the studio last night and fell asleep there. It's okay. Just make sure you bring a phone charger next time, okay?"

Zac glanced over his shoulder at Taylor and their eyes met briefly before Taylor turned his attention back to the ground. "Oh... right," he sighed heavily, "I'm sorry." He placed a soft kiss to the wedding ring on Kate's right hand, feeling as low as he had possibly ever felt in his entire life. Just when he thought things couldn't get more fucked up, they did.

Kate's voice was soft and positive, the complete opposite of Zac's. "Nat and Nikki are going to help me with the kids so that you all don't have to cancel your tour. But I'll need you to help me move some of our stuff into Natalie's spare room." He nodded in response.

After a few minutes of holding Kate's hand and rubbing her belly, Zac thought he might be sick if he had to stay in that hospital room for one more moment. He wanted to make things right as best as he could, and he was going to start by ensuring that Kate, Shepherd, and Junia had everything they needed at Aunt Natalie's house. 

"Now that I know that you and little nugget are okay, I'm going to head home and take a shower and start boxing some stuff up for you. Is that alright?" 

"Thank you, Zac. That would be very helpful," she said. "Your mom has the kids and she's going to pick me up when I get discharged and bring us home."

"Got it." Zac bent down to kiss Kate's forehead and he stood up from the chair. "I'll see you a little later, okay? And I promise I'll have my phone charged if you call me."

Zac left the room in a hurry and his shoulder brushed against Taylor's, who was still standing in the doorway watching them. He was content with the idea of walking home when Taylor ran up behind him, grabbing his elbow with a gentle hand.

"What? Look Tay, I'm not in the mood for the third degree." 

Taylor said nothing but pulled Zac into a tight embrace, making it clear that he wasn't there to scold him for his mistakes. Zac melted into his brother, hands grabbing the collar of his leather jacket. It felt nice to be held by him, by someone who understood the internal conflict that was swirling inside him.

"Let me help you," Taylor offered. "I'll drive you home and I'll help you pack."

***

Later that afternoon, Taylor and Zac were loading boxes into Zac's pickup for transport when Zac received a text from Dave. There were no words but only an audio attachment. Zac hummed curiously as he took a seat on the front porch steps.

"What's that?" Taylor asked, settling in next to him, their long legs touching.

"Guess Dave is home. He just texted me," he replied before hitting play. It was a rough audio recording of Dave singing a song that left Zac no uncertainty that it was written for him. The emotion behind Dave's voice made his body tense up and his eyes start to water. Things had finally become too complicated, finally causing Dave to reach his breaking point. 

_I never thought I'd get tangled in your web, but I did_  
_I need a little more room for breathing, to get my heart to stop grieving_  
_Now it's so hard to say, so hard to say goodbye_  
_It's all over 'cause of you_  
_Even though I try to give my all_  
_It's never good enough for you_  
_So I'll take what's left of my heart_  
_Make a brand new start_  
_But still, its so hard to say, so hard to say goodbye_

A force stronger than guilt took control of Zac's soul, shaking him violently as if to say 'what have you done?'. Taylor's arms wrapped around Zac's trembling body, pulling him close to his chest, silently giving him the comfort that he needed.

 _You've really fucked this up big time,_ Zac inwardly scolded himself before burying his face in his hands. 

Dave knew. He always knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave sings two songs in this chapter: [Sunrise](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKOkZr5DZ4g) and [Goodbye](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NxJXGfMZ-o)


	18. 2014

It was a chilly Spring night and the Hanson family house was full of organized chaos with the _entire_ family there for dinner that evening. Kids dangerously outnumbered adults now, Zac pointed out, and it sure felt like they were running the place. Ezra, Penny, and even River were old enough to start helping their Grandmother in the kitchen and little Junia had so much maturity for a four year old that she took it upon herself to tell everyone where they were going to sit at the dinner table. 

"She gets that assertiveness from her Uncle Tay," Taylor indicated playfully, making Zac roll his eyes and shake his head at the ridiculous thought. 

"God help us if she turns out to be a know-it-all like you, Tay," Zac teased back, nudging Taylor in the side with his elbow. He excused himself from dessert, deciding what he needed was a little more... herbal. He stepped out into the backyard and walked towards the edge of the property line where their old tree house and wooden swing were situated in an old oak tree. It was a brisk and windy night, clear skies making every star visible from their location. It was one of those nights made perfect for stargazing on a thick blanket, Zac thought. For now though, he'd have to settle for the rickety old swing.

He took a seat and used his feet to push off from the ground. The wind made it difficult to light his joint but he was successful after his third attempt, and he could easily feel himself unwind and his mind clear as he inhaled the first lungful. Family gatherings of this magnitude always put Zac a little on edge, but he supposed that's what a person deserves when they've been living a lie for years.

The night marked eight months since Dave got on the plane to Canada. They texted each other from time to time, always platonic and friendly, but Zac was doubtful they would ever see each other again. He regretted how everything went down between them, but he couldn't fault Dave for wanting to split. Their relationship had been full of complications, none of which were fair to him. What it all boiled down to in the end was the crucial fact that Zac didn't deserve Dave's love. He was a dick to him, plain and simple.

The separation made Zac realize that it was time to stop being selfish and focus on what he had in front of him, and that was his wife and children. He vowed to stop sleeping around and focus all of his efforts on making his family stronger. This proved just as difficult as he'd imagined, but he was making it work as best as he could. With no more sneaking around, he had ample time at home to reconnect with his children. He read to them every night as he tucked them into bed. He was there for dance recitals, little league games, and diaper changes. He was there to fix dinner for Kate, pour her a glass of wine and massage her feet. He danced with her impromptu in the middle of the kitchen, humming her favorite tunes. He slipped in the shower behind her and made love to her under the hot stream of water. He did everything he thought a good husband should do.

But still, he felt empty.

An anchor was tethered to his heart, tying him to Tulsa for the rest of eternity. And while he could easily say that Kate was the reason for his resistance, he knew that wasn't true. It was Taylor. 

After so many years, and even more life changes - relationships, births of children, new business ventures - it all came down to Taylor. As much as he hated to admit it, Zac lit up at the sight of Taylor, his skin covering in goosebumps at just the slightest glance from him. No matter how hard he tried to ignore the feelings, they'd always pop back up to remind him.

Exhaling a thick cloud of smoke, Zac rested the back of his head on the edge of the swing as he rocked back and forth. His mind was a whirlpool of thoughts, all spinning together with no clear direction. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Isaac approach, his eyebrows knitted in the middle of his head and the creases in his forehead more profound than normal. If Zac had to place the look, it was one of concern.

"Mind if I take a seat?" 

Zac nodded and moved over, slowing down the swing so that his brother could sit. He offered him the joint but was turned down, naturally.

"You doing okay out here?"

Zac simply nodded and took another hit. "Living the dream," he responded, kicking his heels to get them swinging once again.

Isaac's hands were folded neatly in his lap and he nodded slowly. "I know that you and Tay think I play the fool all the time, but I'm not as oblivious as you think I am," he said, causing Zac to turn his head to look at him. "I've noticed that you've been struggling ever since Dave left. But you're doing the right thing, Zac, you know?"

It hadn't even occurred to Zac that Isaac had known about his affair with Dave, not that it mattered. He'd gotten so sloppy at sneaking around towards the end of their relationship that Taylor was having to cover his tracks for him. "You're right. I am doing the right thing," he nodded, agreeing. "But I feel so hallow, Ike. Like a shell of my former self. Nothing _really_ makes me happy anymore." It was a sad reality, but it was true, and it didn't even pain Zac to admit it. It was what it was.

The wrinkles in Isaac's forehead were more defined when he frowned. "I'm sorry, Zac."

Isaac would never know what it was like to be in the closet and yearn for something that you really shouldn't yearn for especially when you have a family at home. "It's alright. Not your fault." Zac pushed his feet off the ground to start the swinging motion again.

"When you and Tay were... together... that was the happiest I have ever seen you."

Zac turned his head to look at the eldest brother with bewilderment. The admission was said without the least bit of disdain, and that definitely shocked him. "It was the happiest I have ever felt in my entire existence," he smiled, feeling relief to admit that out loud. He'd spent so many years just pushing his feelings for Taylor down into the deepest, darkest corners of his soul that it was nice to breathe them to life where they could be free.

"Did I hear my name?"

Both Isaac and Zac turned around to peer behind them, where they saw Taylor's figure steadily approaching them. Zac thanked God for the darkness of the night, as it was the perfect scapegoat for his blushing cheeks. 

"I think that's my cue to go," Isaac muttered, giving Zac a squeeze on the knee as he switched places with Taylor, letting him take over the spot next to Zac on the swing. 

Once Isaac was out of earshot, Taylor leaned into Zac. "Mind sharing?" he gestured to the joint. Deja vu swept over Zac, and he was suddenly reminded of Taylor's wedding day where they shared a joint in this very yard.

"Sure." He handed Taylor the joint and watched him take a long puff, almost finishing it off completely. "Hey! Don't be a joint hog. Gimme," he smacked Taylor on the arm when he held the joint out of reach from Zac. Eventually Taylor relented and handed it back to him, which he polished off in one last puff.

"You doing okay?" Taylor asked quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. "We haven't really talked since you and Dave broke up."

Zac nodded and rubbed his hands on his jean clad thighs. "Yeah, I'm okay," he said. "I didn't deserve him. He was way too good for me."

"That's not true. It just wasn't meant to be," he said, frowning. Taylor reached for Zac's right hand with his own, letting the pad of his thumb drift over his knuckles. His other hand slid around Zac's shoulders, pulling him into his side as he kicked them into a swinging motion once more. "The stars are beautiful tonight, don't you think?"

Allowing himself to be pulled into his brother, Zac dropped his head to Taylor's shoulder and closed his eyes for a moment, taking him in. Taylor's natural scent made Zac sigh happily, and for the first time in a long time he felt electricity in his veins. When he felt Taylor's lips ghost the hairline at his forehead, he was almost positive he felt the electricity jump start his heart. "They really are."

As they sat there swinging back and forth, pointing out names of the constellations that they could spot in the sky, Zac imagined that this is what their life together could have been. He envisioned them living in a modest sized house on a lot of land with no neighbors in the nearby vicinity, only trees and stars. They could spend their nights stargazing in a swing just like this or cuddling in front of the fire pit he'd build for them. When he felt Taylor nuzzle his nose in his hair and breathe him in, he knew he had to be thinking the same exact thing.

"Taylor, honey, we've got to get going," Natalie's voice came from behind them, sounding far enough away that maybe she didn't see anything between them that could be misconstrued. When Taylor pulled away and their eyes met, Zac could have sworn that he saw sadness behind them.

"I'll be right there, Nat," he called out to her as he got to his feet, his hand still holding Zac's. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?"

Zac smiled sadly and nodded, holding onto Taylor's hand until he was out of reach. And just like that, his dream was gone.

***

The brothers played twenty back-to-back shows in North America before they finally had a multi-day stop that included reservations at a nearby hotel. With Taylor and Isaac alone in their corresponding rooms for the the remainder of the night, Zac was going to take the opportunity to slip out and head to the nearest local bar. After a quick Google search, Zac had found a highly rated gay bar only two blocks from his hotel, and while he was planning to visit for just a drink or two, he wouldn't have minded if he also found someone to take home tonight. It had been a full year since he'd been touched by another man and three months since he and Kate shared a bed, so needless to say he was going out of his mind with raging hormones.

Zac showered and dressed in a pair of dark wash jeans, a grey v-neck shirt and a pair of Converse. His lips curled into a microscopic frown as he fiddled with the wedding ring around his neck. _It's closer to my heart this way_ he'd told Kate, but the truth was he just couldn't bear to wear it on his finger. When Zac stepped out of his hotel room, he was met with a familiar pair of aquamarine eyes.

The older brother was wearing black jeans and a white shirt with the top three buttons undone, his array of necklaces dangling in a light patch of chest hair. "Hey, I was stopping by to see if you wanted to grab a bite... why are you dressed like that?"

Zac looked down at himself self-consciously. "Am I really dressed any differently than normal?" he asked, although he knew the answer was yes.

"First of all, your shirt is way tighter than usual and..." Taylor paused to lean into Zac, breathing him in, "...are you wearing cologne?"

"Is it strange for me to smell nice?" Zac was being defensive but Taylor was right, he never wore cologne or anything remotely related to it. It was all part of his 'not-plan' to snag a guy at the bar and bring him back to the hotel room.

"Where are you going?"

Zac sighed in defeat. "If you must know, I found a bar a few blocks from here and I was going to check it out." He didn't want to tell Taylor that it was a gay bar and that he was going with the sole intention of hooking up with someone. The frantic need to be touched by another man had been consuming Zac for the better half of a year and he wanted, needed to give in. He'd all but forgotten the promise he'd made to himself to be a doting father and husband - how was he supposed to suppress urges that felt natural to him?

"Mind if I tag along?"

Zac sighed again and started walking past his brother. "If you must. But I'm looking for a wing man here, not a chaperone."

Taylor jogged to catch up to Zac and followed him out of the hotel. After walking a few blocks and showing their IDs at the door, Taylor and Zac took a seat at the bar and ordered two beers. The place was louder than Zac was hoping for; it really left no option for having a real conversation with someone. But perhaps that was the point of it all, he thought.

Zac's eyes canvased the small venue. Everyone seemed to be paired up with someone else except for a handful of men on the dance floor, and a few more at the end of the bar. This hadn't been what he was expecting, and suddenly he was having second thoughts.

"Zac, why are we at a gay bar?" Taylor's voice was loud and trying to rise above the music.

"Why not?" He shrugged, yelling back to him. Behind Taylor, Zac could see a younger, attractive man staring at him from the other side of the bar. Their eyes locked and Zac felt his blood starting to rush south of his navel. This was the one.

Taylor waved his hand in front of Zac, who was looking directly past him. "Earth to Zac. Did you come here just to hook up with some random dude?"

All of Zac's efforts to ignore Taylor proved futile. "Jesus Taylor, yes I did. Now would you shut up and just be my wing man? That cute guy at the end of the bar is checking me out. Should I go talk to him?"

Taylor was anything but subtle when he looked over his shoulder at the man Zac was referring to. "I... guess. He's kind of cute." Zac then realized that he'd never heard Taylor compliment another man's appearance before, except his own. He shook his head to push those thoughts away and focus on the task at hand. The stranger at the end of the bar locked eyes with Zac again, and pointed towards the exit. Zac was chewing on his lip nervously, and he nodded at him.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Tay," he said as he stood, tossing enough cash down on the bar to cover both of their drinks. "Next round is on me. Have a good night."

After a quiet and awkward Uber ride back to the hotel they took the elevator to the third floor, all the while staring each other down with hunger in their eyes. When they finally approached the room, the stranger's fingers were in Zac's belt loops and his lips on his neck as he fumbled for the hotel key to unlock and open the door. He managed to kick his shoes off before the man pushed him into the room and back onto the soft mattress. "You're really hot, you know," he muttered against Zac's collarbone, his breath hot and damp, smelling like Jameson. 

Zac wasn't wanting words of endearment so he just mumbled an _uhhuh_ and sat up to pull his shirt off. He wasn't really in the mood to talk; he could think of much better things that they could both do with their mouths.

"You're married?" The stranger was fingering Zac's necklace distractedly. He silently cursed himself for not removing the piece of jewelry before beginning this whole escapade.

"Yes. You cool with that?"

The man shrugged and kissed him again, his hands working at the button and zipper on Zac's jeans. A moan omitted Zac's lips when he felt the stranger's hand slip into his boxers and wrap around his cock, which felt harder than ever. It felt almost heavenly to have another man touch him, kiss him - even if he didn't know his name. Zac was trying to reciprocate, his hands fumbling anxiously at the man's jeans when a pounding noise came from outside of the door.

"Zac! Zac, it's Taylor, open up!"

Zac closed his eyes as if that would suddenly make Taylor disappear. He'd always had the worst timing, but maybe if he ignored him he'd go away. "It's nothing, keep going..." He told the guy, who was kneeling between Zac's legs and yanking his jeans down his hips. The man's lips were on the waistband of Zac's boxers, so close to their desired destination.

"ZACHARY WALKER HANSON! OPEN THIS GOD FORSAKEN DOOR."

"Uh, sounds like you need to get that," the stranger said as he sat back on his knees.

"For fuck's sake," Zac muttered under his breath. He swung the door open angrily, clad only in his boxers with a very obvious erection pressing against them. "What do you want, Taylor? What could possibly be so important that a text wouldn't suffice?"

Taylor paused to look Zac up and down before he pushed the door open further so that he could squeeze past him into the room. "Get out," he said to the stranger, who exchanged looks of confusion with Zac.

"Taylor-"

"Get out," he said again, his voice more stern this time, his hand motioning to the door. The man gathered his shirt and shoes and ran out of the hotel room, mumbling something about _fucking married men_.

Zac jolted as the door slammed shut behind them. He was so angry that he was seeing red - who did Taylor think he was? "What the actual fuck, Taylor?" He was standing there, fists clenched at his bare sides. "What is your problem?"

"You were being stupid and unsafe, Zac," Taylor replied matter-of-factly, which only angered Zac more. "You shouldn't just hook up with strange men you don't know. I've seen you do some stupid things in your lifetime Zac, but this one takes the cake."

Zac was biting the inside of his lip hard enough that he tasted the familiar copper taste of blood. It'd been a long time since he lost his temper, and God knows he was trying to keep it in check, but Taylor was testing him. "Well you know what, Tay? That's for me to worry about. You don't own me," he said. "I am so SICK and TIRED of you coming into my life and dictating what I should do with it. You convince me to marry Kate even though I never loved her, then you get pissed at me for finding a boyfriend, and then-"

"Jesus Zac, ENOUGH," Taylor interrupted him, shaking his head. "I get it. I've done some pretty fucked up things to you, and I'm sorry. How much more apologizing do I have to do for it?" He stepped closer to Zac till their chests were touching, eyes beaming down at him. "Tell me, what can I do to make it up to you?"

"You can start by leaving me alone," Zac demanded, his hands pushing at Taylor's chest with enough force to make him stumble back on his feet. "Just _let me be_ , Taylor. Go back to your room."

Taylor grabbed Zac's wrists before he could push him away again and moved him backwards till he was pinned against the wall next to the bed. "I can't do either of those things," he said a little more quietly, while maintaining a strong hold on Zac's wrists. When Zac went to push him again he pinned his hands to the wall next to his head.

"I'm lonely, Tay," he said softly, giving up the fight against his brother. "No matter how great things are at home, it's not enough for me. I miss being wanted by a man. I miss being touched. Kissed." He didn't think Taylor could relate to what he was feeling, after all he always seemed to be happy with his perfect little family. He never seemed to ache the way that Zac did.

Taylor's eyes met Zac's. "And that guy was going to satisfy you?"

"Maybe," Zac shrugged. It was suddenly difficult to be mad at Taylor when he looked so much like a lost puppy with his tail between his legs. It was clear that he was doing this for Zac out of brotherly love, not jealousy. "I appreciate your concern, Tay, but I'm a grown man. I can make my own choices and I can take care of myself. I don't need you to be my protector."

Taylor dropped Zac's hands to his sides but made no effort to back away. "I know that," he whispered. "Some habits are hard to break, I guess." His eyes traveled down to Zac's bare chest and the blue boxers that were hanging on his hips. He grasped Zac's hips and leaned down to press their foreheads together. "I want to be the one to make you feel good again," his whispered, thumbs gently stroking Zac's hipbones.

Zac was hesitant but the magnetism between them prevented him from stepping away. He couldn't fight it, and why would he want to? This is what he'd always wanted, even when he tried to convince himself otherwise. He tipped his head forward and kissed Taylor gently, silently giving him permission to do whatever he wanted. When Taylor dropped to his knees and pressed his lips to his navel, his heart felt like it would beat right out of his chest. It was a loving gesture that only his older brother could get away with. And so the cycle began again, with Zac falling victim to his brother's rosy cheeks and ocean blue eyes.

Strands of Taylor's soft brown hair slipped through Zac's fingers before his hands landed on his shoulders. Taylor was peppering kisses on Zac's stomach and hips, his fingertips hooking under the waistband of his boxers. Nervous butterflies were fluttering around in Zac's stomach, overshadowing just how turned on his was at the gentleness of Taylor's touch. 

Taylor brought Zac's boxers down his hips, kissing anywhere his lips could reach, and Zac eagerly stepped out of the clothing, kicking it to the floor. His hands gripped at Taylor's shirt and pushed it over his shoulders, throwing it somewhere across the room. He felt liberated standing there naked in front of Taylor, who's hands were caressing every inch of exposed skin.

Zac pulled Taylor to his feet so that he could press their lips together, hands urgently unfastening his jeans. Taylor's body was warm and soft against his, and it felt like home. With a strength that Zac didn't know Taylor possessed, he lifted him off the ground and into his arms, trailing them back towards the bed. They hit the mattress with a _thud_ and Zac couldn't help but giggle.

It was easy to switch places with Taylor, rolling him onto his back as his lips made a trail down his chest and abdomen, pausing to nuzzle the patch of brown hair at his navel. In one full motion, he dipped his head and took Taylor's entire length into his mouth, letting his tongue coat his dick with a thick layer of saliva. The sounds coming from Taylor's mouth were nothing short of music to his ears. His eyes rose to meet Taylor's, who was leaning back on his elbows, mouth ajar as soft breaths left it. He tasted sweet and he sounded heavenly. He was beautiful.

Zac rose to his feet and climbed on top of Taylor, straddling his thighs as he planted another deep his to his lips. His head tipped back, letting out a shameless guttural moan as he sank down onto Taylor's hard dick. The pain only existed for a brief moment until Taylor bottomed out and Zac began to rock his hips. While he knew it wasn't possible, he wanted to draw this out forever; he wanted to feel _this good_ forever.

Taylor quickly returned the moan and grabbed Zac's ass cheeks, helping guide himself in and out of his body. Any sense of gentleness was replaced with their desire for each other, their need to be connected as one perfect puzzle piece. Taylor was holding onto Zac tightly as he flipped him over, pinning him against the edge of the mattress. Zac's legs wrapped tightly around Taylor's waist, anchoring them together as his hips drilled into his own. The room felt unbearably hot and steamy, droplets of sweat coating their bodies and dripping from the tips of their hair. Remembering just how Zac liked it, Taylor angled his hips, moving them in a circular motion, generating a loud cry from Zac as he came between their bodies.

Taylor came just a moment later as if he'd been holding out for Zac first. He collapsed, exhausted and spent on top of his baby brother, hips still rocking slowly into him as he rode out the final waves of orgasm. Zac moaned softly, every single nerve ending in his body as sensitive as ever.

They were quiet for a while waiting for each other to speak, Taylor's head on Zac's chest and Zac's arms wrapped around him. Zac was the first to break. "Thank you."

Taylor peered up at Zac, smiling through pearly whites. "Anything to make you happy, brother."

***

They awoke naked and wrapped in each other's arms, Zac's head nestled perfectly under Taylor's chin like that spot was made just for him. He pressed a kiss to the stubble along his brother's jawline, enjoying the ruggedness against his lips. Had last night meant something to Taylor? Zac was dying to know, but was afraid to ask.

Taylor smiled groggily and tangled his left hand in the back of Zac's knotted hair. "I miss this," he conceded. 

"Me too..." It was hard to believe that it had been almost four years since they had shared a bed together. "We had valid reasons for breaking up, right?" Zac was trying to make sense of everything; of why they let something so amazing like this slip through their fingers.

"We did. But not without regret," Taylor whispered. "I'm so sorry, Zac. For hurting you and for always inserting myself into your life when you really didn't need me there. I'm sorry I didn't have the courage to..." His voice trailed off.

Zac propped himself up on his right elbow in order to look at Taylor. "I always need you. Without question," he said. His eyes drifted shut as Taylor brushed his hair out of his face and behind his ears.

"I love you."

Zac's eyes opened again and he smiled. "I love you too, Taylor."


	19. 2015

The tires of Zac's blue pickup truck crunched loudly against the gravel as he pulled into his parent's driveway. He had thought it was strange that Isaac texted him - at eight o'clock in the evening, no less - to _hurry up and come to Mom's._ Those kinds of messages, especially without context, were the worst to receive and he couldn't stop his mind from thinking about every possible scenario (all bad, of course). However, his parent's cars were nowhere to be found and in the driveway were only Isaac and Taylor's vehicles. Why would they both be there, of all places?

Zac's boots hit the ground as he exited his truck and jogged up the porch steps towards the entrance of the house. He had his own key - they all did- and he was prepared to let himself in until he saw a yellow Post-It note on the door that read: **Use the back gate.** His forehead wrinkled in confusion but he followed orders, rounding the side of the house to use the metal gate for the backyard.

He could see the eldest brother in the distance, walking towards him from the opposite side of the yard. Taylor was nowhere to be found. "Ike - what's going on?" Zac called out to him, the grin on Isaac's face making him feel slight perturbed. "Why am I here? Where's Mom and Dad?"

Isaac smiled and as he approached Zac, he placed both of his hands on his shoulders and squeezed. "They're in Oklahoma City this weekend visiting the Andersons."

Zac blinked, utterly confused. "Okay. So then why did you ask me to come here? Is this some type of band hazing? Aren't we all a little too old for that?" he squinted his eyes and scrutinized Isaac, who was still grinning like a fool, his eyes barely open because his cheeks were so damn high. "Where's Taylor?"

Isaac was still grinning as he nodded his head in the direction of the tree house. His arms slipped around Zac in an uncharacteristically tight hug, catching him completely off guard. "Goodnight, little brother. I'll see you tomorrow at the studio. Nine am, sharp."

"O-okay. Bye...?" Still in a state of confusion, Zac watched his brother walk away before returning his gaze to the big tree house. He wondered why Taylor and Isaac had both been in there without him. Something wasn't adding up.

As he made his way across the lawn to the other side of the yard, the cool breeze blew a little stronger and rustled a few leaves loose from the large Oak tree. Zac shivered and in an effort to warm up, he zipped his leather jacket up mid way. When he reached the tree house he took the steps two at a time, anxious to see what surprise - or prank - Taylor had up his sleeve this time. He ducked his head as he descended from the last step and entered the room.

His eyes fell to Taylor, who was sitting in front of one of his smaller, older wireless keyboards. Zac thought to himself that it had been _years_ since he'd see that old thing, and he wondered why Taylor suddenly decided to pull that one out of the closet.

Zac felt like his heart stopped beating when he scoped out the rest of the scenery around him, admiring how different their old playhouse looked. The room was alight with LED candles of every shape and size scattered around, and in front of Taylor was a pile of pillows and quilts in the middle of the floor, with a picnic basket and a bottle of wine in the center. Taylor was looking nothing short of God-like in his black dress pants, black boots, and a baby blue button down shirt - the top three buttons undone to expose a light patch of dusty brown chest hair.

Zac's mouth felt dry as he tried to comprehend what he was looking at. He didn't want to assume incorrectly and make a complete ass out of himself, so he waited as patiently as his mind would allow. "Tay... what's going on? What is this?" He looked at Taylor and noticed that he was visibly nervous; his cheeks were flushed and his knee was bobbing up and down on it's own accord, all of this making Zac equally, or maybe even more, nervous.

"I wrote a song that I'd like to play for you," he finally spoke up and then stood from behind his keyboard, taking Zac by the hand. "You gotta wait until I'm completely done with it before you say something though, okay?"

"Okay," Zac chuckled nervously and took a seat in the chair across from where Taylor's keyboard was set up. He watched as Taylor returned to his safe place behind the instrument and plucked a few keys to make sure that it was working before he began. Zac listened quietly, as promised, but his heart was beating so rapidly he could feel it in his eardrums. It was so common for them to share songs they'd written with each other, but Zac could tell this time was different.

_Life is so simple_  
_A little boy, a little girl_  
_Laughing and loving_  
_Tryin' to figure out the world_  
_It felt like summer_  
_When I kissed you in the rain_  
_And I know your story_  
_But tell me again_  
_Nothing you say wouldn't interest me_  
_All of your words are like poems to me_  
_I would be honored if you would take me as I am_

_I want you_  
_To look right in my eyes_  
_To tell me you love me_  
_To be by my side_  
_I want you_  
_At the end of my life_  
_I wanna see your face when I fall with grace_  
_At the moment I die_  
_Is that alright?_

_I hope you're still with me_  
_When I'm not quite myself_  
_And I pray that you'll lift me_  
_When you know I need help_  
_It's a warm celebration_  
_Of all of our years_  
_I dream of our story_  
_Of our fairy-tale_  
_Family dinners and family trees_  
_Teachin' the kids to say, "Thank you " and "Please"_  
_Knowin' if we stay together that things will be right_

_I want you_  
_To look right in my eyes_  
_To tell me you love me_  
_To be by my side_  
_I want you_  
_At the end of my life_  
_I wanna see your face when I fall with grace_  
_At the moment I die_  
_Is that alright?_

By the time Taylor had finished singing he was sobbing and Zac was sniffling away his own tears. Taylor was such a beautiful crier, and if it had been a different occasion Zac would have pulled out his easel and water colors so that he could capture just how picturesque Taylor looked with watery blue eyes and red cherub cheeks. 

Before Zac could utter a word Taylor was on his knee in front of him, taking both of his hands in his own. Zac felt Taylor's hands shaking in his and it made him frown; he hated when Taylor was anything but happy. "I love you, Zac, and I want to make this real between us," he whispered through his tears which continued to cascade one by one down his cheeks. Zac wriggled his left hand from Taylor's grip and tried his best to wipe the tears away, but they kept coming. "I've spent too long being stupid and selfish. I meant every word of that song. I want you forever, till the day I die." He brushed his left hand through his hair and Zac noticed that he wasn't wearing his wedding band.

"Taylor, I..." Zac's nerves were reaching their peak but he quickly gulped them down. He reached for Taylor's left hand and ran his thumb over the faded line where his wedding ring used to sit. "You're not wearing your ring," he pointed out, needing the clarity because suddenly he felt like he was in a really wonderful dream.

Taylor nodded and turned his hand up to lace their fingers together. "I told Natalie that I want a divorce. I told her that I love someone else. That I've always loved someone else," he paused to look down at their joined hands admiring how perfectly they fit together. "I want to be with you, Zac. For real, out in the world. If you'll have me."

This was almost too much for Zac to take; he surely hadn't expected all of this when he came over, but suddenly he felt light, like all of the blood in his body was replaced with butterflies. Even though he had wished for it for the better part of two decades, he hadn't expected in any universe for this to ever happen. His mind began to wander and then he felt nervous again as he recalled the last time they broke up, where Taylor's doubts stemmed from Isaac's participation in the band to the idea of their kids being taken away once their secret was out. "But. What about our kids?" 

Taylor's tears finally subsided, and he shrugged. "What if we wait to tell them? We'll wait until the last one turns eighteen, and that way they can make their own decision about us. And then no one can unwillingly take them away." 

Zac was chewing on the inside of his bottom lip, trying to calculate the timeline of Taylor's plan. "That's... sixteen years from now. Sixteen years is a long time to keep a secret of this magnitude, Tay. What if they find out somehow?"

"We've already been keeping this secret for ten years and I think we've done pretty well," he retorted, his smile, always comforting to Zac, was unfading. "Look, I don't have all of the answers. But what I do know is that I love you, and I'm not letting you go this time. When our children are old enough we'll share our story with them, and God willing, they won't love us any less."

Zac squeezed Taylor's hands, hoping some of his positivity would absorb into his own skin. His eyes traveled around their childhood tree house, and a memory of them resurfaced when they were barely teenagers, yet old enough for Zac to remember his feelings. They used to hide from Isaac and read their comic books in here, Zac's head always in Taylor's lap and Taylor's hands always combing Zac's hair. The feeling of comfort and safety from that memory enveloped Zac like a warm blanket, and any doubt that he had melted away. When he looked back at Taylor again, his brown eyes connecting with a set of blue, the same feeling washed over him. Taylor made him feel safe. Taylor was his home.

He thought again about Taylor's plan, trying to piece every part together to see if it was even plausible. It was apparent that Isaac had given his blessing tonight, which helped alleviate a lot of Zac's doubts. But could they keep their relationship a secret for the next sixteen years? The unknown of the future scared Zac more than he would admit, but the thought of living without Taylor was even more terrifying - it was unthinkable. 

"I think... I think we can do this. Actually, I KNOW we can do this." Excitement overcame him and he tackled Taylor to the floor, pinning him against the pillows in a tight embrace. They laughed and rolled around, much as they did as children, until Zac settled on top of Taylor once again. Finally, their lips connected in a kiss full of all the love they had inside them.

Zac was in no way under the illusion that the next sixteen years would be easy, but he felt comfort in knowing that he had his brothers unconditional support and love. And finally, for the first time in his thirty years, Zac felt whole.

***

Every step that Zac took felt strong and deliberate as he walked up the driveway to his house. It was the ultimate sign of commitment when Taylor had ended things with Natalie, and now it was his turn to make the same gesture. While he wasn't looking forward to breaking Kate's heart, he knew she would be better for it in the end.

He had waited a few months after Taylor and Natalie's divorce was final as to not rouse suspicion with Kate, but also to give himself time to mentally prepare to come out of the closet. Taylor had moved out the house he shared with Natalie and found an apartment of his own, and soon Zac could be there with him permanently. It was shameful to think of how excited he was given the circumstances that would bring him there.

Kate was in the living room, nursing a glass of red wine in front of the television when Zac arrived home. "Hi honey," she greeted him from her position on the couch, not making an effort to stand to kiss or hug him. Her lack of physical affection toward him had not been uncommon lately, nor had she seemed bothered by it. Whatever the reason was for her distance, Zac didn't care. It would only make this easier for both of them.

Zac slipped off his leather jacket and hung it up before making his way over to the couch, sitting a capacious distance away from her. "Kids asleep?"

"Mhm. Finally got Abe down about a half hour ago. He was extremely fussy tonight."

Zac frowned deeply, hard enough to where he thought his face might get stuck that way. Despite their unhappy marriage and the fact that it should have never happened in the first place, it did bring him three beautiful children. Maybe this would be harder than he thought it would be.

"I'll be right back."

He padded his way down the hall into each child's room. Before he talked to Kate, he needed to see his children. A part of him was hesitant, afraid that he'd see them even less than he does now after the divorce. He placed a gentle kiss on their foreheads and stroked their hair gently, absorbing every bit of the moment before this was all over. He found his way back to the couch and sat down once more, his hands anxiously drumming on his knees. Finally he decided just to spit it out, and rip off the proverbial band aid, so to speak. "There's something I've got to talk to you about, Kate."

Her reaction was more or less apathetic as she turned off the television to give him her full attention. "Of course. What is it, Zac?"

His nerves were percolating inside him and for a moment he thought he was going to puke, but he inhaled a deep breath and took the plunge. "Kate, I'm gay."

_There. It's out. I'm out._

"I'm sorry, what?" Kate laughed, and Zac couldn't fault her. It was pretty funny, if the sort of thing that made you laugh was playing with matches. 

"I'm gay. I didn't have the courage to tell you for so long, and I'm sorry. I'm a fucking coward."

Kate's body language was unmistakably rigid. "For how long, Zachary?"

Zac frowned. "For as long as I can remember."

He couldn't begin to imagine what Kate was feeling. How would he have felt if the tables were reversed? What he could say, though, was that he definitely would not be handling it as well as Kate was at that moment. Her eyes were wide but other than that she was expressionless. They sat there for at least a minute just staring at each other, Kate sitting completely still while Zac fidgeted restlessly beside her.

"I can't believe this," Kate finally whispered. Zac could tell that she was holding back tears. "I knew we were having problems, but never in my wildest dreams did I think..." She glanced down, averting Zac's eyes this time. "Did you ever love me?"

Zac's heart fell to his stomach. Did it make sense to continue to lie, or finally tell Kate the truth? He decided on the latter. "I love you for sharing your life with me. For your unconditional support in everything I've ever done. For giving me three beautiful children," he responded. "But I've never been _in love_ with you."

When Kate reached for her wine glass Zac winced and squeezed his eyes shut, preparing to be doused with the red liquid. He wouldn't blame her for doing that and more; he deserved it. But when she brought her lips to the glass and polished it off, Zac realized that he wasn't giving Kate enough credit. She was a better person than him. Kate frowned around the brim of her cup and did not say a word, even though Zac could tell that her mind was racing through lines and lines of hostility-drenched rhetoric.

Zac slid closer and placed his hand carefully over Kate's stiff hand. "I'm gonna stay with Taylor till we figure out an arrangement with the kids," he said, waiting for a response from her that clearly was not coming. "Kate... I'm so sorry. I never meant to drag you into this mess." Truthfully, he wasn't worthy of the silent treatment that she was giving him. He deserved a swift kick in the balls, if not at least a punch in the face, but Kate wasn't the type. She was going to suffer in silence. "I'll be back tomorrow to gather up some of my stuff."

He waited for her to respond but all he got was a small nod of recognition. Before he exited the house, he left his wedding ring on the coffee table next to a framed picture from their wedding day, feeling optimistic, liberated, and _free_.

***

Zac had given himself the duration of the drive from his house to Taylor's apartment to sulk. While the divorce had been a long time coming, that didn't stop him from feeling a sense of loss. His secret was out, and it was sure to spread through the family like wildfire. In fact, Zac would have bet good money on that Kate was already on the phone with Natalie, telling her everything.

Naturally, Zac had a key to Taylor's apartment so he let himself in. Taylor hadn't known of Zac's plans to do this tonight and Zac was looking forward to surprising him. Taylor was always patient with him, never once questioning when it was going to happen or pressuring him into doing it. "Tay?"

His brother appeared from the hallway, all smiles at the sight of Zac. His hair was disheveled and he was wearing a pair of sweatpants and a tee shirt that was a size too large and unmistakably belonged to Zac. "Hi, baby. Didn't know you were coming over tonight."

Zac nodded nonchalantly and slipped his leather jacket off, tossing it over the back of the love seat. "Mhm. Was thinking I could stay."

"Of course you can." Taylor was still smiling as he walked over to him. He was adorable and completely oblivious to what Zac was hinting at.

"What if I stayed forever?" Zac hands were in his pockets and he rocked back and forth on his heels, completely cool, calm, and collected. 

It took Taylor a moment to grasp what Zac was saying. Zac noticed it _click_ in his mind and watched as he jumped excitedly. "Did you... you _did it?!_ "

Zac nodded eagerly and flashed Taylor his necklace sans wedding ring. "I did. Tonight. I told her, Tay. I told her I'm gay." He chewed the inside of his bottom lip to try to mask the smile that was forcing it's way across his mouth. He shouldn't have been so happy to see the giddy expression on Taylor's face, and he certainly shouldn't have been so happy to be getting divorced.

"I'm so proud of you!" Taylor exclaimed and closed the gap between them, flinging his arms around Zac, squeezing him tightly. "How do you feel?"

It took Zac a few moments to think of the right word, and the only one that seemed fitting was 'free'.

Taylor sniffed away a few tears that were puddling in his eyes. "I can't believe I'm tearing up," he said, chuckling. "I'm just happy for you, you know? Happy that you're happy and happy that you're finally mine."

Those words caused a physical reaction in Zac and he needed nothing else in that moment but to be close to Taylor. He hugged him tightly and buried his face in his hair, breathing him in. He thought about everything they'd been through the past twenty years - all of the hurt and pain they caused each other was just part of their history now. Now, they had a future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Taylor sings in this chapter is [Is That Alright?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vR32XI3Sr4) by Lady Gaga.


	20. 2032

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, we come to the end. I truly appreciate everyone who has read, commented, and/or left Kudos on this fic. I wrote this story in December 2018 after a 10 year hiatus from writing, so needless to say your kind words have meant so much to me. I hope you enjoy the final chapter!

The day was perfect by all definitions.

Spring flowers were in bloom - dandelions and lilacs and lilies were lined up all in a row like a botanical rainbow; and the sun, bright and shining in a cloudless sky, was breaking through the trees as if God were looking down from Heaven and smiling upon them. Neighboring birds sang happily as they flew from branch to branch in a large oak tree, crooning in unison like they too had a reason to celebrate.

On the outskirts of Tulsa and down a long, peaceful road was a modest two-story house, ivory with blue shutters, settled on top of a two-acre land plot. The wrap-around porch was adorned with a rocking mahogany porch swing and crystal wind chimes, the place that served as a haven where they spent most of their nights stargazing. It was easy to enjoy quiet nights when the nearest glimpse of civilization was miles down the road. There were no sounds of cars or children, only the natural music of the wind blowing and the crickets chirping. In the spacious back yard were dozens of full, lively oak trees, the largest of all home to the most glorious tree house that any kid (or adult) could ever dream of.

This is the home they built for themselves decades ago. This is the home where love lived, and where laughter resounded through the air like a sacred hymn. 

Zac adjusted his silk periwinkle blue tie with shaky hands as he glanced at himself in the mirror. Middle age had been good to him; only a few distinguished gray hairs were found in his otherwise full head of brown, shoulder length hair. With a deep breath and a brief pep talk, he headed into the backyard where everyone was waiting for him.

Isaac stood beneath the largest oak tree, shifting from one foot to the other, looking almost as anxious as Zac felt. Zac took a few steps forward and stood to Isaac's right, both of them exchanging a knowing smile before he turned to inspect the crowd of people in front of him. All eight of their children occupied the first row of white resin chairs, followed by Isaac's three children and the entirety of their daughter and son in laws. Ezra's son - their first grandchild - was seated on his lap and Ezra, having noticed Zac's nerves, offered him a reassuring smile as if to say _it's going to be okay._

Taylor caught Zac's attention immediately as he appeared at the top of the aisle. His light gray suit and periwinkle tie mirrored Zac's, but his hair was much shorter and parted to the side, wisps of light brown hair framing his eyes and covering the wrinkles that had formed there over time. The sight of him took Zac's breath away, just like it always had.

When Taylor approached Isaac's left side Zac reached for his hand, the need to hold him stronger than anything else he was feeling. He caressed Taylor's knuckles with the pad of his thumb, trying to non-verbally convey to him just how much he loved him. A natural blush covered Taylor's sun kissed cheeks and Zac couldn't help but smile. So much time had passed but some things never changed. After all these years, Taylor was still the most beautiful thing he'd ever laid eyes on.

"Thank you to everyone for being here today. I know I speak for Taylor and Zac when I say that your unconditional support is immeasurable to them," Isaac announced to the crowd, which was mostly silent other than the sound of a few people sniffling. Zac wouldn't dare turn to see who it was for the fear that he too would start crying. "Zac, would you like to start us off?"

With bated breath, Zac turned to face Taylor and took his other hand, giving both a loving squeeze. He cleared his throat and inhaled a deep breath, trying to steady his nerves and adhere to the promise that he'd hold it together at least until the end of the ceremony.  _If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough,_ he said to himself, repeating the mantra twice before finding his voice.

"Taylor," he couldn't help by smile when he said his brother's name, even if his voice was wobbling under the weight of his emotions. "For as long as you have been my brother, I have loved you. I would go to the ends of the Earth to make you happy and I swear to you that I will never, ever take you for granted." A single tear fell from the corner of Taylor's eye and Zac promptly swiped it away with his thumb. Taylor smiled and turned his head quickly to plant a kiss on the inside of Zac's wrist, releasing a new batch of butterflies inside him. "I promise to love and honor you all the days of my life." He kissed Taylor's ring finger before slipping the silver wedding band over it, noticing that he was no longer shaking. No, he wasn't nervous anymore. He had no reason to be nervous ever again _._

"Zac, I..." It was evident that Taylor was still feeling choked up, so Zac, true to form, crossed his eyes and stuck out his tongue, knowing that a little humor would be the perfect thing to lighten the mood. When he heard Taylor laugh he couldn't help but feel vindicated. "These past sixteen years together have been a dream. I love the life that we built for ourselves here and I thank my lucky stars every day that you never gave up on us. You make me a better man, Zac Hanson." He slipped the matching ring over Zac's knuckle. "And I promise to love and honor you all the days of my life."

Isaac, not subtle in the least, wiped a tear off his own cheek before he announced with a trembling voice, "You may now kiss!"

Before Zac could make a move, Taylor stepped forward and cupped Zac's face, uniting their lips in a kiss that was both tender yet full of passion. As they kissed their guests cheered, and Zac couldn't help but think that the sound was more wonderful than any crowd they had ever played for. The journey to get to this point wasn't easy, and Zac knew that the world would continue to test them. But as long as they had each other, he was certain that they would overcome any challenges sent their way. They were unbreakable.

"We did it," Zac whispered as he slung his arms around Taylor's shoulders, their bodies flush against one another. He kissed Taylor again and again till he felt Taylor's arms loop around his waist, weaving them into one person.

"Yes we did. This is exactly what we always dreamed about, baby," he replied, head nodding towards the rows of their children, all of whom had showed up to support them. Getting the kids to understand their love had been the single hardest thing they'd ever done, but time was all that they needed to come around. That was the funny thing about unconditional love; it wasn't always logical, but it was always unfailing in the most extraordinary of circumstances. "I'll love you always and forever, Zac Hanson."

Zac's heart was so full of love and gratitude that it felt like he would float away if Taylor were to let go of him. "I love you too, Taylor Hanson," he declared proudly as he pressed another kiss to his brother's lips. "For forever."

**THE END**


End file.
